How do you think the mechanics of gay train sex (on a boat) work? Is it like crew, where one person yells “stroke, stroke, stroke” or does each dude just butt fuck at their own pace?

After the still operational Space Jam website, amateur pornography is probably the coolest thing going on online. Across the web, ordinary people are fucking, sucking, and baring all for the world to see. Thanks to the wonderful advances of the modern world, the whole of humanity can now gaze upon the delightfully candid dirty pictures that were once the private pleasure of photo development techs. Unlike the barren rented mansion backdrops of mainstream pornography, amateur smut is cluttered with the intimate details of real life. Just gaze past the “raunchy milf sucking hubbie’s cock” and you’ll see whatever reading material occupies this frisky couple’s nightstand. It’s a voyeur’s paradise.

These Kodak moments capture vacation zucchini insertions and college co-ed sex parties, but they never tell the whole story. Who are these people? How did their private smut collections end up on the Internet? Why did they decide to buy a zucchini on the way back to the hotel and take some dirty pics with it? These questions could drive a person mad.

While Google image searching “teenage pee party” the other day (see previous post), F*Bomb discovered the delightful urolagnia fansite, Peegalleries.net. Divided into specific categories such as Squat, Toilet, Shower, Sink, etc., PeeGalleries is home to over “21000 of 100% real images of peeing nubile chicks – sudden photos made by their friends and roommates in the most delicate moments and in the most unexpected places.” But unlike deliberate watersports porn, all of these girls are in otherwise non-sexual situations, just peeing and having a grand old time with their peeing buddies, not fretting at all about the person with the camera in the room.

Though girls are notorious for peeing in packs, F*Bomb had no idea what fun ladies were having behind closed bathroom doors (or squatting in someone’s yard as the case might be). What kind of night leads you to be out with your gals, peeing in public, and giving a big old grin to the friend taking pictures of you with your pants down? Why isn’t F*Bomb invited to these parties, aside from the fact that we’re horribly rude albino shut-ins with crippling night blindness? We might never know who these girls are, why they’re having such an awesome time peeing, or why someone decided this was a sweet photo opportunity, but we can still imagine. Below are F*Bomb’s favorite super fun pee photos from PeeGalleries.net, and brief hypotheses about what might have been going on beyond the photos frame.

SQUAT

Trisha, the girl with the jeans around her thighs, is from St. Cloud, MI. She cheated on her boyfriend Mark, the guy holding the camera, three times in the year that they dated, though he only found out about the final affair. This picture was taken two months in, when they were walking home after a night out on the town with some of Mark’s co-workers. Trisha has never been shy and since she was basically greyed out from vodka Red Bulls at this point, she didn’t give a fuck about Mark flashing his camera at her while she stopped to squat in the park. Mark tried to get her to give him a quick blowjob a few minutes after this photo, but Trisha refused.

Rachel (pee-er), and her best friend Sara (photographer), are UPenn students (Communications and English majors respectively) who got fed up with the bathroom line at the Delta Sigma Epsilon party they were attending and walked over to the neighbor’s side yard to pee. Sara peed first and was supposed to be look out but decided to take a photo instead. Rachel didn’t care at the time, but drunkenly asked Sara to delete this photo later in the night. Sara obviously decided not to. Two hours after this photo was taken, these girls won a surprising upset victory in a game of beer pong.

TOILET

Karen (on toilet), Claire (tub), and Rebecca (photographer) have been drinking box wine and dancing to Youtube videos of 90s pop songs since 10PM. It’s now 2:34AM. Karen is a grad student and really likes it when her boyfriends chokes her while they’re having sex. Claire waitresses at a Pizzeria Uno’s and threw up in the toilet Karen is sitting on at a party at this apartment two weeks ago.

Brianna (pee-er) is on a road trip to Florida from upstate New York with her boyfriend Kent, his brother Matt, and her friend Daniel (photographer). This was the first day of the trip and Daniel surprised Bri (as her friends call her) on the toilet inside a Flying J. Matt masturbates to the idea of fucking Brianna, his brother’s girlfriend, in the ass almost daily.

URINAL

Cassie (pee-er) does not remember this photo being taken. Cassie and Laura (photographer) snuck into the men’s room of the bar to pee just before last call. Cassie is mad at her boyfriend Derick (cellphone), because he is back in Iowa visiting his family and she knows he is hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, Liz. Derrick is hanging out with Liz, as well as some mutual friends, and is standing outside on the balcony of their apartment, trying to calm his drunk girlfriend down. Cassie made out with one of the Derrick’s friends last night and feels guilty about it, which is partially why she is being such a bitch and a drunken mess tonight.

Amanda (pee-er) and Jordan (girl/photographer) are dirty pee sluts who love having hot sexy pee parties in men’s bathrooms. These slutty college bitches love to pee and get peed on and drink pee and touch pee and they drink so much water they always have to pee and having to pee turns them on. These dirty piss whores are always peeing and having sex while they pee and using mouths for toilets and toilets for mouths. Right after this photo was taken, a bunch of dudes came in the bathroom and peed on them and they peed on the dudes and then everyone had sex in the pee. It was hot.

Happy New Years… NOT!

Why is everyone celebrating like a new year is something to get excited about? Maybe back in the day, when a new year meant some scientist might finally discover a cure for polio, people had a reason to pop champagne and countdown till midnight. But we live in the 21st century and each passing year just brings us closer to the Rapture/Singularity/global warming-zombie plague clusterfuck that we all instinctively know is just over the horizon. If Taiwan’s “10 years too late Y2K” doesn’t collapse the global bonds market, than at best we have one lousy year left until we reach the Mayan Meltdown of 2012. So what the hell are you all so happy for?

Then again maybe now is the time to, as the kids say, “smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.” 2011 might be the last year human beings still live above ground on Planet Earth, so perhaps instead of whining about the economy and worrying about trivial things like credit scores, we should all throw caution to the wind and party like it’s August 29, 1997. Say, “Fuck it.” Just give in to every whim and lustful urge and make 2011 the most bacchanalian blowout humanity as ever seen. Anyways, that’s what F*Bomb is gonna do.

So rather than recap a bunch of boring shit that happened, like, almost a year ago, we’re going to look ahead to the final hours of civilization’s last stand and predict a few of the rad collective kegstands mankind might pull off before everything goes pear shaped. And of course, since F*Bomb is ostensibly some sort of “sex blog,” these are all about fucking. So with out further ado, here are F*Bomb’s Top #11 Predictions for Sexual Trends/Events in the Year 2011.

#11

Obama Sex Tape

Remember the Clinton years? The big business/Republican power conglomerate’s strategy starts with comparisons to Hitler and accusations of socialism regarding health care reform and then, when that fails, they fabricate a sex scandal. And of course, lest we forget, Barrack Obama is a black man. America’s entrenched cultural racism has already freaked out about him being a Muslim and a secret Kenyan, so what’s left but to accuse him of coming after our white women? Let’s just hope the sex tape is as detailed and sexually explicit as the infamously erotic Starr report.

#10

America’s Teens Discover Watersports

Like sexting, smoking smarties, Twilight, eye-dosing, and ghost riding the whip, pee play is set to be the newest teenage fad to catch concerned adults off-guard. Sexual activities involving urine, commonly known as “watersports,” has long been a popular pursuit for kinky adults, but in 2010 teens across America will discover that peeing with, on, or nearby your friends is totally awesome. Parents and newscasters will get their panties in a twist and struggle to comprehend why on Earth teenagers would ever want to pee on each other for sexual gratification, making watersports the most baffling teenage fad since Applejacks.

#9

Gay Coup D’etat Takes Over Military

The real reason the Pentagon has been so reluctant to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is because they know that gay soldiers are the buffest, roughest dudes in the entire military (dudes being a gender neutral term that includes lesbians).  As soon as the gays all come out of the Army equivalent of the closet (the footlocker?), they’ll realize that combined, they are an all powerful fighting force more fearsome and tough than a Navy SEAL buttfucking a Green Beret. The homosexual’s bloody coup will be as fast as it is fabulous and all four branches of the American military will quickly be put under gay command. Then, the newly formed “Rainbow Coalition” will win the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and start some shit with North Korea that Kim Jong-Il won’t want no part of.

#8

Who Wants New Genitals? Breaks All TV Records

FOX’s American adaptation of the popular Thai game show, “ใครต้องการองคชาตใหม่,” ( in English, “Who Wants New Genitals?“) is going to be the gender-bending reality competition the western world didn’t even know it was waiting for. A cross between American Idol, RuPaul’s Drag Race, and The Swan, WWNG? pits a dozen pre-op transexuals against each other in a wacky competition/talent show to see who will receive the grand prize operation. The show premiers in April and the panel of bitchy judges is rumored to include FTM pornstar Buck Angel, Bruce Vilanch, and Paula Abdul.

#7

Dick Sucking Roomba

Roomba manufacturer iRobot recently announced the 2011 release of Roomba 2.0, which the Internet has taken to calling “the dick sucking Roomba.” Roomba 2.0 is just like the classic robotic vacuum cleaner, except for a new attachment hose that simulates fellatio. Wired hailed it as the technology breakthrough of the year after briefly test driving a beta version. Later in the 2011, iRobot plans to follow Roomba 2.0 with Girl Roomba, which we’ve heard is basically a cross between a Roomba and a Sybian.

#6

Finnish College Students Accomplish World’s First 22-Way Kiss

Science said it couldn’t be done, but sometime next year the world’s first 22-way kiss will be accomplished. F*Bomb’s sources inside the world of competitive sexual events are saying that a group of Finnish college students have just about pulled it off, so be ready for that one. This could be a game changer.

#5

Science Admits Possibility of “Female Orgasm”

Though more testing needs to be done, the scientific community is set to publish a paper in early 2011 that proposes a radical new theory suggesting that the female body might be capable of experiencing its own lesser version of the male orgasm. Obviously, this theory is still highly debated within the medical community that studies human physiology and evolutionary biologists have pointed out that such an “orgasm” would serve no reproductive purpose, but the authors of the paper claim to have documented proof that female orgasms exist. Critics have responded that the theory is nonsense and these supposed orgasms are nothing more than hysteria induced epilepsy, a common female condition.

#4

F*Bomb Enters Guinness World Records For ATM Centipede

This summer, F*Bomb is staging an event to enter the Guinness Book of World Records for “Longest Ass to Mouth Human Centipede (Non-surgical).” Be part of this historic moment where we join together as one long analingus loving being and make our mark on human history. E-mail fbombforever@gmail.com for details on how to participate.

#3

Cheap, Effective Dick Enlargening Method Approved By FDA

ExtenZe, that annoying dick pill you’ve seen advertised on TV, is set to get their new formula approved by the FDA because holy shit, get this, it apparently works. A monthly treatment is enough to double the length and girth of the average cock and only costs $44.95.  The cheap price and astounding results will encourage men around the world to balloon their schlongs to insane sizes. But of course, part of the reason society focuses on big dicks is because they’re above average size. Once all men are hung with grotesquely swollen sausages, normal sized, functional dicks that can maintain erections without making the man pass out will quickly come back into popularity. The only upside of all this dick disfiguring is that it will usher in the end of the skinny jean era.

#2

Cosmo Discovers New Sex Position

It’s called “The Stork” and it’s supposedly awesome.

# 1

Internet Porn Singularity

Thanks to countless celebrity sex tapes, amateur porn tube sites, vengeful ex-boyfriends, and lax societal standards, we are quickly reaching what has come to be known as the “porn singularity.” As 2011 comes to a close, Internet porn proliferation will start occurring so rapidly that it reaches its exponential limit. At that point, all porn that has ever been, or ever will be, will be instantly available on the Internet. For free. Also, every currently living human being will have a sex tape on the Internet, reducing Andy Warhol’s 15 Minutes of Fame to a mere .000000000015 Seconds of Infamy. F*Bomb, never one to miss out on an Internet fad, has had a sex tape out for years. You can check it our here.

Happy New Year’s.

Sometime this summer, F*Bomb is going to organize an event to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for “Longest Ass to Mouth Human Centipede (Non-surgical division).”

By law, all media companies are required to provide some sort of Christmas (or lower tier holiday) seasonal coverage during the month of December. It’s as stupid and arbitrary a law as Canada’s “Canadian content” quotas but them’s the breaks. So here, vaguely fulfilling the requirement, are two sexual Youtube Christmas videos by Internet superstar MajelaZeZeDiamond. If only the real Santa Claus was as cool as MajelaZeZeDiamond (who describes herself as “queen of sex, queen of commando, queen of pussy”), than maybe Christmas would be a holiday people other than greedy 4 year olds and consumer sheep enjoy.

Also, since it can be hard to understand what MajelaZeZeDiamond is saying at all times, the respective lyrics are included below both videos. “Christmas Pussy Song” and “Christmas Vagina Song” are very different and should never be confused for one another, but here is the explanation MajelaZeZeDiamond gives for both videos.

“This is a vagina (pussy) awareness public service announcement; this is one of the songs that I have written. I hope that you enjoy listening to it.”

There you have it folks. Merry Christmas from MajelaZeZeDiamond and F*Bomb.

Father Christmas fucked my pussy (Christmas pussy song)

Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, oh,
Vagina, vagina, eh
Christmas pussy, pussy
Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, oh,
Vagina, vagina, eh
Christmas jiggy, jiggy

Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy,
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy,
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy

Father Christmas, lover boy!
Come over here, give me your dick
Dip it in, in my cunt,
Dip it in, in my cunt

Father Christmas, lover boy!
Dip your dicky in my cunt
Dip your dicky in my cunt

Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, oh
Vagina, vagina, eh
Christmas pussy, pussy
Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, oh
Vagina, vagina, eh
Christmas jiggy, jiggy

Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy,
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy,
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy

Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy,
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy,
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy
Father Christmas fuck my pussy, fuck, fuck my pussy

This is Christmas,
We gonna have lots of sex
This is Christmas,
We gonna have lots of sex
This is Christmas,
We gonna have lots of sex
This is Christmas,
We gonna have lots of sex

Father Christmas, lover boy!
I’m here, I’m over here

Dip your penis in my pussy,
Dip your penis in my pussy,
Dip your penis in my pussy

Father Christmas, lover boy!
Cool!

Santa ate my pussy (Christmas vagina song)

Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry wet vagina
Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry pussy time
Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry wet vagina
Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry pussy time
Smell of penis in the air,
smell of pussy every where
Smell of sex in the air,
We are gonna doggie and missionary

Santa give me your penis,
I’m gonna give you my pussy
Smell of sex in the air,
We gonna doggie and missionary

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
Your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shake your bum bum,
Shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shakey, shake your bum bum

Okay! Santa, come over here,
Fuck my pussy
Fuck my pussy,
Fuck my pussy
Fuck it hard,
Fuck it hard
Fuck it hard,
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
Santa, fuck my pussy deeper, deeper, deeper, faster, harder

I love your penis; it’s big, it’s long, it’s hard,
Thank you, Santa
Ah, ah, all right

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Majela… queen of sex, queen of commando, queen of pussy
Go girl, ah, ah, ah
Santa, penetrate deep, fuck me harder, fuck my pussy,
Santa, merry Christmas
Fuck me harder, harder, harder, harder, harder!
Eh! yeah

Oh, merry, merry Christmas,
Merry wet vagina
Merry, merry Christmas,
Merry pussy time
Smell of penis in the air,
Smell of pussy everywhere
Smell of sex in the air,
We gonna doggie and missionary

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Santa come down the chimney,
Your mistletoe
Eat my Vagina,
Lick my vagina
Sniff my vagina,
your Christmas lunch
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Santa, pussy eater!

According to a hastily done informal survey conducted by F*Bomb, the most popular blogs on the Internet are about cupcakes. That’s bullshit. Isn’t sex supposed to be the driving force behind the world wide web? Why would anyone want to read about cupcakes? Cupcakes, quite frankly, suck. Everyone knows pie is superior to cake and cupcakes are just shitty little cakes that you have to unwrap before you eat them. They’re supposed to be what you bake for the birthday of your least favorite child, not some Twitter trending gourmet gojii berry hobby.

Still, F*Bomb is in the blog business for purely profit based motivations and we would be slacking on our shareholder obligations if we didn’t at least try and stay somewhat on top of the current cyber-fads. That’s why we have a Dilbert comic hanging in the office and we always link to those adorable LOLcats photos. So since we’re so cool and hip and in-the-Internet-know, F*Bomb is now going to incorporate more cupcake type content into the blog.

But what is it about cupcakes that makes middle aged morons hip young urban professionals go nuts over them? It can’t be the taste or packaging, because that shit so obviously sucks. So it must be the sprinkles, right? Aside from cream cheese based frosting, sprinkles are the only redeeming element involved in the creation of a cupcake. Fortunately, for both F*Bomb’s pervy readers and fad focused shareholders, sex and sprinkles go together fairly well. Below are some hot, sexy, sprinkley pics that should turn you on, make you hungry, and boost F*Bomb’s Google searchability rating by a couple notches.

Also, please tell all your friends about F*Bomb, Twitter us like crazy, and link back to us on your own sad, pathetic cupcake blogs, before we’re forced to become an iPad app review blog with zany “Box the Monkey to Win a Zune” banner ads.

That last fact map is an interesting one. Do you think the dark red states are looking at more porn, or are they just so tech illiterate that they’re subscribing to porn sites instead of scamming it for free off Redtube? Anyways, here are the sex laws Redtube’s research team overlooked when they were quickly browsing Wikipedia and BoingBoing.

F*BOMB’S GUIDE TO STRANGE AND SURPRISING SEX LAWS (Listed alphabetically by country)

Angola – All porn films must have a well-constructed and plausible plot

Belarus – Male nipples are airbrushed out of all pornography. Female nipples still allowed

Canada – All media in Canada, including pornography, must have 35% “Canadian content.” That’s why hockey games are always playing in the background of Canadian porn

Dominican Republic – Opening credit sequences to pornographic films must feature the official Dominican Republic Pornography Theme Song

Egypt – No porn on the pyramids

Finland – Illegal to show ejaculate unless presented as the result of an accident (Finland’s most popular porn series is called “Hups tulin” which translates to “Ooops! I came” in English)

Greece – Male porn actors banned from growing beards

Honduras – No animals in porn, even if they’re only watching

Ireland – No oral sex scenes longer than 4 minutes

Jordan – Dirty talk must be highly complimentary and in no way demeaning

Kazakhstan – Only ten registered performers allowed to do anal scenes

Luxembourg – Can’t show the faces of any of the actors

Mexico – “Tijuana bibles” have been banned in Tijuana since 1993

New Zealand – Continues to deny location permits to “Lord of the Rings: A XXX Parody”

Oman – Each scene must maintain a 2:1 female-male ratio

Poland – Illegal to show bras being unfastened

Qatar – Ejaculate must be cleaned up with US currency at the end of each scene

Russia – Porn featuring transexxuals must be clearly labeled as such to avoid confusion

Samoa – Extremely high tariff on importing rival Tongan pornography

Tonga – Extremely high tariff on importing rival Samoan pornography

Uruguay – No talking, dirty or otherwise

Vatican City – It is forbidden to remove “Pope Porn” from its secret underground vault

Wales – No “cheeky” lasses

Yemen – Ban on pornographic video and images has made Yemen the world’s largest consumer of erotic audiobooks

Zambia – Couples must be married on screen before sexual contact begins

This Wednesday, F*Bomb will be leaving the comfy, cum-soaked confines of our subterranean blog-quarters to venture out into the real world for a rare live action performance. Fellow perverts/Word Press enthusiasts Bedpost Confessions invited us to speak at their excellent literary erotic spoken word series and we said yes because who would say no to a cabal of attractive lady bloggers? Not F*Bomb, that’s for damn sure.

So if you live anywhere near the Austin area, please come out on Wednesday night to hear a live reading of F*Bomb’s newest salacious, salvatious sex story. Here are the event details, the Bedpost Confession flyer, and some more info on the piece we’ll be performing after the jump.

WHO: F*Bomb motherfucker!

WHAT: Reading a dirty ass story w/ some erotic performance art accompaniment

WHEN: Wednesday December 15 8PM-10PM

WHERE:(Right next to Spider House) at

US Art Authority
2906 Fruth Street
Austin, TX 78705

WHY: ????

Even though we already know you’re going to come, if just to see how horrible and disfigured we are in person (the answer is very. Think Rocky Dennis, Eric Stoltz’s character from the movie Mask), here is a little info about the piece we’ll be performing to sweeten the deal. Of course, we’re very anti-spoiler here at F*Bomb so, as not to ruin any surprises, the following is a pictographic summary of what will be a spoken word performance. See you there.

Okay so someone that looks like this will be standing on a stage. He/she/it will be reading aloud about…

Camaros…

Mall security…

Pepperoni pizza…

Awesome boobs…

Nacho Cheese Gorditas…

Hand jobs…

and Dairy Queen Blizzards.

Needless to say, it’s going to be awesome.