Beyond The Wet Sneeze

In perhaps the most mind blowing column ever to be published in a college paper, this week’s F*Bomb in Print destroys the commonly held myths surrounding the limited nature of the male orgasm.  As much as we’d love to take the credit, all we really did was condense the advice Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams gave in The Multi-Orgasmic Man and remove the junk about “sexual kung-fu” and energy manipulation. Not that we don’t believe in that sort of stuff (We do. F*Bomb’s spiritual beliefs include a complex bureaucracy of incompetent deities, prank loving multi-dimensional beings, and an updated version of Wilhelm Reich‘s “orgone energy” theorem) but we just wouldn’t want to put a loaded gun in the hands of a UT student.  Because, as Amazon commenter Elvin Darrion warns, “It is one thing to unleash the stored in you sexual energy BUT if you don’t know precisely how to direct it through your body, you can easily end up with serious psychosomatic problems and damage your nervous system!” Yikes. Let’s stick to the multiple orgasms and leave the condensed chi-blasts to the experts guys. As always, click the photo to read the article.

Click on who you think is going to bone Andie MacDowell to read the article.

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Bend Over Backwards

Ever since researching those pseudo-SFW yoga videos, the F*Bomb office has been obsessed with physical fitness and human elasticity. All the hippie hype surrounding yoga turned out to be true, it really does make you feel a whole heck of a lot better, especially when you suffer from the carpal tunnel/back pain/elbow soreness associated with running a blog that encourages chronic masturbation. But no matter how sexual “downward facing dog” might sound, it’s far from being an ideal sex position. Which got us thinking, “What could a real yoga master do if they were so inclined?”

Thankfully, porn had the answer.

First off, it turns out the most generically named porn site in existence, Amateur18.tv, is secretly a fetish site devoted to limber girls with high libidos. Their bountiful Youporn offerings, with thankfully more creative titles, filled us in on what sexual possibilities awaited those willing to stretch their physical limits. [What F*Bomb has in perverse creativity, we lack in competent web skills, which is why we couldn't figure out how to embed Youporn videos. If anyone knows how to do this, please send us an e-mail at [email protected]. In the meantime, apologies for the crappy thumbs and links.]

Kamasutra sex with a boneless contortionist

In our first video, we find a limber young lass eager to lure her boyfriend away from what appears to be a fairly engaging game of free cell. Contrary to what the title implies, she appears to have bones

Flexible moves: splits, behind the back leg lifts, back bend fucking

sex with a flexi snake girl

Wow, this video is eerily reminiscent of the time we turned the F*Bomb office into a make-shift harem and smoked opium out of a hookah. Like the previous video, this girl is sadly not actually a snake person, nor does she understand how to wear a blue curtain. The dude on the other hand, does rock a pretty stylish t-shirt.

Flexible moves: standing leg raise, kneeling blowjob, splits blowjob, super spread eagle cunnilingus, back bend blowjob, bouncing on a boner splits

amateur gymnast loves flexi contortion sex

Finally, some truth in advertising. This girl very well could be an amateur gymnast. But then again, according to the video’s info, her name is Duljeta, which suggests that she might actually be a former professional gymnast who is no longer of any use to her country now that she has been crippled by the debilitating stiffness that accompanies puberty.

Flexible moves: kneeling back bend blowjob, double leg bend blowjob, bouncing on a boner splits, super spread eagle fucking

sex with a boneless girl

What the fuck? When KFC sells your boneless wings, that’s what you get. But when porn promises a boneless girl, you can still clearly see that she has a skeletal structure supporting her lithe frame. Total bullshit.

Flexible moves: bridge bend cunnilingus, standing splits 69, a 96 (holy shit! so rad!), standing face sitting splits, super spread eagle fucking, back leg lift fucking, extended leg doggy style

Of course, boneless, ex-Soviet, snake girls aren’t the only ones good at doing the splits. Famed actor/kickboxer/sex symbol Jean Claude Van Damme finds a way to spread ‘em in almost every movie he’s in.

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Trying To Fuck Lady Luck

As if Chatroulette didn’t have enough bored dudes in dorm rooms desperately looking for chicks already, this week’s F*Bomb in Print opens the floodgates and strongly encourages UT’s student body to start making better use of their webcams than Skyping with the friends they made while studying abroad. Though the site does have a disproportionate number of male users, the majority of males are pretty clueless so even if you are a dude, if you’re not a moron you can probably find a chick to Charoulette you to completion. And if you’re a chick or a gay guy, then we guarantee you’ll have NO PROBLEM! So stop looking at porno like a lonely chump and get in on the interactive activities of Porn 2.0. Click the pick to read the article.

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F*Bomb at Nerd Nite 22:NSFW

This Wednesday, F*Bomb will follow up the stomach churning, fast food erotica reading we performed at Bedpost Confessions (download Bedpost Confessions podcast 1 on iTunes if you missed it) with an informative Powerpoint presentation on erotic fan fiction for Nerd Nite. All the details are on the ad (see above) and the Nerd Nite’s Facebook page.

If the mere thought of seeing our grotesquely deformed face in person isn’t enough to get you out of the house, then maybe the promise of a fun and thorough lecture on the ins-and-outs (hey-o!) of writing erotic fan fiction can convince you. Because seriously, without F*Bomb’s knowledge and guidance, you’re never going to get that Sonic/Tails/Knuckles story the high rating it deserves on Literotica.  Maybe you could get a decent response on FurryTower, but everyone knows furryfiction readers are a bunch of barely literate middle schoolers you shouldn’t be wasting your time trying to impress.

Of course, how can F*Bomb lay claim to erotic fan fiction expertise without first demonstrating our mastery of the form? To show off our considerable skills, as well as generate excitement for our upcoming presentation, F*Bomb is now going to attempt the most difficult erotic fan fiction style known to the Net. Basically, it’s the triple lindy of writing sexy junk about characters you didn’t create. Yes, we’re talking about the “Christian Children’s Show Triple Crossover.” Read on if you dare.

Davey put two fingers to his lips and blew hard. Within seconds, he could hear Goliath, his faithful hound, bounding around the corner, racing across the lawn to see what his Master wanted.

“Hiya Davey,” Goliath said.

“Oh hi Goliath,” Davey replied, “How do you feel about Jesus today?”

“Oh, I think He’s the greatest. Him dying for our sins and all that, what a pal!” Goliath said.

Davey nodded, stroking the top of Goliath’s fuzzy head.

“I know Goliath, Jesus is the best. And I just learned this new way to pray that will show Him just how much we love Him,” Davey said.

Goliath’s hard, thick tail started wagging ferociously.

“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,” the dog cried out, “A new way to pray?!? How do we do it? Tell me Davey! Tell me!”

Davey gave the pup a pat on the head and nodded.

“Okay, Goliath, here’s what you do: Get down on your knees like you’re going to pray the normal way, then close your eyes, and open your mouth.”

“Like this?” Goliath asked, assuming the position Davey had just described.

“Perfect,” Davey said, “Jesus is going to love this. Now just keep your eyes closed…”

Inside, Davey’s mother Elaine was drying the last of the dishes. She heard a noise from the backyard, and stopped humming the hymn she was in the middle of. In the backyard, she could hear someone crying out “Oh Jesus, Oh my God, Yes, yes I love it! Yes, Oh my God!” Elaine smiled proudly, that boy of hers, what a good Christian he was. Praying so enthusiastically in the middle of the day like that. She just wished his father had the same enthusiasm when it came to… well.

John’s lack of passion had really been upsetting her lately. He said what she wanted him to do was wicked and un-Christian, but she felt like, as a married couple, whatever they did was alright in the Lord’s eyes. Well, if John wouldn’t give her what she wanted, Elaine had no problem doing it for herself.

Opening up the refrigerator, she looked around for something that might be suitable for her purposes. “Ahh, down in the vegetable crisper, those would work perfectly,” she thought to herself.

Elaine locked her bedroom door and laid down on the bed. She pulled her cotton dress up to her waist, and slid her panties down to the floor. Closing her eyes, she took the tomato in her hand and began rubbing its cold, smooth surface across her skin, grazing her pubic hairs lightly, before slowly settling it between her legs. Up and down she pulled it, pressing it ever so slightly into her warm and open vulva. Her other hand clasped her breasts, and she began to think about the sexiest man she could imagine.

He stood before her, hairy and wild with eyes as soft and kind as a lamb. Wearing nothing but a loincloth, He reached out to her and began caressing her breasts, tugging gently on her nipples. The holes in His hands trickled blood onto her breasts, but she didn’t mind. She reached up to run her fingers through His hair, and pricked herself on a crown of thorns. Pesky things, she always forgot they were there.

As her passion multiplied like loaves of bread and fish, she began grinding the tomato harder into herself. For a second, she thought she heard the tomato cry out, but then it burst so she assumed imagined it. Shaking the pulpy mess from her hand, she reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the cucumber. Again, she heard a sound that almost resembled sobbing and quiet whimpering, but she ignored it. The cucumber felt like it was shaking slightly, as if terrified of what was about to happen, but those light vibrations only increased Elaine’s excitement.

Wetting it between her legs, Elaine worked the cucumber until it was covered in her holy water, and then slid it back towards her rear door. With only the slightest pressure, it slid inside, suctioned in by her hungry, gaping asshole. Her fingers tried to grip the end as it receded inside her, but they were too wet with tomato pulp and love syrup. The cucumber was gone.

“Fiddlesticks,” Elaine thought, “How am I going to get that out of there?”

“Maybe I can help?” a voice cried out from the floor by her bed.

Elaine looked at the floor, her mouth hanging open in utter amazement. Standing barely 6 inches off the ground was a cartoon man. And not just any cartoon man, it was McGee, the strange drawing her oldest boy, Nicholas, had been obsessed with drawing ever since they’d moved to town.

“M’am, you need help retrieving that?” the drawing asked.

“Bu-bu-but, you’re my son’s drawing! You can’t be here. This doesn’t make sense. You’re not real!” Elaine said.

“Wait, let me get this straight,” McGee replied, “You think a carpenter from 2,000 years ago was God’s chosen son, who God killed to save humanity from His own wrath for being sinful because they had disobeyed Him when they lived in a magic garden and got tricked by an evil snake, but you don’t believe I’m real?”

“Good point,” Elaine replied, “Get up here and get in there!”

She plucked the tiny man off the floor and set him gently on the bed between her legs. Taking a deep breath, she spread her legs wide and angled her hips, giving McGee full access to her asshole.

“In we go!” McGee said, wriggling himself into Elaine’s ass in pursuit of the cucumber.

There was a brief moment of pain and discomfort, then Elaine relaxed into it. She felt so full with the cartoon and the cucumber inside of her. She lay back and tried to enjoy it. McGee’s squirming pushed the cucumber in deeper, she had never had anything this far up in her before. It felt incredible. She began thinking about Christ, hung on the cross, just like at church. She imagined herself going up to Him and pulling His loincloth to the side. Maybe He would protest, but what could He do? He was nailed to a cross. Elaine imagined herself taking His Holiness into her mouth as the anal sensation continued to please her in ways she had never imagined.

Suddenly, she felt something hot and wet between her legs. It wasn’t McGee, she could still feel him wrestling that vegetable out of her bowels. She was about to open her eyes and look, when suddenly whatever it was hit her clit. The combination of the hot, wet, rough mystery sensation on her clit, and her son’s cartoon character pulling a cucumber out of her asshole was too much to bear. She imagined herself kneeling before Him, taking Him all the way inside of her, begging for forgiveness. He spoke gently and said, “You are forgiven, my child.”

Elaine came so hard she felt McGee and the cucumber come flying out of her ass. The mystery sensation between her legs stopped, and she heard herself panting to catch her breath. Then she realized that she wasn’t panting. Dreading what she might see, Elaine opened her eyes and looked towards the end of the bed.

“GOLIATH!!!” she yelled!

THE END

(PS Don’t forget to come out on Wednesday night!)

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Hit Me Baby One More Time

Alright! It’s an F*Bomb in Print back-to-back double post. How exciting! This second installment let UT’s student body know that it’s okay to hit girls… if they ask for it. Not if they were “asking for it” mind you, but literally asked, using words and effective communication. Rough sex is a thorny issue in the sex community since what makes it so fun is that is goes against everything you’ve ever been taught about appropriate sex. So whether you like choking games or prefer your sex nice and tame, click the nice couple below to read all about it!

Click on whoever you think is having more fun!

And in case the point needed additional illustration, here’s porn’s bad boy James Deen being mean to the hired help.

Hot ROUGH sex and being mean to chicks brought to you by PornHub

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Coitus Interferus

After a long winter break spent fucking Polish ski bunnies in the Swiss alps, F*Bomb in Print is back! We’ll be dishing out advice, opinions, and information to sexually confused students all semester long in the pages of UWeekly, aka the campus paper that’s more fun than the Daily Texan and less rapey than Study Breaks.

Since the F*Bomb staff spent last week combing through our erotic fan fiction archive (preparing for the upcoming “Introduction to Erotic Fan Fiction For Aspiring Writers” lecture we’ll be giving at Nerd Nite next Wednesday) our brains were too beaten down by “Mork fucks the cast of 3rd Rock From The Sun” fan fiction to post our latest column. So sorry for the delay, and here it is now! Click the pouting couple to read all about what to do when sexual dysfunction happens to you.

Click on whoever you think ruined the fun!

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F*Bomb: A XXX Parody

They say that the truth is stranger than fiction, but no one ever warned us that the mainstream porn industry would be weirder, more unhinged, and downright disturbing then the folks trying to make weird ass porn on purpose. F*Bomb tries as hard as we can, day in and day out, to subvert normal reproductive desires and plumb the murky depths of the erotic world. And try as we might, we would never come up with something as unsexy and stupid as this. After watching this, we might as well throw in the towel.

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Do Blow Up Dolls Dream of Inflatable Sheep?

“Do Blow Up Dolls Dream of Inflatable Sheep?”

a

poem

by

F*BOMB

Do single men dream of solo women?

Do white supremacists dream of interracial action?

Do adolescent boys dream of mature milfs?

Do dirty old men dream of barely legal teens?

Do lonely bachelors dream of crowded gang bangs?

Do homophobic frat boys dream of lesbian girlfriends?

Do skinny geeks dream of big beautiful women?

Do men with tiny penises dream of huge hard cocks?

Do bored house wives dream of extremely helpful pool cleaners?

Do powerful men dream of stiletto heels and dominant women?

Do meek men dream of gagging blowjobs and humiliating dirty talk?

Do clothed females dream of naked men?

Do closeted husbands dream of chicks with excellent tits and big hard dicks?

Do anime fans dream of hentai tentacles?

Do intelligent women dream of well written erotica?

Do atheists dream of orgasmic women screaming “Oh my God?”

Do neglected dildos dream of slippery Fleshlights?

Do premature ejaculators dream of hardcore porn for hours on end?

Do pro-life activists dream of snuff porn tape loops?

Do animal rights activists dream of farm girls licking huge horse cocks?

Do radical feminists dream of rape-like assaults?

Do men injured as children dream of files hidden in folders that could destroy their careers?

Do black men dream of white women?

Do white men dream of powerful black men ravishing their white women?

Do rugged hairy gay men dream of beautifully plucked and trim twink teens?

Do Maxim subscribers dream of leaked celebrity sex tapes?

Do Republicans dream of the foulest, blackest, most abusive, degrading, shameful, retina searing, stomach churning, illegal porn ever produced?

You bet they do.

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Reach Out and Touch Someone

This is a post about phone sex. Apparently, people actually call the numbers next to the cheesy ads in the back of gentleman’s magazines and phone sex really is a (semi-)legitimate business, not just a scam like in Punch Drunk Love. F*Bomb tried to call phone sex once and the conversation went pretty much as follows:

Her: Hello. Thank you for calling Raunch Chat. My name is Trisha. What can I do for you today?

F*Bomb: Umm, hey Trisha. How’s it going.

Trisha: Oh it’s good. I’m just lying here in my underwear, waiting for a sexy fellow like you to call.

F*Bomb: Cool, that sounds pretty nice. Umm… I.. uh, what’s the weather like there… I guess?

Trisha: Oh it’s nice. Real sunny. Great day to get into a sexy conversation. Anything in particular you wanted to talk about?

F*Bomb: Yeah, I was wondering if… if like, you could pretend to be a gun and tell me to fire you?

Trisha: Wait, you want me to what?

F*Bomb: Just pretend to be a gun. Like, describe yourself if you were a gun, and then tell me how bad you want me to put bullets in you and fire you and stuff.

Trisha: Uhhh, sure. Okay. Yeah, I’m a big sexy gun…

F*Bomb: No. Not like that. Not a sexy gun. A regular gun. Be specific.

Trisha: Well, what kind of gun do you want me to be?

F*Bomb: What? Are you kidding me? Just tell me what kind of gun you are? Hurry up. You’re charging by the minute, right?

Trisha: I don’t know that much about guns! I’ll do it but you gotta help me. And yes, we charge 4.95 a minute.

F*Bomb: Wait, holy fuck, you charge 4.95 a minute?

Trisha: Well, there’s a 23.45 connection fee and then it’s 4.95 a minute for the first two hours. After that it goes down to 4.85 for as long as you want to talk.

F*Bomb: What?!?! Oh my God, fuck this.

*click*

And we haven’t called back since.

But then just the other day, we found this amazing photo series on phone sex taken by Phillip Toledano. Normally, Mr. Toledano takes rad sexy photos of people with heavy plastic surgery or dudes with bodies made up of guns.

Yeah, that’s hot. We like that shit.

Anyways, for the phone sex series, Mr. Toledano talked to women (and a dude) who do phone sex for a living about their job and then took pictures of them. The series is amazing and you should check it out by clicking here or checking out the book’s official website at http://phonesexthebook.com. A few of our favorite photos and lines from the project are selected below.

A caller shot himself with me on the phone.


Imagine a catholic school girl getting de-virginized by her history teacher. “Oh, oh, Mr. Johnson, it’s so big! You’re gonna hurt me!”


I speak to younger women. I speak to older women. I speak both spanish and english. I have been thrown offers left and right.


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Hot Yoga

It’s been over two weeks since New Year’s and unless we’re mistaken, all those resolutions to eat right and stay in shape have devolved into late night pizza parties and sloth like Netflix Instant viewing. It’s okay though, there’s no blame or shame here. Working out sucks. It takes time away from a busy day where you could be doing something far more awesome than hurting your muscles in a stinky room on an elaborate machine covered in a stranger’s sweat. Normally, the idea of getting hurt by an elaborate machine sounds like something we might like, but when it comes to exercise, it just doesn’t do it for us.

But then again, fucking is quite the cardiovascular work out as well. And without proper training and fitness, it’s all to easy to balloon up to the point where you’re huffing and puffing more than you’re blowing anyone’s house down. So how does one stay in fit, optimal-fucking shape without having to do anything as lame as work out or go to the gym?

Yoga.

Aside from the Shake Weight, yoga is the most sexual way to stay in shape in existence. Single guys who don’t mind the scent of patchouli have long prowled the yoga studios, eager to crouch behind a hot, sexy milf doing downward facing dog, her panty lines clearly visible through her thin spandex shorts. And why do you think so many young ladies hit up yoga, if not for the chance of boning a limber Trent lookalike, skilled in the art of tantric love making? And aside from the darkest corners of Craigslist, loitering outside the prenatal yoga class is the best chance of finding a third trimester babe who practices free love.

So put down that Ben & Jerry’s and start doing your sun salutations. You probably won’t ever master the art of auto-fellatio or auto-cunnilingus (wait, is that possible? Rad. Google says yes!) but yoga can help you stay fit, limber and sexy as all hell. Below F*Bomb rates and reviews the hottest yoga videos Youtube had to offer.

Erotic sexy yoga videos with Steamy Hot Yoga

Oooh yeah, this is sexy in that softcore Skinemax, “click on this if you haven’t figured out there is no nudity on Youtube yet” sort of way. As far as work out tips go, it doesn’t have much to offer. But if you like seeing the previously mentioned spandex-panty-line combo, then this video has got all the bikram babes you could ever need. We’re guessing the primary purpose of this video is for wives to show it to their penny pinching husbands to convince them to pay for their yoga classes.

Rating: Mountain Pose

Tantric Yoga for Lovers

This is how the birds and the bees is explained to kids who grow up on communes. This video doesn’t really teach you much about the crazy 9 hour tantric fuck marathons Sting is into, but it does give you an insider’s view into what making love is like for couples who say “yoni” instead of “pussy” and  Eskimo kiss each other while standing in line at the Co-op. If Peruvian flute music is your go to booty jam, than you probably like this video.

Rating: Raised Hands Pose

BIKINI YOGA WITH JESSICA

Nude Jessica Yoga has a couple of videos up on Youtube advertising her non-functioning nude yoga website. This video was highlighted as a related video on the “Naked Yoga- The Ultimate Experience” page, which ironically is the same video except without the sweet topless back shot at the beginning, the closest thing Nude Jessica gets to nudity. Still, this video is basically porn for balloon fetishists who own Pure Moods, Vol 1 on compact disc, which are two are things F*Bomb can definitely get behind!

Rating: Reverse Warrior Pose

Yoga For Gay

Apparently, Nude Jessica and gay men have extremely similar musical taste. Thus far, this is the only video that matches sexiness with yoga instructions that you could actually follow along to at home. But if someone is on Youtube searching for gay yoga, do they want a work out and do they want a work out? Because if the latter is the case, fuck this video and go straight to…

NAKEDPOWERYOGA.COM

Nice!!! It’s like Robinson Crusoe re-imagined with a hot gay Marine with a tight butt in the titular role. Then, just when you thing he’s all alone on the island, forced to do sexy sandy yoga with no one around to appreciate it, his fucking clone appears and they make out. If only Friday would show up and turn this island party into a gay interracial yoga threesome, we’d have a yoga video people could actually whack off to.

Rating: Downward Facing Dog

Morning Yoga in Bed

But wait, if a person was online and wanted to watch hot gay dudes make out or bikini babes bounce on balls, there are ten million other sites that offer just that in all its uncensored glory. If someone is going to masturbate to Youtube, they don’t want porn, they want the promise of porn that never delivers. It’s like when you grab a Sears catalog instead of a Barely Legal: You just want to give your imagination a little boost, not spoil the erotic mind magic. That’s why Tara Stiles is the hottest yoga video on Youtube. She’s a sexy babe, wearing a cute outfit that still shows less skin than an American Apparel ad, and she’s rolling around in a hotel bed talking about “working all the kinks out.” Who wouldn’t want to wrestle her lithe young body into submission, squirming about on top of that insanely comfy looking bed, order room service and then check out? Best of all, her channel has plenty more videos to keep the fantasy going and some of them even have fairly decent production values. The titular Tara Stiles Yoga looks so good you almost expect her to sell you Activia (expect for the fact that she is forty times hotter than Jamie Lee Curtis).

Rating: One-Legged King Pigeon Pose

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