“my darkest heterosexual secrets…”

When you’re a writer, good feedback is often hard to come by. Reading is a private, solitary thing and so even if tons of people are reading your stuff, very few of them are going to say anything to you about it. Even fewer will say something beyond, “Yeah, that was pretty good.” So here at F*Bomb, we sometimes feel like we’re writing in a vacuum. Sure, we get the occasional comment or kudos from a fan, but if we had to gauge how we were doing from our comment section alone, all we could tell you is that we’re extremely popular with incoherent spam bots.

That is until the other day, when our popularity with semi-coherent human beings went through the roof. Over at UWeeklyAustin.com, host of the online edition of our print column, someone was so moved by something we wrote, that they decided to comment. And by comment, we mean write a fucking novel. You can view it on the site here, on read the full transcript below.

I want to share my edging story with you. I met this girl out at a bar and we immediately hit it off. We went back to her place and had great sex. We would get together daily for great sex. She loved to give me blow jobs. I thought she kept inviting me back because she loved the sex, but it turned out she was playing me a like a fiddle. She started out by allowing me to restrain her and we would have great sex. One day, she said she would like to reverse rolls and I agreed. She tied my arms and legs to the bed posts and started to suck my cock. Then she told me, before we were done, I was going to reveal to her my darkest sexual secrets, but assured me that no harm would come to me. She told me she would do it just with her tongue. I was very doubtful and I told her there was no way I would and she just smiled and said “we’ll see.” She started to suck my cock just to the point of an orgasm and stopped. She revealed to me that all the blow jobs she was giving to me were to get her to understand when I was about have an orgasm. She took ice wrapped in a towel to get me soft again. She said she was first filling my balls with cum. She did this about a half a dozen times. She started sucking my cock and she would bring me to an edge of an orgasm would leave me there and then just lightly tongue and rim the head of my cock keeping me at the edge of the orgasm. It started out as pleasurable but within 20 minutes or so it was intense beyond belief. It was total ecstasy and sheer agony all at the same time. It got to the point where I was begging her to stop. This just seemed to energize her more. When you are on the edge of an orgasm, you brain does not allow reasoning. You can’t think of things to say. All you have is your memory and what is in the front of you memory is what she wants you to tell her. As she is asking the question, the actually answers to her question are the only thing in your mind. You can’t make anything up in your mind, you react to only memory She said, “tell me your dark sexual secrets and if you don’t, I will keep on doing this until you do, and trust me, you will”. She just kept doing this and I was begging her to stop and the more I begged her, the more intense were her actions which gave me an even more intense sensation. The intensity of sensation is beyond description and begging her to stopped, just energized her even more. To get her to stop, I found myself screaming out to her my darkest heterosexual secrets that no man would reveal. She smiled and said, “I want all the details now.” She just kept on going with her tongue and all I could do was to tell her what she wanted, hoping this would end and she would give me my orgasm. That’s not what happened. She said she that my dark sexual secrets were so bad, she was going to punish me. As intense as it was before, the intensity just increased. My legs were tensing up, hand were clutching and my body writhing while I was begging her to stop. Her tongue just kept working my cock. As pleasurable as it might be, it was sheer torture. I was constantly on the edge of an orgasm, but could never go over that edge. Eventually, I became physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. There was nothing I could do but lay there and passively take what they were giving to me. Heavy screams and begging were left to “please stop”. I was exhausted, my muscles were tired. This went on for 2 hours. All of a sudden she just started sucking my cock before long, I was the most intense and pleasurable orgasm of my life. I shot 8, 10, 12 blasts in her mouth and she swallowed it all. She just smiled and released me. She lay next to me rubbing my chest and belly, telling me how she really gets off doing this to guys. She did thank me for revealing my secrets to her and assured me they would remain secret. She told me she looks for confident, cocky, self-center guys. She told me she spends time with guys in bed talking to them and can instinctively determine if he has dark sexual secrets that he has told no one. I asked her how she could tell this and she told me it was just looking at the guy’s eyes. She said when she asked them about their sexual secrets, there is a slight hesitation that she could see in a guy’s eyes. I have been torn between wanting to experience this again and never being put into this situation again. I would like to hear from others about this. Thanks…Dave Michaelson [email protected]

Wow. Holy fucking… wow. First, what a story. Who is this amazing women he talks about? She lures dudes into blowjob traps, and then sucks their dicks so good they reveal their “darkest heterosexual secrets?” What a hobby! F*Bomb is officially in love with this person and would give anything to interview her. She must know so many dark heterosexual secrets! Also, that blowjob sounds nuts and we wanna try it.

But who is this mysterious Dave Michaelson, other than a lucky son of a bitch? The picture at the top of this post is what we believe he might look like, but that’s entirely speculation. We did do a little Googling on his e-mail address however and turned up this beauty, from the forums.catholic.com, on a thread entitled “My Fiancee is an Ex-Pornstar.“Click the photo to read the large and legible version.

Hahahahah, so good! You wife (sic) is a sinner, and she is totes going to hell unless she gives up all that dirty money, but if she does than Christ will for gives (sic) her. Sounds like your standard moral high horsing but then wh-wh-what? That last line? “Oh by the way, not that I’m trying to look at porn of your fiancee getting reamed or anything, but what was her stage name? I’m just curious.”

So ladies and gentleman, our hat goes off to Dave Michaelson: heterosexual secret haver, Catholic theologian, curious party, receiver of one of the most epic blowjobs of all time, and F*Bomb fan.

And while we’re saluting epic F*Bomb comments, here’s our favorite from a spam bot. We would totally party with this spam bot if it was a real person.

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That was from a spam bot trying to send our reader to this site: http://monex.to/. Go check out the site if you want, but please don’t give them your credit card information.

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Fuck Yer Face

Did anyone catch that the “girl” fucking cupid in the last post was actually a tranny? Sure was. We found that picture on the terrific tranny blog Trannies Fuck Guys, which came up when we ever so innocently Googled “cupid fucking.” We were only on the site for a second snagging the photo when suddenly we realized, “Whoa, these trannies are making some TERRIBLE faces.” The more we searched through the site’s archives, the more awful expressions we discovered. The collage above is just the tip of the tranny iceberg, we seriously could have made another 15 of those easily. But instead, we challenge YOU dear reader, to find the most egregious tranny grimace you can and e-mail it to [email protected]. We’ll post the top 3 and send custom erotic e-cards to the winners.

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Mediocre Match Maker

For this week’s F*Bomb in Print, we tried to talk to college students about the popular dating site OKCupid. Then we realized that college kids are too busy getting puked on at frat parties or felt up in the dorm while their roommate studies to use a website to find action. So we talked to two rad, later-20s Austinites instead who confirmed that yes, OKCupid is a website that can get you sex.

Then for this post, we were going to throw in a few tips on how to maximize your success on the site. But then we realized that would fuck up the site’s Darwinian ecosystem and the web is better off with the idiots not knowing how to look like non-idiots. So if you’re a dude, keep posting pictures that you took in the bathroom by yourself with your shirt off. Girls, please write more about how you generically like running, the outdoors, music, movies, breathing air, food, and The Beatles. It’s thrilling. As always, click pic, read column.

Click on whoever you think is the bigger fan of “movies” and “going out for food.”

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Masks and Ass in the Year 2013

If you took too much acid at Burning Man in 2003 or are a diehard fan of homosexual explosion master Roland Emmerich then this probably isn’t news to you, but the world is going to end next year. Yeah, 2012 is more than just Mayan mumbo jumbo, it’s proven fact. Grant Morrison even wrote about it in The Invisibles, which is basically the bible of things that are true (unlike the regular Bible, which is only 60% true). But it’s not going to go down like some dubstep sound tracked version of the Rapture where there’s a bright light and then everything is over. No, shit is just going to get really fucking hairy.

Everybody will bomb everybody else, neo-Nazi militias will take over the rural areas while ethnic gangs fight for the cities, and we’ll all be eating Twinkies and cans of Chef Boyardee until we can’t take it anymore. But then things will settle down and a Road Warrier/Waterworld/Boy and His Dog/6 String Samurai sort of society will develop, but hopefully with less rock-a-billy (6 String Samurai), corpse raping (A Boy and His Dog), and pee filtering (Waterworld). Everything from Road Warrior is cool and will most likely happen.

The only set back will be the lack of breathable air. But since the fallout has dropped fertility rates down to single digits, fucking constantly will be every member of society’s solemn duty. Combine those two factors and what do you get? Gas mask sex. Here’s a breakdown of the different factions you can expect to find in our new freaky filtered civilization.

Post-Apocalyptic Playa Barbies

Most ravers and Burning Man types will be rolling their asses off in the middle of cornfields or deserts when the bombs start falling, so a disproportionately large number of them are gonna survive the apocalypse. When Hostess Zebra Stripes expire (which takes around 12 years), they turn into a potent hallucinogen, which will replace MDMA in these circles. Since Burners already live in trailers in the middle of dust storms, half of these morons will be too zonked out to even realize, or care, that the world ended.

Giant Breasted Amazon Queens

As science fiction films from the 1950s definitively proved, radiation makes things bigger. This will include boobs. Some of the women who survive the blast will emerge with uranium enriched mammaries and rule as queens over the various tribes of Bible thumping Nazis and mutant Crips and Bloods. Why? Because violent idiots love fighting each other over big tits.

Anti-Male Lesbian Separatists

Since the apocalypse will obviously be mankind’s fault, the feministas will be quick to finger patriarchy as the reason everything went wrong. Medical technology is already a hair away from making men obsolete, so these radical womyn of the wasteland will waste no time dealing with the lesser sex. The Dildo Dolls are called that because their masks are equipped with prosthesis that they use to fuck each other and inject female semen, known as femen. The dildos also shoot lazers.

Homo Militias

By the end of 2011, the gays will have successfully repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and taken over the military. When shit hits the fan, the gays will have no reason to help reproduce and maintain straight society. They’ll use their sweet Eagle Scout survival skills to strike out on their own, occasionally raiding urban centers and raver camps in search of unopened boxes of poppers and rape-able straight ass. If this prediction sounds homphobic, it’s not. The gays will be the only segment of society to maintain a working currency system and bury their dead.

Children of the Sands

But think of the children! Don’t worry, the kids will still be alright. Just like in Thunderdome, they’ll form obnoxious little packs of brats and cut down on Mad Max’s cool factor. If you’re worried about your own child surviving the hell-pocalypse, than get out your PayPal and head here for all your nuclear protection needs.

Hetero Gas Mask Babes

Of course, there will still be normal women too. They’ll just be hotter, tougher, and more half-naked than the women of this era. And since everyone has to fuck all the time to reproduce, society as a whole will be much more egalitarian. As a matter of fact, things are actually going to be way cooler after the Big One. So we say fuck it, let’s enjoy unprocessed food and maskless sex while we still can, but look forward to a better tomorrow full of big-breasted hotties breathing filtered and marauding gangs of homos looking for some sweet, unmutated anus.

This video is mostly a boring handjob, but at the 2:40 mark, there is a rad gas mask point of view shot. That is what sex will look like every time you have it two years from now.

 

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Worst Tattoo Results

No, this tattoo didn’t win last night. In fact, it wasn’t even in the contest. We just found it online and felt rotten about leaving it out of the last post so, ummm… here it is. Enjoy. Now on to the awards.

By all the metrics used to rate terrible tattoo competitions, last night was a rousing success. Drunk dudes got ejected from the bar, deadbeat tattoo artists failed to show up even after they registered (we love you Animal!), some hot drunk chick showed everyone the double dildo holding monkey on her back, and for one brief glorious moment, there was a tattooed image of a dick and an actual human dick sharing the stage. Also… juggalos.

But this isn’t the Academy Awards, or their sexier younger sister the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards, and so there’s no point in delaying the glorious announcements we have in hand. Votes were cast, awards were awarded, and mistakes were both made and honored. Below you’ll find the official winners of each category, plus our favorites that somehow didn’t make the cut.

WINNER: WORST TATTOO IN AUSTIN/HEAVILY REGRETTED

Until Study Breaks starts giving out awards for Best Date Rape, the Worst Tattoo in Austin Contest is going to be the only show in town bestowing honor on to things that happened to girls when they were blacked out. Kathleen Boyle and her “Chili Cook Off 09″ first met the morning after, when a confused Kathleen couldn’t figure out why the Sharpie on her arm wouldn’t come off. Stupid, inexplicable, hilarious, and dare we say, poignant, this is officially the Worst Tattoo in Austin. You might say you and your friends have a worse one, but guess what, you didn’t show up, Chili Cook Off 09 did, so suck it haters. Kathleen Boyle is available for bar mitzvahs, interventions, and East 6th bar openings.

WINNER: WEIRDEST TATTOO

This poor soul worked at Austin Pizza. Then, if that wasn’t already bad enough, his coworkers pitched in on this tattoo, guaranteeing him a lifetime of strangers mistakenly paraphrasing Anchorman immediately before ejaculating onto his back. Always classy indeed sir.

WINNER: POORLY DONE

The dude with this shitty “pyrate bort” mess had a much more professionally done tattoo of the Hatchman of Psychopathic Records fame that won him Runner Up in the Heavily Regretted division. The only reason we allowed a lowlife dirtbag like that to compete was A) he swore he would use any prize tattooing he won to cover up the ICP bullshit on his ankle and B) our homie Johnny at Red 7 personally did the finishing touches on this pyrate (a)bort(ion). Can’t wait to see what garbage got drawn over the Hatchetman at next year’s contest.

WINNER: CAREER ENDING/WILLING TO COME ON STAGE

So, big surprise here, none of the shitbirds who entered our “Career Ending” category hung around long enough to compete, even though their round was first. A desperate call to the audience produced this dude, who came up to show off some weird conceptual “anti-straight edge” tattoo. First off, an anti-straight edge tattoo is a goddamn mean looking alien standing in front of a weed leaf, not a bunch of stupid circles on your thumbs. Fortunately, a hot tip from the crowd informed us that this guy was holding out: He had a fucking John Candy portrait tattoo on his ass! Ultimate win. Good job random dude from the crowd. Fuck you other career enders (grrr…. Animal!)

HONORABLE MENTION: RAD/WE ALL SAW YOUR DICK

If the projector had worked well enough to show this thing off like it deserved, its owner would be swimming in prizes right now. Not only is this thing fucking AWESOME, its owner also dropped full trou’  and fulfilled F*Bomb’s dream of seeing live dick and mutant ejaculating dog dick tattoo side by side on stage. Oh wait, correction, the mutant barf dog is ejaculating blood. That was made clear on stage. Side note, this dude and F*Bomb crossed paths two years ago when we were both hella wasted in the ER during SXSW at 3AM. For some reason, the bored doctor let the drunk person with this tattoo put in three of the staples he (the doctor) was using to close the Wolverine style gashes in my shin. SXSW is crazy. This tattoo is crazier.

HONORABLE MENTION: TECHNICALLY WORST

That’s a real tattoo. It looks like Sharpie, but it isn’t. Several people confirmed it. All we can speculate is heart break, alcohol, and a homemade tattoo gun. What’s with those eyes? Seriously awful stuff.

HONORABLE MENTION: JEW-NICORN/I’M TOO DRUNK TO WIN SWEET PRIZES

This dude stumbled to the stage to show off some Borg/Tron looking robot thing for Poorly Done that was actually supposed to be a maze golem. But by the time we got to Weirdest, this guy must have imbibed a smidge too much manischewitz because he was nowhere to be found. It’s a real shame, since this Semetic travesty has got more hilarious Judaism than a Friar’s Club roast. Let’s see, we got a yarmulke on the horn, “Oy Vey” on the belly, a bone Menorah coming out the bottom, some peyot in the hair (Jew curls dummy), a pierced nipple (is that a Jew thing?), and then Stars of David and dollar signs in the filler. What the fuck dude? Why weren’t you there to explain this hot Jewish mess? Oy vey indeed.

[PS Huge thank yous go out to Chris Trew and The New Movement, Lance and A.V. Club Austin, Johnny and Red 7, Austin Tattoo Co., Bijou Studios, Shaman Modification, Sailor's Grave, Triple Crown, Bite Mi, Buffalo Exchange, Iggi's Texatarian, Blue Starlite Urban Drive-In, I Luv Video, Vulcan Video, Bike Problems, The Mole People, The Jungle Rockers, Smoke and Feathers and everyone who was kind enough to show off their tattoos on stage. We'll be back next year with the bigger, badder, better organized Worst Tattoo II: Electric Boogaloo]

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Most Excellent Genital Tattoos in Austin Contest

What could be kinkier than having a gloved stranger repeatedly penetrate your skin with a needle in order to permanently mark your body? Nothing. That’s why the pioneers of tattoo culture were all hookers, homos, and seaman. And so in order to honor their legacy, F*Bomb is throwing the first annual Worst Tattoo in Austin Contest. You can read all about the who, what, when, wheres on the Facebook event (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=184985431542288) including instructions on how to compete if you’re sporting some truly awful, or wonderfully epic, ink. But right now, on this blog, we’re going to focus on the “why.”

Aside from the obvious erotic element mentioned above, tattoo culture is full of sexy, hilarious, and terrible images dedicated to the only things that get F*Bomb out of bed in the morning: namely, some combination of peni, vaginae, and buttocks. We love those things, and we love anyone who would get a picture of them tattooed on their body. Originally, we approached Red 7 with the idea of doing a Most Excellent Genital Tattoos in Austin Contest, but they said no. They thought that might get too weird. We shopped around until we realized Headhunters was the only venue willing to put it on, said, “Uhhhh no thanks,” and went back to Red 7 with the compromise of doing a Worst Tattoo in Austin Contest. And we’re still hoping that a bunch of people show up with genital ink, which Red 7 said will be okay to show on stage.

The event is Thursday, and everyone who reads this filthy smut-hole should come check it out, whether on not you love genital tattoos because there will also be bands and alcohol. But in the meantime, let’s just go ahead and wet our whistles on some of the best tattoo smut the net has to offer.

Tattoos OF Dicks

Love the pubic hair but a tad too wrinkly.

We once found a Craigslist ad in the adult gigs section where a dude was explaining how he’d had prostate surgery, and one of the effects was that a little blood was getting into his pipes and he was cumming red. He wanted to know if anyone wanted to come watch this happen. Maybe that’s the same thing happening to this sad little fellow.

There’s a debate in the tattoo community about whether swastikas are an ancient Buddhist symbol of peace or irredeemable Nazi bullshit. This guy does not care. He just wanted a cock-stika on his tum-tum.

Tattoos ON Dicks

Oh, an elephant with a dick for a trunk? Yeah, that wouldn’t even take a 2nd grader very long to come up with. Real clever. The only way this could be cool is if you made it do the dance to “Skinnamarink.

Question: If you were blowing this guy, would you make eye contact with the devil?

All the points this dude gets for this being funny are immediately negated by the fact that he turned his dick into a punchline and has a Disney character tattooed on his skin.

Holy shit, it’s a bifurcated cock slug! This would be the most epic dick tattoo of all time except that he has permanent briefs courtesy of Pacific Sun surrounding it. On the plus side, having your urethra splaid out like that probably rules. Do you think he warns people before he pulls it out or lets them be a surprise?

In high school, a little kid asked a friend why he was smoking. He replied, “Cuz it’s cool and makes me look like a dragon,” and then blew a cloud of cancerous smoke in the little busy body’s face. Anyone tries to question this guy’s most excellent decision, we hope they get a face full of dragon jizz and a similar retort.

Tattoos OF Vaginas

The piercings on the underside of the arm are way grosser and stupid than the cunt tattooed there.

This artist must do a lot of portrait tattoos. Look at the quality of work and attention to detail on that. The shading is immaculate. Whose vagina you think he used as a reference? Probably the dude’s cool aunt, right?

This is what pussy looks like to gay dudes.

This is what anime fans think pussy looks like.

Tattoos ON Vaginas

There’s a lot of “devil face on vagina” tattoos out there, but this one has a dildo in it. It wins.

The only way a tattoo could make you more scared of getting a girl pregnant is if a chick had a fetal baby counting stacks of money, staring at you with a speech balloon that says, “What up daddy?”

This is the most well done GWAR tattoo we’ve ever seen. Sigh, you didn’t get that joke? Click here.

Something something don’t stick your finger in the socket something.

This looks like that dude who gave your mom tennis lessons in the 1970s. Even without the tattoo, this chick would still have an excellent greying bush. How does a man whose face is half vagina look so wise? Fuckin’ epic.

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Power Hour Shower

After that last post, we got a lot of fan mail asking us to do more stuff about squirting. But it was the weekend and we didn’t feel like it. We just wanted to drink and cut loose, not spend our time scouring the net for more wet women videos. But then it hit us, why not do both? So we did, and it was awesome, and now F*Bomb would like to share out secret with you loyal readers and assorted spam bots. Here it is, the ultimate F*Bomb drinking game.

Rules are simple. It’s just like that classic dorm death flirtation the power hour, but instead of drinking a shot of beer every 60 seconds, you watch this video and drink whenever someone is squirting. You can play it with beer, but we recommend a clear liquid like vodka or Everclear to match the normal squirts, and then something like Bailey’s or Malibu-and-yogurt to shoot whenever something way too creamy happens on screen.  Don’t forget to honk when you roll your comatose friend out of the car in front of the emergency room.

Longest best squirts ever brought to you by PornHub

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Girly Gushers

You better lay down a towel because this week’s F*Bomb in Print is about one slippery subject: squirting. Yup, we explained the basics of gushing girl-gasms for the UT student body and hopefully set the eager beavers off on the path to the great orgasmic ocean. If you notice pools of fluid accumulating underneath dorm doorways, we’ll take credit for that. Click the pic to get wet.

Click whoever you think is getting wetter to read the column.

And, because this is a porn blog and squirting is epic, here are a bunch of videos of sexy French femme Astrée experiencing “la mort peu humide.” Skip ahead to the marked times if you only want to see the water works and don’t care to sit through insanely hot French porn.

3:25

7:02

7:07

Big ups to John B. Root’s Explicite-Art for the super soakin sexy videos.

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Happy VD

Happy Valentine’s Day from F*Bomb

Photos by Devaki Knowles: http://funlovingphotos.net/

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Mighty Hermaphroditey

The 21st century is a weird, radical place. Social theorists and medical technologists are hard at work redesigning gender into something that is both arbitrary and interchangeable. Thailand’s tourism industry is now based not only on MDMA fueled moonlit beach parties, but also the world’s premier gender reassignment surgeons. In this brave new world, it’s not just “he says, she says” but rather “he says, she says, ze says, and zort blurbles”- blurbling being the pheromone based communication signals that zort-gendered individuals release from their ovacular flaps. With transgendered individuals deciding to camp in the newly reclaimed no (wo)man’s land in the middle, our binary boxes are being rendered obsolete before we can even agree on new categorical divisions.

This is all fantastic news. F*Bomb firmly believes that the technological progress Thailand’s dick scalpeling surgeons are making will one day lead to a whole new era of just-for-funsies sexual surgeries like bonus clits and penile trifercation. We can’t wait. But in the meantime, we understand that there is a lot of confusion about what exactly is going on downstairs in between hard cocks and clearly defined cunts. Well, let’s take a look.

Clitdicks and Penorises

You may not know this, but all fetuses start off as females. It’s only later in the gestation process that gender differentiation begins and that lil itty bitty baby clit grows into a slightly less itt bitty baby dick. But sometimes, the clit doesn’t make up its mind right away, tries out the dick thing, decides against it, and then ends up as a sweet mega monster clit. And then other times, a clit’s owner decides later in life that she really wants to take a lot of testosterone and work out all the time, and that gives her a monster clit to. Either way, these giant, uncircumcised “little men in the boats” clearly demonstrate that guys and girls aren’t so very different after all.

This not so little guy belongs to pro-wrestler Chyna

This baby’s got some girth.

And this just defies most people’s understanding of human anatomy. Obviously, a photo found on the Internet doesn’t meet the academic burden of proof, but it’s still wild and segues us nicely into our next category…

Best of Both Worlds

The F*Bomb staff are in no way sexual oddity newbies, but we have no idea what the fuck is going on in this video. Our investigations into documented medical hermaphroditism have turned up no mention of perfectly formed dicks and pussies coexisting, especially not on such otherwise normal porn star looking “ladies.” Then again, our other investigations into prosthetics in porn have yielded nothing but fake looking, rubbery giant cocks that ejaculate heavy whipping cream and have to be held at the base. Both these gals, if that’s how they are identifying, are rocking some fake cocken that seems intensely sturdy for being held on with spirit gum. This one just blows our minds and makes us real sad that we will never get a chance to fuck a pussy with our dick while being fucked in our pussy by a dick. Sad.

Giant Dick Dick-Girls

George Orwell’s vision of the future was a boot stamping on the human face- forever. F*Bomb’s is mega hot, huge cocked, auto-fellating dick-girls stroking their massive meat poles and blasting each other with geysers of creamy white liquid- forever. It’s like some genius looked over at a porn site’s banner ads, saw one for hot girls, and another promising to “give you an enormous erection in just 7 days” and thought, “Damn, why don’t I just combine those and become insanely wealthy?” Those dicks might be fake now, but mark our words, once cloning becomes the primary method of procreation, these hyper-gendered, dick swinging, super babes will take over the world and create a Utopian society where you never have to worry about what to do when you pour a bowl of cereal and then realize you’re out of milk.

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