1 + 1 = FUN

Posted on October 12, 2011 by Tero484.com

Pornography is notoriously bad at set design. Since the nineties, it has all but given up on setting atmosphere or creating mood. Instead, porn producers rely almost exclusively on empty McMansions that can be rented by the hour through out the San Fernando Valley, which coincidentally resemble the Better Homes and Gardens rejects rappers falsely claim as their own domiciles on MTV’s Cribs. We wonder if Juvenile has ever shown off a house that was filled with gang banging anal milfs the week before. Probably.

However, sometimes someone in the industry decides to get mildly creative and film their generic sex scene in a vaguely novel location, like a golf course or a classroom. The set designers rarely approach the gritty realism and social commentary of public education that you would find in, oh say, season four for The Wire, but they do like to spruce up the place a little bit by putting glasses on the actress, an apple on the desk, and scrawling some gibberish on the blackboard.

That blackboard gibberish recently inspired the appropriately named blog, Blackboards in Porn. The surprisingly safe for work site freeze frames blackboards hidden in the back of porn shoots, and analyzes whatever is written there. Pornographic math usually involves adding up the number of dicks that will fit in one human orifice (xDicks + yOrifices – $ of shoot/zCocaine), but BiP has found simple arithmetic, algebraic expressions, and even compound angle formulae (which earn bonus points for the correct pluralization of formula), as well as non-mathematical subjects like English and Russian Geography, written up at length just in back of the naughty school girls being punished.

So if the next time you’re watching porn, your eye spies a blackboard, help BiP out by sending them a SFW screen shot at blackboardsinporn AT googlemail.com. They also accept NSFW images that more clearly show what is written on the board.

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Doggie Door Oopsies–Burglary & Porn Edition

Posted on October 10, 2011 by Helen

The latest life-ruining result of a porn addiction.  F*Bomb readers/mostly writers, beware!!!

What else do people do in Minnesota?

Minnesota teen, Amanda Owens, burglarizes a home to feed her porn addiction.  Almost a perfect crime for her and these sometimes unsuccessful friends below:

p.s.  Generally, we at F*Bomb writes off i can haz cheezburger memes as the type of low-brow internet humor we wouldn’t associate with, but unfortunately, they have the maddest and only hook-up on horse stuck in doggie door photos.

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I’m Stuffed

Posted on October 6, 2011 by Tero484.com

via Cinema Sewer

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SMUT CITY presents: CALL OF THE BLONDE GODDESS w/ Lars Nilsen

Posted on October 6, 2011 by Tero484.com

Super exciting SMUT CITY news, folks! First, SMUT CITY is moving to Sundays. That’s right, no longer will you have to compromise your love of porn against all the exciting “sitting in bars” action Saturday night has to offer. Second, this month marks the first entry in our new SMUT CITY guest programmer series.

The selector of October’s film is Lars Nilsen, the man behind the Alamo Drafthouse’s Weird Wednesdays and one of the main inspirations for our rambling, entertaining, quasi-informational style of pre-film introductions. Lars felt that SMUT CITY’s audience could benefit from an introduction to the prolific output of euro-sleaze auteur Jesus Franco, and so we will be watching 1977′s CALL OF THE BLONDE GODDESS aka VOODOO PASSION. Here’s what Lars had to say about the film:

“We’re not exactly sure if audiences of 1977 were clamoring for a softcore porn remake of I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE but thanks to hyper-prolific genius-man Jess Franco they got the most stupefyingly awesome softcore porn remake of I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE imaginable. When newlywed Susan joins her husband Jack at his island home, all sorts of mysterious things begin to happen. Jack’s perpetually unclothed blonde sister immediately welcomes her into the family hot tub. Susan’s weird naked voodoo dreams start coming true and the ludicrously gorgeous black magic priestess welcomes her into the cult. Meanwhile, the man she married on a whim begins to seem vaguely sinister, in a sexy way. This movie is 1977 to the max, and packed with gorgeous locations, stoned funk grooves and ragingly beautiful starlets who couldn’t give a fuck about the depilatory arts. Don’t forget to take your glaucoma medicine before you watch this!”

Black magic, boobs, and perpetually unclothed blondes, exciting stuff to say the least. We here at SMUT CITY have enormous respect for Lars’ taste in exploitation cinema and are very excited for SMUT CITY’s first foray into softcore, though there very well might be more to come. You can RSVP for the event here or just show up with $5 and a six-pack. Both are encouraged. Also, for fans of film and those curious about the work of Jesus Franco, Lars’ shared some additional thoughts about the director, and CALL OF THE BLONDE GODDESS in particular, which you can check out below these details.

WHAT: SMUT CITY presents: CALL OF THE BLONDE GODDESS w/ Lars Nilsen

WHEN: October 16th, 10:30PM

WHERE: The New Movement, 1819 Rosewood Ave

PS: 18+ BYOB $5

Lars on CALL OF THE BLONDE GODDESS:

“As far as we can tell, no filmmaker in the sound era has ever written and directed more feature films than Jess Franco. In the ten years leading up to CALL OF THE BLONDE GODDESS, Franco made more than 70 full-length features. His career total is around 200, though we will likely never actually be able to complete a full tally since most of the films were made under pseudonyms (generally the names of Franco’s jazz heroes). It’s such a mind boggling achievement on its own that it threatens to obscure the fact that Franco’s life-work is some of the most interesting and valuable ever created, especially in the realm of sex films. No less an eminence than Orson Welles singled out Franco as an important talent. The great man, over the objections of his producers, insisted that Franco be hired as his assistant director on CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT after seeing one of Franco’s films in a back-alley Pigalle cinema.

CALL OF THE BLONDE GODDESS has never been singled out as a superior Franco film. In truth, it’s not much different than many of his other movies. The locations are familiar, the cast members had worked for him many times, even the plot (a remake of I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE) is a retread, though an inspired one. But as an entry-level Franco film it should serve its purpose – to immerse the viewer in the delirious, gorgeous, ridiculous world of Franco. To Franco’s credit, it is an exceptionally beautiful looking film. The Caribbean (via Portugal) settings are exceptionally photogenic and the actresses contribute much to the appeal of the movie, especially Vicky Adams, who plays the exotic blonde goddess of the title.

Before Jess Franco ever picked up a camera he made his living as a jazz musician and pulp novelist. His films are improvisations on pulp themes and like a good jazz musician he may play the same piece many times but he says new things in each new version depending on his mood, his sex life, the contents of his stomach and bank account. At times his scanarios seem more akin to dreams than conventional movie plots. In fact they were mostly created on set on the day of shooting. To complicate matters further, often while Franco was directing a film for a producer, he was surreptitiously making his own movie on the side with the same actors, crew and sets!

CALL OF THE BLONDE GODDESS is the work of a man with a highly individual vision. Some of you will like it, some will dislike it and hopefully a few of you will go all obsessive over it. Either way, it’s the appropriate response.”

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Cock of Love

Posted on October 3, 2011 by Tero484.com

The Internet is currently experiencing an artistic porn renaissance. There are millions of Tumblrs overflowing with tastefully done explicit sex, naked ladies, and, sadly, not nearly as many dicks. While you can find the occasional black and white cock shot or slow motion cum spray, for the most part, the Internet cares way more about looking at big boobs and naked ladies. Even Camille Crimson’s gorgeous video odes to dick sucking tend to focus more on the “sucking” than the “dicks.”

But fear not hetero-females, gay men, and cock worshipers of all creeds and colors, F*Bomb has searched high and low and finally discovered the ultimate cock shot archive, High Contrast Cock. But wait, don’t click that link quite yet, because once you do you will be browsing beautiful, detailed dick pics for the next few hours. Before we send you off exploring on your own, we’d like you take a minute to peruse some of our recent favorites and hear why we think Craig Lapras and his uncut wiener are the cutting edge of modern photography.

To be a great photographer, you need two things (well, three if you include a camera). You need technical skill and artistic vision. Craig Lapras has both of those in spades. Where as the cock shots covering Craigslist are blurry, iPhone-in-a-dark-room hack jobs, Lapras’ consistently captures his member in the most flattering lighting and impressive detail. But what really makes the blog stand out is his willingness to go beyond boring old boners, taking his dick to a new level with each new entry.

This back-lit bit of ball sack glows eerily like a translucent jack-o-latern, allowing the branching paths of the teste’s pneumatic delivery system to come to life. Now, contrast this exquisite example of detail with this minimalist masterpiece.

It’s almost like a Rorsharch pattern. Can you see the evil wizard in the hooded cloak wearing a bib?

And here we see a still from the alternate cut of the movie Poltergeist, where the ghost is a pedophile trying to impress Carol Anne.

Is this what they call a “ball gag?”

And here is a prime example of High Contrast Cock‘s best recurring feature, “Guess what’s in my foreskin?” Can you guess? Take a guess. Write it down before you scroll to the next photo.

If you wrote down, “mandarin orange,” you were correct! Go buy yourself a mandarin orange as a little treat, or go to Hccock.blogspot.com to play again. Lapras has fit all kinds of crazy stuff in his foreskin.

There really is no limit to the inventive photos Lapras comes up with at High Contrast Cock. We’ve only shown you the “tip” of the iceberg. As one last parting gift, below you’ll find some of favorite food related photos he’s done, but seriously, go to the blog. If all man-made art is just a representation of the artist’s fascination with his penis (and it is), then Lapras is truly cutting away the BS and getting to the heart of true art. Too bad female art never fixates on genitalia.

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F*Bomb in Print: Don’t Be a Creep

Posted on September 29, 2011 by Tero484.com

When it comes to dating advice, “don’t be creepy” is a pretty good place to start. Yet for many men and women, the social rules that come naturally to “normal” people are as confusing and frustrating as Calculus is to non-math majors. When the socially awkward try to pursue someone romantically, their good intentions and persistence run afoul of social etiquette, and instead of appearing sweet or thoughtful, they come off as creeps. Big fucking creeps.

Graham Mitchell, a computer science teacher at Leander High School, used to be a creep. But now he’s overcome it and moved on, and he uses his personal experience with the creep mindset to help others avoid the blunders and misunderstandings that create creepiness by giving talks like the upcoming “How Not to Be Creepy: Ways to Raise Your Social Status” (see sidebar for details).

“I was a late bloomer socially, I guess is the most charitable way you could put it,” said Mitchell. Though he had female friends in high school and college, it wasn’t until his until his mid-twenties that he grasped the unwritten rules of human interaction that had previously been stifling his dating life.

“I didn’t used to know the social norms, the social rules,” said Mitchell. “I now know them and I know them in a way that normal people don’t because normal people pick them up as they grow up naturally, natively. I didn’t. I learned them like you learn Spanish.”

Though he said creeps exist throughout the population, Mitchell, who received his bachelor’s in computer science from UT in 1997, admits that the socially awkward tend to congregate in certain disciplines.

“Computer science and engineering is more about what works, and less about what we would like it to be,” said Mitchell. “I think that people who are socially awkward, they maybe don’t succeed in advertising because they have to deal with human variables, where as when you have to deal with something more mechanical like physics or mathematics, you’re able to thrive in that environment.”

Since the public education system often discourages women from pursuing math and science, fields like engineering and computer science tend to feature a heavily skewed male-female ratio. But that’s been changing in recent years and students like Paul, a civil engineering major working on his PhD, said that associating creeps with engineering is flawed.

“I think it’s a misconception that they’re only majoring in engineering and math,” said Paul. “But at the same time, people who lack social skills have a tendency to get into engineering because they might prefer to focus on studying over socializing.”

Despite majoring in a field with a disproportionately sized male population, where you might find the occasional creep, Paul said it hasn’t really affected his dating life because social mixing isn’t limited by majors.

“Just because our classes were mainly male didn’t prevent us from meeting females,” said Paul. “[At UT] we have a tailgating group of civil engineering grad students, but they bring friends and so you get to meet people.”

When talking to college audiences however, Mitchell’s talks go over more than just not creeping out girls. Even in highly technical fields, interacting with coworkers and management, without making them feel uneasy, is a crucial skill.

“Their core flaw is undervaluing politeness,” said Mitchell.

Mitchell continued, saying that the problem creeps tend to have with socializing is failing to understand that just because something is true, doesn’t mean it won’t have emotional consequences for the person hearing.

“Another thing for maybe creeps specifically, as opposed to just nerds or the socially awkward, is the belief that if someone doesn’t like me, I can win them over they way I do in the movies,” said Mitchell.

Romantic gestures only work when the other person is interested. If someone likes you back, sending them flowers is sweet. If the object of your affection doesn’t even know your name, showing up at their house at 2 a.m. with a boombox Lloyd Dobbler-style isn’t cute, it’s creepy. Super fucking creepy.

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F*Bomb in Print: Doin’ It In The Dorms

Posted on September 21, 2011 by Tero484.com

Recently released from the harsh yolk of parental supervision, freshmen enter the dorms ready to embrace all the freedom that adulthood entails. Unfortunately, instead of centers of responsible decision-making, dorms tend to be post-adolescent penal colonies ruled by bitter RAs, where alcohol abuse, Adderall-fueled all-nighters, and sexual experimentation are common occurrences. From the agony of “sexile” to the maddening frustration of no privacy for masturbation, co-ed dormitories can be a perfect storm of sexual turmoil.

The first problem those seeking to do it in the dorms encounter is the roommate. Whether you’re matched with a cock-blocking homebody or an insatiable sex freak who’d prefer you slept in the hall, boundaries will need to be established. Polly, a UMASS Amherst student, and her roommate were able to rely on common sense and mutual respect, but other students may need to develop a system.

“Most people I knew just texted when not to come to the room and then later, when they could come back,” Polly said.

Of course, even with good communication, those times when a roomie has texted a warning not to return can create awkward situations for the student banned from their own bedroom.

“The main issue with dorm sex, besides fitting two or more people into those stupid extra-long beds, is sexile,” said Katie, a former UT student. “There seemed to be people who basically lived in the common areas and I always figured they had slutty roommates.”

Beyond disrespectful roommates, the cramped corridors of most dorms can present other issues, as well as more than a few opportunities. Since dorm security at UMASS was pretty much a joke, Polly said the sheer convenience of the dorms could sometimes be problematic.

“The easy access in general, though, could cause someone who would usually have time to think things through or change their mind, to have regrets after. Many parties occur in the dorms and the beds are right there,” Polly said.

For other students, however, the convenience was welcome and the other hassles were really only minor hurdles.

“The reason having sex in the dorms was so fun was there was an element of sneakiness,” said Jane, a UT graduate. “If you’re on an all-boys floor, or living in Littlefield like I did, suddenly things like going to the bathroom become covert operations.”

Jane tends to be more nonchalant about dorm sex than other students, however. Describing an experience with a boyfriend that would have left many students scarred for life, Jane was anything but mortified.

“Once we were getting it on in the bottom bunk, and I could hear his roommate on the top bunk,
masturbating. I thought it was pretty hot, but after that he would only have sex in the showers with me,” said Jane.

While Jane sees shower sex as one of the dorm’s “saving graces,” Katie did not share her enthusiasm.

“Don’t do it in the communal bathrooms, that’s fucking nasty,” said Katie, before adding, “At least wear shower shoes.”

Katie also pointed out how even students who aren’t getting any can have their sexual desires hindered by the dormitory lifestyle.

“Don’t forget that even masturbation requires logistical planning when you share a bedroom. Sucks having to explicitly explain to your roommate why they need to leave the room for you to ‘take a nap.’”

Last but not least is the problem of noise pollution. Having the room across the hall blare the new Ke$ha album night and day is obnoxious, but the situation Katie ran into is something else entirely.
“At one point my RA approached me and said ‘Um, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve gotten some complaints about, um, the amount of noise you make when, you know, you’re having relations,’” said Katie. “And then there was a really long awkward silence and she said, ‘You know, working in the honors dorms, I’ve never really had to address this issue before.’”

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Sacred Sex

Posted on September 13, 2011 by Tero484.com

Even though the orgasm is humanity’s most readily accessible spiritual experience, organized religion has a long standing beef with sex.  From original sin to circumcision, Muslims to Methodists, anytime a group of people decide that God has shown them the one true path, that path inevitably involves putting a stop to all the free love sex orgies. No one was worse about this point then the uptight New England Puritans who shaped the moral compass of early America. In their eyes, work was the best and sex was the worst. Historical records are unclear on how they felt about sex work.

Fortunately, in the last few years various religiously inclined folks have started pointing out that while deviant unmarried slutty fun sex is obviously bad, can’t devout married couples do what they want in the bedroom? And what about all those curious looking secular sex products? If their faith is pure and their marriage monogamous, why can’t they use vibrating cock rings and thick black butt plugs too?

Heading this call, each of the major monotheistic religions have responded in their own faith directed manner, though generally it just means a bland, unsexy website. While most of the F*Bomb staff are Orthodox Gnostics, we decided to put aside our religious beliefs for a moment and take a look at what the other teams are offering.

Christianity

Despite the fact that they worship a scantily clad carpenter hanging from a cross, Christians tend to be pretty down on sex. Fuck, let’s face it, they invented “missionary,” which is basically the Beatles of sex positions, as ubiquitous as it is boring. However, if you want to buy some Lucky Lovers Message Dice without having to risk stumbling across a naughty image, the Christians have got you covered. Just remember, it’s like a head shop. Bongs aren’t bongs, they’re water pipes. Double sided dildos aren’t double sided dildos, they’re marital aids. Here’s their mission statements in their own words

My Beloved’s Garden says, “At My Beloved’s Garden, we provide a safe non-pornographic place to shop for all your Christian sex toys and romance needs, while keeping Christ at the center of your marriage.” But do you still have to keep Christ in the center when you’re doing missionary?

Book22 says, “The twenty-second book of the Bible is Song of Solomon. We believe that God intended that such love, as spoken of in Song of Solomon, be a beautiful and normal part of marital life. Unfortunately this gift from God has been grossly distorted and abused by both ancient and modern people. Book22 is offering quality products to enhance the intimate life of God’s children.” One of the categories on their sidebar is “Aids.” They mean “Assorted Sex Toys,” but it’s still weird seeing a sex shop selling “Aids.”

Christian Love Toys has Site Guidelines that give 8 Commandments for using the site. Number 5 is “Do NOT allow this site to support you giving into perversion, impurity, or inappropriate fantasizing.” Also, only married people should use the site and they should only use it together. It’s amazing CLT doesn’t make you sign a waiver.

Judaism

Despite what you may have heard, Jewish people don’t actually have sex through a hole in a sheet. However, they do have a sex toy website so sad and sparse that of the four product categories offered, the fourth, Lingerie, is completely empty. Beyond lackluster web design, Orthodox Judaism does offer some interesting thoughts on marrital relations.

Sex isn’t just for procreational purposes. It helps establish an important bond between husband and wife and “Sex for selfish personal satisfaction, without regard for the partner’s pleasure, is wrong and evil. A man may never force his wife to have sex.” That’s pretty cool. And abortions are allowed, mandatory even if the mother’s life is in danger.

However, if you’re following the rules just right, you gotta mind this thing called the law of niddah, which basically says husband and wife can’t touch or share a bed when she is menstruating. While some feminists might take offense to that, apparently, it actually helps keeps the marriage sexy.

Islam

Well, alright, so let’s start this by saying, like any other religion, Muslims believe a lot of different things. Here in America, we tend to get riled up by horror stories about how they stone women to death for ordering Pizza Hut or whatever, and that shit definitely sucks. Stoning woman to death is not sex positive.

However, Islam itself isn’t as sex hating as some of its followers would lead you to believe. Dr. Heba Kotb, Egypt’s first sexologist, says that Muhammad wanted ladies to have rad orgasms, as long as they were married and they shouldn’t masturbate, even if they’re married because if the man does his job right they’ll be fulfilled. So yeah, there’s that.

But then on the other hand, there’s El Asira, the best designed religious sex toy website F*Bomb has seen yet. Just like a mosque, the site even has different entrances for the different sexes. As cool as it looks however, once you get inside and change the language from Dutch to English, you realize that all El Asira really sells are a bunch of massage lotions and candles. Though the categories have cool exotic names like “Glides,” “Sexual Energy,” and “Intimate,” all of the products seem to be weird lotions. And the “Lingerie” section is still yet to come.

The Rest

Basically, most non-monotheistic religions are down with sex. Buddhists are anti-material world as a matter or principle, but they don’t have any specific problems with fucking. Though the non-Cosmo Kama Sutra is more of a marriage manual than a sex position playbook, Hindus aren’t to freaked out by fucking either. Wiccans, pagans, atheists, Pastafarians, Neo-Zorastarians, chaos magicians and what else, they’re wildly pro-boning. So much so that they don’t even both having their own sex toy sites. They just buy sex toys at regular sites which is where you probably should too unless you really want some Middle Eastern sex glide. Fun fact: Amazon has some of the best sex toy deals on the Internet.

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Planking Sucks

Posted on September 7, 2011 by Tero484.com

Literally.

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F*Bomb in Print: Sex Sells

Posted on September 7, 2011 by Tero484.com

It’s 3:15AM and your typical West Campus rager is winding down. Empty kegs float sadly in their icy bathtubs while those seeking late-night nourishment have already left on a quest for Kerbey Queso. An intoxicated couple who only met a few hours prior are making out on the couch, trying to decide their next step. To the outside observer, sex might seem like the obvious endpoint, but appearances can be deceiving.

In his latest book, Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying, Mark Regnerus, a professor of sociology at the University of Texas, uses the economic model of supply and demand to explore shifts in modern heterosexual relationships.

“There’s plenty of women who like sex as much as men do, and plenty of women who like it more than men do, but on average the claim still holds,” said Regnerus, “On average, men want it more than women do.”

In the past, this disparity between the number of men wanting sex, and the women who are willing to supply it, has given sex a “price,” a set of conditions that limits access. Think third date, nice dinner, and holding the door open for her.

But according to Regnerus, in recent years the price of sex has dropped. Due to a number of factors such as Internet pornography, relaxed social mores, and more women on campus, sex is cheaper than ever. Though on college campuses, it’s not always as cheap as people might think.

“One could walk around [the University of Texas] and see a panoply of flesh and think the market is inexpensive, but I think it’s not,” said Regnerus, “Here there is a segment of the population that hooks up. There’s plenty of college students who don’t, plenty of college students who just have regular relationships.”

What Regenerus says might be skewing the perception of market price is the high profile of the student sub-culture most committed to casual, hook ups.

“When you think of the quintessential college student, I think people still think of the Greek system… Sex is cheaper in the Greek system, especially in the fraternity system, because fraternities create micro-economies of cheap sex by throwing parties with some regularity and restricting the number of men, opening up to all women. That means a micro-economy for a night.”

Those micro-economies are probably how UT earns its Playboy certified party school reputation, but they hardly represent the entire student body. However, sometimes even the larger, less sexual segment of UT students fall victim to their peers’ sexual myths.

Mary Lingwall, author of The Daily Texan’s “Hump Day” sex column, wrote her honor’s thesis on sexual relationships at UT, eventually titling it “Surprisingly Tame: Sex on The College Campus.” Though the average sexually active UT student has only had one partner in the last year, the majority of students Lingwall interviewed assumed 30-70% of their peers had been with three or more partners since entering UT. In fact, student sex lives are more based around relationships than anything else.

“I assumed that sex was seen as something that belongs to the sex and pleasure world and that sometimes it is co-opted into the relationship-world, but that the two spheres were fundamentally separate,” wrote Lingwall. “What I found was that sex was intimately tied to relationship-making intentions and desires, even among college students who seem so horny and carefree.”

Despite common assumptions, and E-Bus anecdotes to the contrary, perhaps UT is not the hook up haven we’ve been lead to believe. As much time as students spend socializing, maybe finding a date is more of a priority than landing a temporary mate. But, if that is the case, then how can we assume our hypothetical couple, last seen making out on a couch, ended their evening? Two words: oral sex.

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