Creep Boobs

Pretty much gonna let this one speak for itself.

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Manhood Camping: Not Gay and Bring a Crystal

Smokey wants YOU to put on this crystal and JO with him.

Remember this guy? Well, either he’s at it again or this manly JO crystal charging fad is sweeping the nation. This time however, they’re try to add a little fresh air into the manly, NOT GAY, masturbation mix. You should read the full ad in all its glory here (or here if that link dies) because if we tried to excerpt the best parts, we’d end up copying and pasting the whole damn thing. Well, maybe this line sums it up pretty well:

“Looking for bros to head into the woods and bond by fire, experience life as men once lived it, JO circle, and fire/vision quests.”

Fire AND vision quests? What is a fire quest, you ask? Well, Google “fire quest” and you’ll find this site that sells “exotic shotgun ammo” like the 12-gauge Flamethrower round, that “produces an enormous wall of fire for 50 + feet.” Are you serious? This camping trip is going to be manly as hell! No way anything that flames that hard could be considered gay.

But if you wanna come on this JO/vison/fire quest, you’re going to need to pack more than just flamethrowing shotgun shells, because the host “don’t want to be slowed down by fools.” According to the graciously provided supply list, a manly camping trip requires:

Ed Hardy Camping Gear

"it's really good gear and it's awesome"

Desire to be a man among men

What's the costume theme for this year's mancamp?

Not afraid to wield a blade


There’s probably going to be a lot of meat-filled denim on this camping trip.

Crystal

Because he's not sharing his

Protective/splash resistant eye wear

And don’t forget “5 – 10 of those clip things that rock climbers use” and Nickelback’s The Long Road album. You can’t mancamp without those. And ain’t nothing gay about Nickelback.

And just in case you’re not convinced about the spiritual energy than can be channeled by jacking off with your bros while wearing a crystal, as well as how NOT GAY this all is, check out the final testimonial offered by the author.

“Last outing, we had a group that was so charged we attracted bears. It was no deal, nature knew man was in the forest, the crystals gave us the confidence to own those bears. I saw it, I was there.”

Their fire/vision/jack off/crystal bro-magic was so powerful they attracted BEARS! Ain’t nothing gay about that.

We couldn't help but notice you were jacking off with crystals...

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Girls + Guns = FREEDOM! pt. 1

America is the 7th best country in the world for one reason: our deep seated love of freedom. Not only do we support the right to bear arms, but we support the right of bare arms to boot. Add the two together and you get something that’s more utterly American than Uncle Sam fucking an apple pie and an illegal secret war rolled into one. You get hot girls, shooting guns. Pure American perfection.

Though this video has been dubbed, copied, and passed around at gun shows and militia meetings for over a decade, it’s only recently that the culture crate diggers Found Footage Film Festival loaded it up onto the Internet for everyone else to enjoy. We originally hoped to post this lil doozie on the 4th of July, but our stupid website was down and we were too busy hosting an X-rated hot dog eating contest (pretty much like a regular hot dog eating contest except that points are subtracted for chewing) to bother with it. But here it is now, just as perfect and patriotic as it would have been a month ago. Enjoy and then please donate to our Kickstarter page (as soon as we make it) for our proposed “Twinks and Katanas” sequel.

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SMUT CITY presents: RAW TALENT

If there were any justice in this world, RAW TALENT would be a widely available, beloved cult classic. Sex-positive teenage punks would broadcast their respect for the film by sewing home made RAW TALENT patches on to the backs of their studded, denim vests and independent video stores would proudly display framed, limited edition RAW TALENT posters on their walls. But there is no justice and so instead of respect and admiration, RAW TALENT’s has received little more than a brutally cut and censored DVD release that removed all of the plot, humor, and action and left nothing but disjointed fucking!

Well fuck that. This Saturday’s SMUT CITY is showing a full-length, uncensored version of what is quite possibly the greatest kung-fu, comedy, drama porno ever made. The film stars Jerry Butler as an aspiring actor who ends up doing some dirty loops for a quick buck. A few years later, when he’s finally caught his break and landed a starring role on a popular soap opera, his pornographic past comes back to haunt him. His only dream shattered by the cynical porn producers who played him for a fool, Butler is left with no choice but to FIGHT BACK!!! And by fight back, we mean this:

That’s right, this an X-rated movie with honest to god ass-kicking fight scenes! The quintessential 42nd street film, RAW TALENT tried to capture everything that it thought would bring an audience into a sleazy theater, namely sex, fighting, and comedy. The result is so overwhelming enjoyable that you’ll forget your watching a porno, right up until the devastatingly sexy Taija Rae appears on screen, that is. Anyways, RAW TALENT was so inspiring, we even briefly considered filming a full on remake. As you can see below, it didn’t really work out.

WHAT: SMUT CITY presents: RAW TALENT

WHEN: July 23rd, 11:30PM

WHERE: The New Movement, 1819 Rosewood Ave

PS: 18+ and BYOB

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We’re Back!!!

Amazing Bottom Slap! from photography-factory.co.uk on Vimeo.

Celebrate! After a long, annoying battle with technical difficulties, F*Bomb is back online and ready to do what we do best: Show you weird sex shit from the Internet that makes you feel a little uncomfortable… and a lot turned on! While this blog is still undergoing some awkward transformations- like trying on training bras, learning how to suck dick without scraping teeth, and experimenting with pot- over the next few weeks we’re going to be rolling out a lot of new content and redefining what makes F*Bomb so delightfully dirty and utterly unique. Like our strained puberty metaphor implies, we’re in the process of growing out of our clumsy, confused childhood stage, becoming a teenage nymphomaniacal menace before your very eyes, leaving a trail of broken hearts and sexual fluid in our wake. So stay tuned, because we’re back and ready to blog our fucking brains out.

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F is for Photos

There’s a lot of porn on the Internet. Most of it is the result of a sexual-industrial complex that just churns out triple-X with a focus on quantity over anything resembling quality, but as with any increase in production, we are starting to see a slow rise in good smut. Most of that new found quality is coming from a strange scene on Tumblr, an assortment of blogs passing around and re-posting artsy and amateur sex pics with little to no attribution. Most of the time, we have no idea where these photos came from, who took them, or who’s in them, but we do know one thing for sure: They’re hot. They’re super fucking hot. Holy shit, they are so hot.

Thus far, F*Bomb has been following these photos, but we haven’t joined in on the posting. We like to give our content a little context, and so aimlessly posting assorted photos didn’t really fit our mission statement (okay, revised mission statement. Mission statement one was to get laid and we gave up on that months ago). But we don’t want to miss out on the fun either. So we’re going to be trying a new thing for the next few weeks. Each week, we’ll post a handful of the hottest photos we’ve seen floating around in the digital ether. Maybe sometimes they’ll be themed, or other times all totally random. Please comment and let us know what you think of the format. Want more gay stuff? Better thematic groupings? Less or more photos? Too hardcore or not enough? Comment and we’ll do our best to accommodate.

First up, we have this lovely assortment of female-on-male oral.

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Mind, Body, and Pole

Times Square is an overpriced shopping mall, Lady GaGa wore dildo heels on American Idol, and pole dancing is now regarded as a legitimate form of exercise and artistic expression, rather than a way to trick dudes with boners out of dollar bills. Sleaze is quickly becoming an endangered species in this country. Though we may wish that Times Square would go back to being an open air sex market, or that Lady GaGa would have had J. Lo sit on her shoes while she was guesting on Idol, this new pole dancing fad is actually something we’re pretty okay with.

For starters, it’s some impressive shit. Are you seeing that? Are you seeing what that girl is doing? That’s crazy, especially when you think about how hard just doing a single goddamn chin up is. Just like break dancing, twirling around a pole is a technical skill that- though once demeaned at a “lower art form”- is now getting long overdue props for the fact that it takes a considerable amount of talent. Though it might be another few years before we see Step Up 5: Work That Pole hitting theaters, there’s no denying that pole dancing is on the rise. If you live in Austin and are a lady or an overweight man, Brass Ovaries is offering this rad Groupon for half off on $100 of pole knowledge, which is a great investment in either your health or future career as an erotic dancer. Or both.

But what else is going on these days in the wide world of pole working? It’s got to be more than just moms who got sick of doing pilates, right? F*Bomb investigates.

Stripping for the Savior

Christians have recently begun to believe that they can somehow take the sin out of sex and still enjoy all the dirty shit us heathens are going to burn in Hell for. They started by calling dildos “marital aids” and now they’re claiming that dance moves invented by strippers can be called “pole fitness” if you do it to Amy Grant songs. We disagree.

Rating: $0 tip

Big in Japan

Apparently, Japan has been riding this pole dancing craze for a while now. In 2009, Japanese gore-sploitation star Cay Izumi brought a pole with her on the plane to Fantastic Fest, just so she could show off her considerable skills by dancing along to “Dirty Diana” at one of the Highball parties. But that’s just the tip of the lithe, acrobatic Japanese iceberg. Check out this highlight reel from Japan’s 2008 Pole Dancing Championships.

Rating: All the singles we have on us

Dancing in the Street

As good as those Japanese girls are, they lack the imagination of the lovely ladies competing for the title of Miss Pole Dance Colombia 2011. To promote the event, as well as pole dancing as a form of fitness, a bunch of hot Colombian babes took to the streets of Medellin to do some sexualized sign swinging. As far as vaguely feminist hobbies centered around urban landscapes go, we rate this way higher than “knitting graffiti.” You can see all the photos here or check out our three favorites below.

Rating: Going to the bar to break a $20

 

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Hole in One

Golf is a sexual game. You’ve got phallic objects, balls, and holes that you’re trying to get stuff into. It shouldn’t have surprised anyone that Tiger Woods was good at hitting holes away from the green as well. But despite the fact that “sexy golf” yields a ton of results on Google Image Search (this is a sport popular with middle aged white men after all), we’d never really seen the connection made that literally before. Until we found this gif.

Jesus, don’t you just want to sip on an Arnold Palmer and watch that for hours? No? Yeah, we don’t really want to either. But we did go ahead and hunt down the video that this came from. In recent years- probably due to combination of a global economic recession, amateur porn, and Internet piracy- the porn industry has become very, very confusing. We get that they’re just trying to make their product stand out in a glutted market but, c’mon, is anal mini-golf a real fetish or just weird for the sake of weird? And why is there so much of it?

Here’s the video that putt-to-the-butt gif came from.

Here’s more golf ball butt antics.

And don’t worry, golf balls fit into more than just buttholes.

That’s 3 golf porn videos and we aren’t even showing you the dozens of more typical ones of people just banging on golf courses! Wow, we were seriously so blown away by this discovery we didn’t even make a single “penalty stroke” joke in this post. Why don’t they make porn themed around other things middle aged white dudes like? CNN: A XXX Parody would probably be a goldmine.

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Shocking! the Trailer

In case you can’t wait a week and a half to get your French porn fix, here is a trailer for this month’s SMUT CITY, Shocking! The trailer is in French and refers to the movie by its French name, La Derniere Nuit, but don’t worry, SMUT CITY will be screening an English dubbed version and referring to the film by it’s much easier to pronounce English title because this is America and subtitled porn just ain’t patriotic!

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SMUT CITY presents: SHOCKING!

Get ready for some seventies smut like only the French could produce! SHOCKING! takes your standard Cold War “finger on the button” nuclear stand off, throws in a heaping silver spoonful of upper class debauchery, and somehow makes hardcore porn feel classier than a poodle in a top hat.
The American president and Soviet premier have gotten into a drunken argument over whose cinema is superior and finally set off World War III. As the bombs drop outside their door, an aristocratic dinner party tries to retain some semblance of dignity. Do they succeed? Not in the slightest! As tensions rise and old secrets are revealed, the dinner party devolves into an anything goes orgy with more cross dressing, candle fucking, and blowjob contests than you can shake a baguette at!
SHOCKING! (aka LA DERNIERE NUIT or THE LAST LUSTFUL NIGHT) is an extremely rare film that is all but impossible to find in America! This will most likely be your only chance to see it… EVER!

WHAT: SMUT CITY presents: SHOCKING!

WHEN: June 25th, 11:30PM

WHERE: The New Movement, 1819 Rosewood Ave

PS: 18+ and BYOB

Alternate title French DVD cover

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