Unlike cougars (who are just middle aged women suffering from the delusion that they “still got it”) and cat ladies (who are elderly women suffering from delusions who don’t got anything expect an apartment that smells like cat shit and death) cheetah ladies are fucking awesome. The perfect mix of feminine and feline, cheetah ladies prowl the night, hunting for sex while running upwards of 70 mph. Whether they’re trying to kill Wonder Woman, or just find a reasonably priced condominium, cheetah ladies are sexy spotted beasts that we want to ride, both sexually and for transportation purposes.
Being a fur-fetishist in this era puts you in a bit of pickle. Perverts have basically exhausted everything sexual worth doing to real 100% humans, yet full on animal contact is not only totally taboo, it’s downright dangerous when it involves the larger jungle cats. And stupid technology is still years away from helping us realize our steamy man-on-manimal fantasies. So unless you’re a fourteen year old on 4chan with a boner for mascots trying to hop on the furry bandwagon, the only option left is to get with the one true maneater: Cheetah ladies.
Cheetah ladies are awesome for a million reasons. They’re fast, passionate, loyal, and above all, sexy. Still, they’re rather elusive so unless you’ve got both a herd of gazelles and a Prada store nearby, you probably won’t be seeing one anytime soon. Luckily, the Internet understands that women are sexier when they have fangs and fur and so F*Bomb was able to obtain the following hard, factual pieces of evidence that clearly, and irrefutably, document the sexy existence of cheetah ladies.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C:
Exhibit D:
Exhibit E:
Exhibit F:
Exhibit G:
Exhibit H:
We rest our case. But before we make our closing statement; regular ladies, fear not, cheetah men exist as well.
And for our closing remarks? Take it away Babycakes!
I stumbled onto Final Flesh in the most appropriate manner imaginable. It was Valentine’s Day and a friend and I were at I Luv Video picking out some movies for our social group to enjoy together. While chatting with the my friend working the counter, I spotted a condom tacked to the bulletin board behind her. “Why is that condom there?” I asked.
“Oh, that came with the Wonder Showzen porno,” she replied.
W-w-what?!? Our minds blown by that sentence alone, we raced back to the Adult section to grab the copy of Final Flesh, nestled nonchalantly between Bareback Ass Jammers 2 and Cum Dump Divas. The DVD case featured little more than an atomic blast and some surreal ramblings, but offered no hint of what it contained. That was certainly for the best.
Final Flesh is probably best viewed with no understanding or expectations of what’s to come. Rent it, watch it, and then let your mind reel. If you’re down to have your mind not only blown, but deep throated hard with a finger stuck up its cerebellum, then take F*Bomb’s advice and don’t read any further.
However, if you need a bit more of a sell, here’s the deal. Vernon Chatman is the comedic wing nut responsible for the anti-children kid’s show Wonder Showzen. Over the course of the Oughts, he tried to convince porn production-for-hire companies he found on the Internet to shoot a script he had written. Part Kenneth Anger acid trip, part Jodorowsky’s Holy Mountain, and part bottom of the barrel San Fernando valley porno, Final Flesh is the end result of four separate companies interpreting what Chatman was after.
Supposedly, getting companies used to filming incest/furry/watersports/LOST fan fiction fantasies to journey down Chatman’s rabbit hole was harder than you might imagine. Many companies refused outright, others had to be convinced that this was really what turned Chatman on. He explained the nonsense away as part of a complex “dream” fetish.
As awesome as viewing it alone in your basement while huffing DMT soaked rags might be, watching the insanity unfurl in a room full of equally uncomfortable strangers is even better. If you’re lucky enough to live in America’s Sex Capital, Austin, TX, than you can get your eyeballs raped by Final Flesh’s budget Buñuel tomorrow night at the Alamo Ritz.
No seriously, that is one of the companies that made a segment of the film. Check out the list of fetishes they offer. I know it sounds self explanatory but I still really want to know exactly what “Little Man In Ass” means.
Many of the songs are about sexual deviancy, Would you consider yourself a Sexual Deviant?
Tonetta: Yes I am.
As terrible as the Internet can be, there are days when the digital sun comes out and it truly feels like God is smiling through your broadband connection. Take Tonetta for example, the answer to that question the record industry doesn’t want answered, “What would music be like without a professional recording industry?” And just like what anyone who ever enjoyed Daniel Johnston or folk music has imagined, the answer is, “Super weird, really great, with a sound quality that isn’t as pristine as Steely Dan but who really cares about sound quality anyways?”
More precious than any endangered animal, Tonetta is a product of the vast sea of individuality that is humanity, the kind of product that normally gets lost among the cackle and squawk of regulated media. A fit, fiftyish man living in Toronto, Tonetta has supposedly been recording his perverse, lo-fi James Taylor ballads for over two decades, along with accompanying music videos. Since getting on Youtube two years ago, Tonetta has been busy unloading his sexy surplus of video gems onto the net, evading unjust censorship and garnering quite the cult following.
F*Bomb doesn’t want to explain Tonetta, only to salute him for existing and the Internet for allowing his existence to be known. Below are some of our favorite Tonetta videos showing off his unusual picadillos, impressive wardrobe (or lack there of), and his bold, confrontational, confident, and deliciously unique brand of sexuality.
When I worked at a porn store in Portland one of my favorite pastimes, after dildo fights, was going through the “amateur porn” that wasn’t really amateur (more like girls who had only done a handful of videos at that point) to look for awkward facials. It wasn’t to get some sort of sexual thrill out of the humiliation or discomfort of these girls, but to laugh at how ridiculous a concept facials are. Yeah, they’re sort of hot but more than anything they’re weird and arbitrary.
The “amateur” girls in these videos were doing porn and they understood that, but they also hadn’t done enough porn to act genuinely enthused about some mildly unattractive stranger busting his nut all over their forehead. They try their best to fake it, but you could tell their heart just wasn’t in it. That being said, this is the best half-assed facial I’ve ever seen.
Alright, it’s the 21st fucking century and everyone is bored. Anal is so nineties and blowjobs don’t even raise an eyebrow. Perverts first started getting worried that mainstream society was going to lift the rock they were hiding under when Madonna released her S&M flavored coffee table book SEX. Decent, god-fearing sex maniacs feared that an S&M revolution was under way, but then Clinton stuck a cigar in an intern’s pussy and the country freaked out. The secret was safe for another decade.
Yeah sure, mainstream culture has flirted with the idea of kink and rappers talk a lot about whipped cream and handcuffs, but have you ever actually tried to incorporate those items into your love life? All you’ll end up with is sore wrists and a yeast infection. But now its 2010 and Cosmo wants you to stick a finger in your boyfriend’s butt so that means we’re only a couple years away from “top” and “bottom” being clickable categories on your OKCupid profile.
However, unless your dog shits diamond wrist cuffs, or you’re a pop diva trying to claw your way back into the public eye, you probably can’t afford top of the line sex-cessories. Good news: You don’t need them.
Tying someone up and giving them a good beating should be a pain in their ass, not yours. Below you’ll find the bare basics that you need to enter the world of bondage, discipline, and pony play. These items are cheap and you can find them without having to rub elbows with the gym teachers browsing porn at your local sex shop. Hardware stores are not only kinkier, they’re cheaper.
TIE ME UP
If you really want to buy $90 leather shackles, go right ahead, but the cheapest, easiest way to restrain someone is with rope. What kind of rope? You’ve got a lot of options but most of them don’t matter. Purists want you to use jute or hemp bondage rope, but that shit is expensive and requires maintenance and both being a purist and doing maintenance are dumb. Rockabilly dudes with a boner for Betty Page bangs probably want to use cotton clothes line, because that’s what the Holy Mother herself wore in her pin-ups, but that stuff tightens fast and cuts into the skin faster. If you like losing sensation in your outer extremities, go nuts, but F*Bomb would suggest something that doesn’t act like a tourniquet.
So then what should you use? Solid braid nylon rope. Solid means that it doesn’t have a little elastic “core” inside, it’s just rope all the way through. Nylon rope is easy to tie, easy to untie, and easy to clean and maintain (which means you can wash it once in a while if you feel like it). But best of all, nylon rope is dirt fucking cheap. Go to any hardware store and ask them for some solid braid nylon rope. It will be shiny likes the whites of God’s eyeballs, and you’ll want something around 3/8 or 1/4 inch thickness. Have the gruff dude in the orange vest with the mustache cut you off a couple lengths: 5ft is good for tying one limb to one thing, 20ft is good for some medium fancy maneuvers, and 30ft-50ft is necessary when you’re doing some next level stuff or tying up someone who is much, much larger than the average bear.
Now go buy some nylon rope, and by the time you’re back, we’ll have a post up that actually explains how to use it.
SPANK YOU VERY MUCH
Obviously the cheapest thing you can hit someone’s butt with is your hand. However, unless you’re reprimanding a four year old, that’s going to inflict just as much pain on your palm as it is their posterior. Honestly, you can spank someone with just about anything, but you need to know what type of pain you’re trying to create before you select your weapon of choice.
THE STING
For sharp stinging pain that really smarts, you want something hard, thin, and flexible. If you live in 1800s, you can just tell your partner to go cut a switch off the nearest willow tree. If you live in modern times, you can go to our old friend the hardware store and ask for a “venetian blind adjustment rod.” If they don’t know what you’re talking about, sigh loudly and say, “That little stick thing that you twist to make the blind slats open and close.” Those things work greater for hitting butts. Another good place to find objects you can reappropriate for deviant purposes is the pet store. Cat toys are basically long flexy rods with a fake butterfly at the end. Get rid of that butterfly and you’re ready to let her fly.
PADDLIN’ UP STREAM
The other main name in the pain game is the heavy thud. This one is so basic why are we even explaining it? You don’t need to risk life and limb stealing from a fraternity to get a decent paddle, though it definitely rules if you do. Just find something with a broad flat side and a handle. Ping pong paddles are lacking heft so you want something more like a hairbrush or a sweet spatula. No seriously, spatulas work wonders on naughty keisters and you can even let your slave lick it afterward. The other go-to gadget for delivering that hard, dull impact is every fathers’ favorite: the belt. Find a nice leather one at Goodwill, practice a couple of times in the aisle, and then take it home. You can fold it in half and buckle it to itself, then wrap the buckled end with duct tape to give yourself a nice holdable handle. Just remember to buy an extra one to keep your pants up.
EYES WIDE SHUT
A decent blindfold is the beginner bondage master’s best friend. The last thing you want your sub to see is you fumbling with rope or consulting a book. Sex shops sell fancy padded blindfolds and call them blindfolds. Target sells fancy padded blindfolds and calls them sleep masks. Alright, so they don’t come in leather at Target but who cares? The person wearing it isn’t going to be looking at it.
Before man even invented fire, woman were crafting sexy, skimpy outfits from of all sorts of animal skins. Before man found that big weird monolith thing that taught them how to bash each others’ brains in, women were riding dinos and looking good doing it. A lot has changed since our early ancestors first swung down from the trees and started swinging with each other: Dinosaurs are now called “petroleum,” leopard print tends to look a bit trashier, and when women go into caves these days, it doesn’t work out so well. It’s true that modern women have more “rights” than their cro-mag cousins enjoyed, but cavewomen had style, and doesn’t that count for anything?
Is skateboarding totally gay or will it get you laid by a lady? Let’s find out!
Skater Bois
Board Babes
In conclusion, despite the fact that there are a handful of ladies out there who can thrash hard, most girls look pretty clueless and useless holding a skateboard. Boys on the other hand, even when they’re obviously gay male models, look sweet holding skateboards and are the perfect set up for all sorts of knee pad jokes.
Skateboarding as a sport has been stupid ever since the X Games made it into an excuse to sell middle school boys expensive shoes and Mountain Dew. Skater dudes tend to only hang out with other skater dudes and they all think homoerotic shenanigans like rubbing your balls on your friend’s face while he’s sleeping are the height of hilarity. We think it’s high time skateboarding cut the cord on this bullshit sexual tension and embrace its gay-as-fuck 1980s roots because everyone knows that’s the last time skateboarding was even sort of cool.
And also, F*Bomb encourages its readers to always wear proper helmets and safety pads whenever they’re engaged in activities even remotely related to “skateboarding.”
Welcome to Web 2.0: a digital wonderland of human connection and peer to peer collaboration. Or at least that’s what rags like Wired want you to think. In reality, the Internet is just a place where lonely glue sniffers go to look up hentai rape porn and post their proudly photoshopped images of Paris Hilton getting double penetrated. For every kid hard at work on a David Bowie/Nas mash-up Youtube video, there are over a hundred convenience store clerks staying up till 7AM turning pregnancy photos stolen off Flickr into incestual lolcats. It’s a sick sad world out there and a lot of people seem to be spending their free time making it worse. So much worse.
All September long, F*Bomb will be wasting our own free time investigating and documenting the ways in which the unlimited potential of a globally connected cultural consciousness has been squandered on really dumb, weird shit.
Exhibit A:
You think you’re done? Nope. Only half way there.
Seriously? Seriously?!? Who stayed up till 3AM telling themselves over and over, “Alright, I’ll just make one more and then go to bed,” only to find another treasure trove of expecting mom jpegs so sweet they couldn’t help but crank out a dozen more? While other people were fact checking Buckminster Fuller’s Wikipedia page, you were hunched over your keyboard, typing with one hand and sullying the images of proud parents-to-be. Shame on you, Internet, shame on you. Couldn’t you at least waste your time doing something sort of cool, like making more boytaurs?
Some modern men have a problem with pubic hair. We think that’s dumb. Pubic hair, armpit hair, leg hair? They’re all wonderful expressions of pure, naturalistic beauty. The only feminine hair F*Bomb won’t truck with is head hair. Quite frankly, it’s disgusting. You gotta wash it and brush it, it gets dandruffy, and it’s, in all probability, covered in lice. Gross. Below you’ll find some lovely ladies that meet our heightened standard of hair care.
PS Click on that last picture to visit the Crash Pad Series, the realest, rawest lezzie porn on the net.
