Abstinence is like communism: It sounds great in theory, but when you try to put it into practice, the weak-willed nature of humanity ruins everything. Lust is a powerful force and telling kids to “just say no” to sex is about as effective as telling obese people to “just eat healthy and exercise.” If we really want our children to abstain from sex, we need to supply them with the tools and techniques they need to succeed. Merely promoting fear of STDs and pregnancy just isn’t working.

You might be wondering, “Why is F*Bomb promoting abstinence? Aren’t you guys a sex blog?” Well, yes we are a sex blog, but there are still a million reasons to promote effective abstinence. Here’s five.

1.) Teenagers with babies are more annoying than a Segway tour. People should wait until they’re old enough to pose nude while pregnant before they start having kids.

2.) F*Bomb hates bad sex and teenagers are notoriously awful in bed. Poor habits die hard so kids should wait until they get to college to get their V-card stamped. That way an older, more experienced senior can show them the ropes and save them from years of sexual incompetence.

3.) Good things come to those that wait.

4.) Sex is like every other commodity in the world: It’s value depends on the laws of supply and demand. If more kids stop giving it up, those of us who are already sexually active become more valuable.

5.) Abstinence is sexy.

That last reason sounds contradictory but bear with us. The Western world is rapidly approaching its sexual peak. Sometime in the next decade, we will effectively run out of new taboos. Unless the porn industry finds a way to turn women inside out (don’t worry, they’re trying), we’re going to run out of orifices and sexual options.

That’s why abstinence is about to come back in. Virgin is the new slut; sexual frustration the new sexual liberation. Still, abstinence is easier said than (not) done so F*Bomb recommends the following strategies for keeping your hearts pure and your legs crossed.

Chastity Belts

Not just for ladies-in-waiting, chastity belts make abstinence more effective by taking the choice right out of those idle hands. After all, it’s hell of a lot easier to resist temptation when sweet release requires a trip to the hardware store. A wonderland of straps, leather, locks, and levers, a chastity belt is certainly the sexiest way to abstain. All those bulky bulges will probably lead curious suitors to ask, “Is that a toolkit in your pocket or are you just celibate?” And fortunately for the fellows out there, male chastity belts are also available, uniquely ribbed for nobody’s pleasure.

Chemical Castration

Less permanent than its spay-and-neuter non-chemical cousin, chemical castration is the misleading name given to administering drugs for the purpose of decreasing sexual interest and arousal. For men, testosterone suppressants like cyproterone or the birth control Depo-Provera are two of the most commonly used, though the shortage of testosterone can result in a gynecomastia aka man-boobs. Since scientists don’t believe in a so-called “female sex drive,” they haven’t spent to much thought trying to reduce it. However, many anti-depressants list a loss of libido as a side effect, so popping a couple Prozacs each morning might be an effective way to remove those wanton lady lusts.

Disfiguration

Boy George famously said, “I want you to want me.” Well, if you don’t want anyone to want you, fucking up your face is a great way to do it. People are shallow and if you are super serious about not wanting to have sex ever again, demolishing your facial features will most likely help you accomplish that goal. The downside of this method is reversing it is fairly expensive, if not impossible. The upside is that you can make a nice little living lecturing to school children about how you supposedly got deformed. “See this face kids? This is why passing standardized tests is important.”

Side note: Doing a Google Image Search on “disfigured” is a great way to ruin your day.

Anti-Sex Shock Collar

In a few years, anti-sex shock collars should start hitting shelves. At first, you’ll have to order them online and they’ll be crazy expensive, but within a few years concerned parents will be able to pick them up at CVS and Walgreens, right next to the drug test kits. Basically, anti-sex shock collars use the same technology as the alcohol detecting ankle monitor Lindsay Lohan had to wear. However, instead of detecting trace booze particles, the collar sniffs out the specific pheromones that get released whenever human beings get randy. When those pheromones are detected, the collar discourages that sort of behavior with a healthy jolt to the jugular. Zzzzzzzap!

Neutered

Since there will always be those people who need to one up everyone else, neuters are inevitable. Once ascetic abstinence starts getting popular, this crowd will next level it and be so above temptation that they don’t even have genitals anymore. There are plenty of ways to remove one’s junk, ranging from the always popular female circumcision to old fashioned “cut ‘em off” castration. Going all the way in this regard is a pretty extreme decision and shouldn’t be undertaken lightly. Having old vegan and straight edge tattoos is embarrassing; admitting you cut off your dick because you thought it was cool is something else entirely.

By the way, putting a video on Youtube of you rapping about abstinence is also a great way to guarantee you never get laid.