F*Bomb 2.0

Dear Loyal Readers,

F*Bomb’s website was created a little less than a year ago in about 2 hours of web page constructions, 1 and a half hours of which were spent browsing competitive nude female wrestling. Since then, we’ve grown both as a site and as a multi-armed sexually deviant entity, all while retaining the glossy online sex appeal of a 2002 Buffy the Vampire fanpage hosted on Angelfire. That’s about to change.

Next week, F*Bomb’s writing staff is going to be off on a team-building retreat at Nevada’s infamous Bunny Ranch while a bunch of nerds who should actually be the ones paying for sex remake this site into the glorious gloryhole of the Internet that it should be. When we return, we’ll be sleeker, sexier, and more Like-able on Facebook than ever before, so go ahead and unfriend all your mom’s friends before that happens. We’re also in the process of expanding our staff and opening up a branch in Denver, so the content will not only look better, it will represent Colorado’s laid back libertarian outdoorsy attitude as well.

Please remain faithful to us in our brief absence. Do not stray towards any other aimless online filth holes while our back is turned. We will return shortly.

 

Sincerely,

F*Bomb

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Reading is Sexy

For this week’s F*Bomb in Print, we steered away from the time honored sex column topics of porn and masturbation and instead opted to do the unthinkable: assign our readers homework. Sex columns present an interesting reader/writer dynamic. We’re revealing personal information and providing insights into one of the reader’s most personal activities (sex), and yet we receive so little feedback. Though we’d like to imagine that there are thousands of loyal fans at UT, eagerly awaiting each new copy of UWeekly just so they can see what F*Bomb said this week, we truly have no idea how the students are responding. But we solider on in our duties nonetheless, and hopefully in some cluttered dorm room on campus, young, innocent 20 year olds are have better sex because of our efforts.

Taking that principle as our guiding light for the final spring semester column, we assigned a reading list of books that could keep all the F*Bomb fans and intrepid sexual explorers occupied and educated while they’re back home visiting the family in Dog Shit, TX or wherever for the summer. To check the reading list and read the column, click the photo below.

Click on whoever you think is going to earn a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut to read the column.

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Melt Your Eyes To Save Your Mind

The Internet is pretty much what you would get if Jung’s “collective unconscious” and a pre-Giuliani Times Square had a baby, and then that baby oversaw a flea market where all the vendors were ex-con hoarders and Chinese media pirates. It’s a strange, surreal, seedy place and no matter how low you might go into its hot, steamy depths, there is always more filth and scum to explore.

F*Bomb’s been murking around in this mess for a little under a year and we feel like we’ve seen some pretty strange stuff, stuff that we can’t un-see no matter how many times we deep bleach our eyeballs. And then, just when we’re starting to feel like we’re making real exploratory progress, something comes along and reminds us that the Internet is an iceberg and we haven’t even seen what’s under the water yet. And maybe we don’t want to.

Thankfully, there are pros out there who have dug deeper into the bowels of recorded humanity than anyone else is willing to. They sort through the feces and debris and come back with the tiny flecks of gold that make all this mess matter. Websites, blogs, and tape compilers like Everything is Terrible, Found Footage Film Festival, and TV Carnage have scoured thrift stores and yard sales looking for the craziest stuff they can find, and as crazy as their stuff might be, we don’t know if we’ve seen anything that tops Crazy Dave Tape’s Sexual Porno DVD Tape Work Out. Check out the moderately SFW Youtube version here.

And then hold on to something solid, take a big gulp of nitrous oxide, and watch the 30 minute preview right here: http://www.tube8.com/hardcore/sexual-porno-dvd-tape-workout/847691/

This is seriously the greatest thing we’ve ever seen. Unlike regular nerd hobbies, like collecting records or non-porn films, pornography is an extra tricky pastime because people don’t pass on their collections. When some cranky old collector of something normal dies, his wife or kids will donate all his sweet obscure Jimi Hendrix LPs to Goodwill without realizing they were worth a fortune on EBay. Sooner than later, someone who does know their value will spot them, scoop them up, and keep them in circulation. But with porn, people don’t donate that to Goodwill, so big box VHS porn rarities go extinct quick because they end up in the garbage so much more often than in a well kept collection. At the same time, the modern porn world doesn’t care about its history and so almost zero porn stores around these days have used or rare sections for old videos. So, taking that into account, it’s extremely impressive that Crazy Dave Tape (what an awful name by the way) managed to find enough psychotronic sex gems to boil them down into a clip show this crazy, this completely bat-fucked, that we found ourselves ordering a full length copy of the DVD and another 24 pack of whipped cream chargers before we even finished writing this blog.

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How Many Gays Does God Have To Create To Get His Dick Sucked?

Normally, we hear at F*Bomb are pretty apolitical. We only “vote” so we can masturbate in a tiny private booth and collect a little sticker, and we only really vote when some sort of former child star or porn actress is running for office. But on the other hand, we vehemently support gay rights and the government backing of gay indoctrination for children. We see forced suggested homosexuality as the clearest path to a sustainable population and also think gay couples are just tops, just fucking tops all around. So that’s why we were so stoked when Minnesota Representative Steve Simon laid out the argument against the anti-gay argument with such clarity and politeness. Damn, Minnesotan politics is like the nicest people having the most civil conversations in the most rational way. Well, they did elect Jesse “The Body” Ventura but that guy proved to be a pretty rad governor and he gave it a good go against the Predator too, so I guess he’s not even much of an outlier. Anyways, here’s the video.


Also, check out the dude at the 1:48 mark. How many more cross-eyed congressmen does God have to create before people will hold their applause? But seriously, this video is rad, Steve Simon makes a good point, and then answer to his question is 7. God needs to create 7 gay guys to prove he wants them around. These 7 gay guys.

 

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F*Bomb’s Guide to Picking Out Porn

Well, no, not really. When F*Bomb does do a legit guide to picking out porn, it will be a 500 page tome that comes bound in human foreskin. But for now, we just did a tiny little brief primer for F*Bomb in Print, mainly to shamelessly cross promote our new and exciting XXX screening series, SMUT CITY, as well as wrap up our multi-part series PORN. in the U.S.A. But this does mean that our porn series is officially over, and now we can get back to writing about the stuff that really matters, like…. like… okay, we’re probably still going to mostly write about porn. Anyways, here’s the article. Click the photo to check it out.

Click on whoever you think you’re more likely to run into in an actual porn store.

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SMUT CITY presents CAFE FLESH

In his amazing essay, Bog Venus VS. Nazi Cock Ring, written for the late great Arthur magazine, genius/wizard/comic book writer Alan Moore carefully explains the difference between erotica and pornography. Erotica is art and like most of the art that humanity considers worthwhile, it tries to connect its viewer with a larger shared human experience. The essence of art is that moment when you watch a movie, or read a book, or look at a painting, and the light flicks on in your head that makes you say, “Oh my God, I’ve felt that way too. I didn’t know anyone else thought like that.” That illuminating connection brings the audience closer together and is a profoundly positive thing. Truly great erotica contains that spark and makes you feel okay about being a human animal with peculiar sexual appetites.

Pornography is the opposite. It’s all flash and pounding flesh but without any of the soul found in erotica. The pornographic experience is almost always one of shame and isolation. Thanks to the Internet and adult video stores, pornography can be obtained and consumed with extremely minimal human interaction. The lonely loser can search for his particular fetish, feast his eyes upon the images, and then feel shame and disconnection after he is finished. There is no story, no plot, no art, no spark that connects with the user and makes them feel human. Aside from the living rooms of certain frat houses, porn use and preference is rarely discussed socially. Unlike art or movies, which are often a primary topic of conversation, it’s rare that even sexually enlightened individuals (or those that regard themselves as such) will sit around and say, “You know, I really enjoy the website submityourflicks.com. I find its tube format and amateur content to be very arousing. What porn have you been masturbating to lately?”

Part of this blame can be laid on the porn industry, but the majority really rests on our own appetites. We want to see money shots, close up penetration, and hard fucking, and we want to see it NOW! Watching an erotic scene with a plot that toys with your expectations and slowly builds up to the sex is frustrating, often maddening, but it’s worth it. That frustration is one of the most erotic things around. But the average consumer prefers their products, and porn, to be cheap, quick, and dirty so the art of titillation is quickly vanishing.

Similarly, without being able to openly discuss why we like certain porn or how it makes us feel, we lose our powers of critique and our taste becomes less discerning. The fact that most porn is consumed alone contributes greatly to its decline in quality. Imagine if all alcohol was consumed in private with the only goal being getting drunk as quickly as possible. No one went to bars or shared beers on their back porch, they just crept downstairs when their family was asleep and did shots until they were drunk. Would we be mixing cocktails and debating our favorite brands of vodka? No. We would be buying cheap swill from the convenience store in the middle of the night, desperately trying to avoid eye contact with the clerk.

Enter SMUT CITY. F*Bomb believes that pornography (plotless fucking films) is problematic and that erotica (movies with sex and a story) needs to be rescued before it becomes a truly lost art. We believe that while sometimes it’s nice to watch porn all by your lonesome and do the deed, it’s also important to watch sexually explicit films in a public setting and have a dialogue with your peers about quality, aesthetic, taste, and meaning. We think that if it’s socially acceptable to sit in a theater and watch horny twenty-somethings get tortured and killed by some masked maniac, than it should be okay to sit in a theater and watch a film where they show peni and vaginae in all their uncensored glory. If hiding booze and drinking alone are signs of alcoholism, than we say that millions of people hiding porn and masturbating in the middle of the night to things they would never discuss with another living soul are signs of a sexually dysfunctional society. That’s why we’re asking you to put down the cheap malt liquor and join us at the bar for a classy cocktail. That’s why we’re inviting you to SMUT CITY.

For our debut film, we will be showing the Rinse Dream classic CAFE FLESH. For the uninitiated, CAFE FLESH is a one of a kind cinematic experience, a film that features pornographic sex in scenes too artfully twisted and surreal to be very erotic to anyone not suffering frontal lobe damage. That’s not to say the sex is gross or repulsive, it’s just out there to an extent that makes it clear that the filmmakers primary concern wasn’t creating masturbation material. The plot is perfectly suited to SMUT CITY‘s mission statement. After the bomb has dropped, the surviving mutants and low lifes are left to eke out a meager existence in the ruins of civilization. 99.9% of the population are Sex Negatives, sexual cripples who become physically ill at the slightest erotic touch. Unable to quench their unchecked libidos, these perma-voyeurs gather in cabarets like CAFE FLESH each night to watch the few remaining Sex Positives perform for their pleasure.

Here are two screen shots from the film, just to wet your appetite and give you some idea of what to expect.

This is CAFE FLESH’s interpretation of domestic bliss.

And here is what they think it’s like to take a memo.

CAFE FLESH is not a film to be missed. Come see it tonight at SMUT CITY and be an erotica embracing sex positive rather than a lonely, shameful sex negative. Admission is $5 and the New Movement theater is BYOB!

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Porn Positions

In case you weren’t already aware, porn and sex aren’t the same thing. Just like how real life cops don’t actually catch air while driving at high speeds through San Francisco on a regular basis, real life sex doesn’t support a lot of the crazy positions you find in porn. Sex is about doing what feels good while porn is about showing what looks good.

Now, a lot of people like to blame porn for this problem and say that external ejaculations and high heels and awkward dick bouncing calf killing positions aren’t sexy and porn shouldn’t present them as such. But that’s stupid. That’s like telling CSI: Orlando or whatever that real forensic techniques involve a lot of patience and waiting for computers to analyze data and so they shouldn’t always be swabbing semen and finding matches so quickly. Porn is porn and sex is sex and they should each be judged on their own merits.

In recent years, an entire cottage industry, lead primarily by Cosmo, has sprung up to advise that nation’s fornicators on all the new sex positions they’ve supposedly discovered. And while new fangled positions like “reverse missionary” or “the Crane kick” are all well and good, the pornography industry has been pioneering gravity (and pleasure) defying positions for years with little to no acclaim. Why should Cosmo be getting all the credit when pornography has been the one inventing amazing, difficult positions like the…

“awkward forward facing sofa straddle?”

or the “half somersault downward facing dicking?”

or the classic “seven guy gay sex centipede?” That’s on a boat people. That’s not easy to do.

Sasha Grey has compared porn stars to athletes and she’s absolutely right. No way can you bob on a dick in high heels for a half hour under hot lights without some pedi-cabber style calf muscles (unrelated question: Does this mean pedi-cabbers are good at bouncing on dicks in high heels?). But making good, experimental position porn takes more than just limber teens and awkward angles, you need a director with an eye for detail. So below, we proudly present some of the best choreographed porn we’ve ever seen. Not only are these positions bizarre and useless, these girls have been arranged in the tightest formations we’ve seen since the Beijing opening ceremony. If there were a Porn Olympics (a real one, not just a gang bang disguised as a decathlon), these girls would be the equivalent of the ’92 Dream Team.

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Playboy Bunny Disease

According to the L.A. Time’s blog, attendees at a DomainFest fundraiser at the Playboy Mansion got Legionnaires’ disease from a dirty whirlpool tub in the mansion’s infamous fake cave hot tub sex grotto, known as the Grotto. While people getting sick really isn’t that funny, Internet movers and shakers getting sick at an event called DomainFest because they swam in dirty, hot cave water where lots of Bunnies have probably peed deserves a good chuckle. Though most of the article is a fairly sober report about bacterial disease and how they traced the spread with social media, this quote stands out as a mildly hilarious high point:

“A key clue was that 69 people got sick on the same day.”

Haha, 69. 69 people got sick because they sat in a disease ridden hot tub at the Playboy Mansion.

Also, according to the article, the disease is named after the first reported episode which occurred at an American Legion in Philadelphia, and does not have anything to do with the awesome 1998 Jean-Claude Van Damme film, Legionnaire.

Read the full article here.

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D is for D&D Babes

D&D Babes come in two nerd-alicious varieties. The first is simply babes who play D&D. D&D (or Dungeons and Dragons) is an awesome game and deserves way more respect than it gets. Morons who sit around in their boxers by themselves all day playing Halo 2 like to laugh at D&D aficionados and call them losers and nerds, but that’s ironic because in order to play D&D, you NEED friends. It’s a social game and requires imagination unlike Halo 2 or any of those other games where you wear a headset and get called a fag by 11 year olds in Nebraska. Contrary to popular belief, chicks play D&D too (because they have imaginations and good dice rolling skills) and some of them are even hot.

The Escapist has a web series called “I Hit It With My Ax” that, despite featuring hot alt-porn babes like Mandy Morbid, is super boring.

You’d think watching this girl play D&D would be interesting, but it isn’t. At all. The main problem is, you’re just watching a hand held camera film some friends hanging out. Yes, they are hot ladies, but they’re also fully clothed and just kind of… hanging out. They’re also chatting so much about dumb stuff you can’t even really follow what’s going on in the game.

A better web series would have a bunch of rad, serious D&D players getting down in some dungeons, fucking up some orgres and what not, and then they’d use the audio from their game to create dramatic re-enactments with porn stars playing the dark-elf barbarians and super hot fem-mages. This is a dark elf by the way.

Boom!

But okay, you’re probably wondering what the other type of D&D babe is, the type that makes them qualify as porn. Well, sometimes dudes that really like fantasy and D&D are also really awesome artists. And sometimes those dudes (or ladies) draw awesome pictures of their ideal, battle axe wielding, +2 perkiness tit having, take-no-shit lyger riding fantasy babes. Those are D&D babes. These are D&D babes!

Nice.

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Put It On A Pizza

There’s really not much we need to say about the following video other than it’s extremely fucking awesome and you should watch it right now. We’ve been hip to the practice of “pizza dares” for a while, but it wasn’t until we discovered this video montage that the importance of this meme really hit home. Pizza dares combine the three greatest things in the universe: female nudity, pranks, and pizza. Though they might seem like unusual, even disparate, elements, the three come together with miraculous synergy, much like how cheese, tomato sauce, and bread power up to make pizza so dick-kicking good.

Also, why we’re on the subject of awesome sexy videos about pizza, let’s watch these great T.C. Landos commercials! What would T.C. Lando do if he got pizza dared? We’re not really sure but something tells us he’d have noooooooooooooo problem!

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