Happy New Years… NOT!

Why is everyone celebrating like a new year is something to get excited about? Maybe back in the day, when a new year meant some scientist might finally discover a cure for polio, people had a reason to pop champagne and countdown till midnight. But we live in the 21st century and each passing year just brings us closer to the Rapture/Singularity/global warming-zombie plague clusterfuck that we all instinctively know is just over the horizon. If Taiwan’s “10 years too late Y2K” doesn’t collapse the global bonds market, than at best we have one lousy year left until we reach the Mayan Meltdown of 2012. So what the hell are you all so happy for?

Then again maybe now is the time to, as the kids say, “smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.” 2011 might be the last year human beings still live above ground on Planet Earth, so perhaps instead of whining about the economy and worrying about trivial things like credit scores, we should all throw caution to the wind and party like it’s August 29, 1997. Say, “Fuck it.” Just give in to every whim and lustful urge and make 2011 the most bacchanalian blowout humanity as ever seen. Anyways, that’s what F*Bomb is gonna do.

So rather than recap a bunch of boring shit that happened, like, almost a year ago, we’re going to look ahead to the final hours of civilization’s last stand and predict a few of the rad collective kegstands mankind might pull off before everything goes pear shaped. And of course, since F*Bomb is ostensibly some sort of “sex blog,” these are all about fucking. So with out further ado, here are F*Bomb’s Top #11 Predictions for Sexual Trends/Events in the Year 2011.

#11

Obama Sex Tape

Remember the Clinton years? The big business/Republican power conglomerate’s strategy starts with comparisons to Hitler and accusations of socialism regarding health care reform and then, when that fails, they fabricate a sex scandal. And of course, lest we forget, Barrack Obama is a black man. America’s entrenched cultural racism has already freaked out about him being a Muslim and a secret Kenyan, so what’s left but to accuse him of coming after our white women? Let’s just hope the sex tape is as detailed and sexually explicit as the infamously erotic Starr report.

#10

America’s Teens Discover Watersports

Like sexting, smoking smarties, Twilight, eye-dosing, and ghost riding the whip, pee play is set to be the newest teenage fad to catch concerned adults off-guard. Sexual activities involving urine, commonly known as “watersports,” has long been a popular pursuit for kinky adults, but in 2010 teens across America will discover that peeing with, on, or nearby your friends is totally awesome. Parents and newscasters will get their panties in a twist and struggle to comprehend why on Earth teenagers would ever want to pee on each other for sexual gratification, making watersports the most baffling teenage fad since Applejacks.

#9

Gay Coup D’etat Takes Over Military

The real reason the Pentagon has been so reluctant to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is because they know that gay soldiers are the buffest, roughest dudes in the entire military (dudes being a gender neutral term that includes lesbians).  As soon as the gays all come out of the Army equivalent of the closet (the footlocker?), they’ll realize that combined, they are an all powerful fighting force more fearsome and tough than a Navy SEAL buttfucking a Green Beret. The homosexual’s bloody coup will be as fast as it is fabulous and all four branches of the American military will quickly be put under gay command. Then, the newly formed “Rainbow Coalition” will win the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and start some shit with North Korea that Kim Jong-Il won’t want no part of.

#8

Who Wants New Genitals? Breaks All TV Records

FOX’s American adaptation of the popular Thai game show, “ใครต้องการองคชาตใหม่,” ( in English, “Who Wants New Genitals?“) is going to be the gender-bending reality competition the western world didn’t even know it was waiting for. A cross between American Idol, RuPaul’s Drag Race, and The Swan, WWNG? pits a dozen pre-op transexuals against each other in a wacky competition/talent show to see who will receive the grand prize operation. The show premiers in April and the panel of bitchy judges is rumored to include FTM pornstar Buck Angel, Bruce Vilanch, and Paula Abdul.

#7

Dick Sucking Roomba

Roomba manufacturer iRobot recently announced the 2011 release of Roomba 2.0, which the Internet has taken to calling “the dick sucking Roomba.” Roomba 2.0 is just like the classic robotic vacuum cleaner, except for a new attachment hose that simulates fellatio. Wired hailed it as the technology breakthrough of the year after briefly test driving a beta version. Later in the 2011, iRobot plans to follow Roomba 2.0 with Girl Roomba, which we’ve heard is basically a cross between a Roomba and a Sybian.

#6

Finnish College Students Accomplish World’s First 22-Way Kiss

Science said it couldn’t be done, but sometime next year the world’s first 22-way kiss will be accomplished. F*Bomb’s sources inside the world of competitive sexual events are saying that a group of Finnish college students have just about pulled it off, so be ready for that one. This could be a game changer.

#5

Science Admits Possibility of “Female Orgasm”

Though more testing needs to be done, the scientific community is set to publish a paper in early 2011 that proposes a radical new theory suggesting that the female body might be capable of experiencing its own lesser version of the male orgasm. Obviously, this theory is still highly debated within the medical community that studies human physiology and evolutionary biologists have pointed out that such an “orgasm” would serve no reproductive purpose, but the authors of the paper claim to have documented proof that female orgasms exist. Critics have responded that the theory is nonsense and these supposed orgasms are nothing more than hysteria induced epilepsy, a common female condition.

#4

F*Bomb Enters Guinness World Records For ATM Centipede

This summer, F*Bomb is staging an event to enter the Guinness Book of World Records for “Longest Ass to Mouth Human Centipede (Non-surgical).” Be part of this historic moment where we join together as one long analingus loving being and make our mark on human history. E-mail [email protected] for details on how to participate.

#3

Cheap, Effective Dick Enlargening Method Approved By FDA

ExtenZe, that annoying dick pill you’ve seen advertised on TV, is set to get their new formula approved by the FDA because holy shit, get this, it apparently works. A monthly treatment is enough to double the length and girth of the average cock and only costs $44.95.  The cheap price and astounding results will encourage men around the world to balloon their schlongs to insane sizes. But of course, part of the reason society focuses on big dicks is because they’re above average size. Once all men are hung with grotesquely swollen sausages, normal sized, functional dicks that can maintain erections without making the man pass out will quickly come back into popularity. The only upside of all this dick disfiguring is that it will usher in the end of the skinny jean era.

#2

Cosmo Discovers New Sex Position

It’s called “The Stork” and it’s supposedly awesome.

# 1

Internet Porn Singularity

Thanks to countless celebrity sex tapes, amateur porn tube sites, vengeful ex-boyfriends, and lax societal standards, we are quickly reaching what has come to be known as the “porn singularity.” As 2011 comes to a close, Internet porn proliferation will start occurring so rapidly that it reaches its exponential limit. At that point, all porn that has ever been, or ever will be, will be instantly available on the Internet. For free. Also, every currently living human being will have a sex tape on the Internet, reducing Andy Warhol’s 15 Minutes of Fame to a mere .000000000015 Seconds of Infamy. F*Bomb, never one to miss out on an Internet fad, has had a sex tape out for years. You can check it our here.

Happy New Year’s.

• BROWSE / IN TIMELINE
• « Human Centipede (Full Sequence)
• » Pee Shy

• BROWSE / IN Editorial
• « The Genesis of Pandrogyny