Just like Nicolas Cage in 8MM, F*Bomb in Print continues to plumb the depths of pornography’s depravity, sacrificing our sanity to get to the bottom of this seedy world of ruin. But instead of looking for snuff (which is soooooooo nineties), we’re mainly just talking to professors and pornographers about what they think. This week, we veered away from the pros and talked to a couple of ordinary ladies who just happen to enjoy watching people fuck on film. Big thanks to Juli and Sarah Megan for speaking so eloquently about their pervy passions. Click the photo to read what they had to say.
Click on whoever you think is closer to completing their MFA to read the article.
And while we’re on the subject of women watching porn, we’d like to point out this list of 10 Best Porn Films to Watch With Your Girlfriend and the fact that it’s moronic. If your girlfriend likes being bored, than by all means watch Pirates together, but if you really want to watch porn as a couple you’d probably be better off watching something that doesn’t make Cutthroat Island look like a gripping and realistic tale of high seas adventure.
A much better suggestion would be the classic post-apocalyptic eighties porn Cafe Flesh, which- oh my god what a coincidence- F*Bomb is going to be screening this month for our brand new SMUT CITY series. Details are all up on the Facebook event here and on the poster below.
F*Bomb doesn’t believe in feminism. Men are obviously power hungry cretins who are running civilization into the ground to prove who has the bigger dick, but that doesn’t mean that matriarchy is the obvious answer to patriarchy. If ladies ruled the Earth, we’d probably have a host of new problems just as bad as the old ones. No, we here at F*Bomb are firm believers in rule by a hermaphroditic hegemony. Since gender is a binary, only beings who embody both genders simultaneously are fit to make decisions. We have a tank of simultaneous hermaphroditic banana slugs in the office and we leave all the important decisions up to those double gendered gastropods. It works pretty well.
But out in the real world, there is a supposed “battle of the sexes” that never seems to end. And since Rand Paul is the only politician willing to back our plan to replace the US government with a tank of banana slugs, we seem to be stuck in this icky, sticky, gender battle for the time being. But even within this battle, you’ll find tiny skirmishes and skuffles occurring between supposedly allied forces.
For the two most recent episodes of F*Bomb in Print, we threw gasoline on one of the longest burning feminist fires: the porn debate. While the revolutionary second wave feministas were appalled by pornography and sought to ban Deep Throat and the patriarchal pig rape culture it represented, modern third wave feminists are taking a different approach, applauding women who watch porn as sexually empowered. At the end of the day, we’re with the banana slugs, who are vehemently pro-porn, but we can’t deny that both sides have their points.
First up is Robert Jensen, journalism professor by day, anti-pornography scholar by night. Robert Jensen spoke with F*Bomb for an astounding 45 minutes about what is wrong with modern mediated sexuality, the traditional feminist critique of porn, and how when it’s this broke, you can’t fix it. You can read the whole transcript by clicking the photo below.
Click your favorite anti-porn sign to read the interview with Jensen.
After that, we switched sides and talked to female smut peddler Courtney Trouble. Trouble runs the gender-shattering porn site NoFauxx.com and is a model/actress/director/photographer/webmaster etc. We talked to Trouble about the alt-porn industry, hardcore sex and politics, and her involvement with the notorious queer porn mafia. Click the pic below to read the interview.
Click wherever you think the patriarchy is being smashed to read the interview with Courtney Trouble.
So there you have it, a male pornography critic and a female pornographer, both laying out their sides of the story. So what is the final verdict? Who wins this battle, if not the war? Fuck. We don’t know. They’re probably both right. Let’s see what the banana slugs think.
“Guess what? The only person that talks to you is the piss coming out of my dick.”
Here are a couple of irrefutable facts about film.
1.) Short films are generally terrible. Sometimes you see a good one, but if you watch a shorts program at a film festival, the overall trend will lean heavily towards terrible.
2.) Gay and lesbian cinema is terrible. That’s not homophobic, it’s just an accurate critical statement. Watch a made-for-TV movie on Logo if you don’t believe us.
However, bucking both of those scientifically proven statements is this short film, entitled “Piss,” by Bette Bentley. Since it played at the Miami Short Film Festival, Austin Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and Cinekink Film Festival, it is undeniably a short film and could be said to have gay and lesbian cred (despite being about a heterosexual couple). Yet, it is not terrible. In fact, it’s the opposite of terrible. It’s super fucking awesome. It’s funny, about pee, and absolutely nails the problem of modern, enlightened, sex positive, pro-feminist coupling… namely that empowered feminist chicks (often) want their boyfriends to degrade and abuse them sexually. Watch this, and then pee on someone you love.
Here at F*Bomb, we spend a lot of time digging deep into the steamy pornographic bowels of the Net. From Chinese biting porn to live webcast self-amputations, there’s a lot of shit on the web that you really don’t want to see. But when it comes to things you really really don’t want to see, because you’re scared shitless of the FBI kicking down your door, nothing trumps child porn. Even torrenting the secret Scientology album Metallica did is less risky than Googling “sexy 17 year olds.” Just writing that headline probably landed F*Bomb on some sort of watchlist.
So let’s make a few things clear.
1.) This post contains ZERO child porn. We actually have no idea where to find child porn. Someone told us once that you go to sketchy porn sites and try clicking the black spaces on the border, looking for hidden links, but we’ve never tried that. Fuck trying that. We’ve also heard it shows up from time to time on 4Chan, but since we’re not trying to find child porn or get called a “faggot” by someone in middleschool, we don’t go there either. Fuck going there.
2.) F*Bomb does not condone child porn in any way. If it is a photo or video image, than a child was involved in its manufacture and that is fucked up. If someone offered us child porn, we would say, “No.” Not even, “No thanks,” just straight up, “No.” F*Bomb = NOT down with child porn.
3.) F*Bomb does not think kids should get molested, even if they really deserved it. Sexual abuse and molestation is a huge problem and F*Bomb is firmly against creepers touching on little kids.
So to summarize, we do not have child porn, have not seen child porn, do not support child porn, or any form of child molestation. That clear?
Now, that being said, the way we deal with sex offenders in this country is totally fucked up. Thanks to cable news and lazy politicians, child molestation has gone from something that no one talked about to a culturally sanctioned witch hunt in the last few decades. Despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of sexual abuse cases involve someone the kid knows or is related to, the pundits and politicos have fabricated an archetypal child molesting boogey man who drives around in a windowless van and lures children into his mustachioed clutches with candy. If you Google image search “child molester,” this dude shows up.
Just like how no one ever put poison in Halloween candy (except one time when a kid’s own parents did. What a shitty kid he must have been.), there are very few dudes trolling elementary school playgrounds looking to abduct kids. Besides, most kids are abducted by mercenary groups who sell them to politicians and oil sheiks, not weirdo loners operating solo.
But since no one can be against being against child molesters, politicians have been able to capitalize on parents’ worst fears and put themselves in positions of power on the promise that they will enact insane laws against child predators, laws that actually make the situation worse. Dudes who get busted taking a piss in the great outdoors can end up registered as a sex offender, suffering discrimination and harassment for the rest of their lives. Teens can get registered for sexting pictures of themselves to a significant other. The real chi-mos who get busted end up on the streets when they get out of jail due to these laws, making it even harder for the law to keep track of them or for them to build a stable, non-kid touching life.
So what should be done about this? F*Bomb doesn’t think pederasty should be legal or the law should protect priests who suck pre-teen dicks, but the current system isn’t working at all. This topic is such a taboo that there is no help available for someone trying to fight off their child touching urges before they act out. We need to find a way to punish sex criminals while offering help to those who think they might be sick, but haven’t acted on their urges yet.
As with most societal problems, the solution is deceptively simple. We need to get an island, and put anyone who wants to touch little kids, or ever has, on it. One side of the island will be civilized and decent, that’s where people who self report themselves before ever touching a kid get to go. They can look at all the CGI child porn they want, write stories about fucking fetuses, and molest the shit out of anatomically accurate dolls until the cows come home.
On the other side of the island, we dump all the criminals, the people that actually acted on their pedophilia. This side of the island will be a savage and cruel land, where only the strong survive and millionaires come to hunt human beings for sport. This side of the island will suck so bad, that anyone who even thinks about molesting will sign up for island A long before they masturbate to a Justin Bieber video.
There’s a bunch islands in the South Pacific that are already planning to evacuate once global warming makes the sea levels rise. Maybe the UN could throw down on some of those, and then let all the Tongans and Samoans and what not swap places with the people in a city that is rife with child molester-monsters, like Cleavand or Miami (but be sure to put them in different cities because of the longstanding Samoan/Tongan tension). It would be win-win and solve the problem permanently, because from this island, there will be…. NO ESCAPE!
Boobs, also known as breasts or “tittaaaaaays,” are flabby piles of collagen, fat, and modified sudoriferous glands (sweat glands) that produce milk. For some reason, porn is really into them. We’ve never really understood why. Like, if you’re into lactation then sure, go right ahead and check out some milky boob porn but for all the other straight dudes and breast-obsessed lesbians, what’s the big appeal? Boobs don’t generally make themselves useful until about 9 months after sex even occurs. So on the subject of boobs, F*Bomb stands firmly with the gays, saying, “We don’t get it. What’s the big deal? Why do you need them to be so big?”
To see what boobs really look like, check out the awesome Normal Breast Gallery, some website someone put together to make girls not feel shitty about having giant areolas or different sized boobs. But then if those boobs are “normal,” what are the boobs that people want to see and masturbate to? Abnormal? Because if that’s the case, then maybe we understand why big boobs are supposedly sexy. It’s like how abnormally large feet are sexy? Right? No!? Ugh, never mind. It seems that F*Bomb is just like an adult trying to understand Applejacks, we’re just never going to get it. So fuck it, here’s some boobs.
There are many different kinds of pornography in the world, and with the Internet making them all instantly available, sorting through the endless tags and categories can get quite confusing. Thankfully, we here at F*Bomb have spent the last few months scanning an eye-searing volume of pornography, tracking trends and data patterns and working our asses off to compile this exhaustive guide. Over the next few weeks, while our paper-based sister F*Bomb in Print focuses on the academic and cultural importance of pornography, we’ll be presenting this alphabetical guide one sexy letter at a time, giving you the most specialized overview of niche porn the Internet has ever seen. Let’s get started.
A is Arm Wrestling
Fingers bang and hands give jobs, but only in arm wrestling do the two come together so well. Locking digits in an intricate web of flesh and bone, arm wrestling pits hand against hand in the hottest arm-oriented action available online. It’s just like double fisting, minus the vagina. Now some of you might be thinking, “Wait, is arm wrestling really porn?” And all F*Bomb has to say to that, if you can masturbate to it then it’s porn. And you can masturbate to arm wrestling videos. Trust us. The suspense, the struggle, the epic grunting noises… it’s some seriously hot stuff. And best of all, arm wrestling videos even fit into the same categories as porn. Check it out.
Retro
They’re even doing it in heels. How sexy is that?
Guy on Girl
Again, more sexy foreign language arm wrasslin’. Check out the top of the female body builder’s hair at the 30 second mark. She goes to the same stylist as the Predator
P.O.V.
Out of the 6,415 views this video has, how many of those guys put an arm on the table and pretended to wrestle her?
Celebrity
This is hot but supposedly there’s a bootleg tape circulating the arm wrestling fandom underground of Michelle Obama arm wrestling some hick in a South Carolina bar in 2005. If any of you come across a copy, let us know.
Lesbian
Someone should use a time machine to make a movie about these chicks going on a date with the Barbarian Brothers. And by movie, we mean arm wrestling porn film.
Gay
This is what gay sex is like. There is a lot of heavy breathing and grunting, no one has a shirt on, and someone is wearing a puka shell necklace.
Money Shot
Yeah, this is what everyone has been waiting to see, a bone break. Brundle Fly versus mouthy redneck is not only one of the greatest arm wrestling scenes in cinema history, it’s also way less gross than watching the other Youtube videos where idiots actually break their arms.
Sorry for the long delay. Those of us who aren’t still in comas from Spring Break induced alcohol poisoning have been too sun burnt to move, much less type on a keyboard. But now thanks to the miracles of aloe vera and Korean skin grafting, we’re all feeling a lot better!
Anyways, this week’s F*Bomb in Print finally deals with a subject that college students actually care about: PORN! Over the next few weeks, our column will be overflowing with the hottest smut that’s fit to print; namely interviews with academics and alt-pornographers. But this blog will continue to be one of the dirtiest holes on the Internet, and we’ll be doing a parallel series on pornography, with a lot more visual representation. Click the pic below to read the article.
Click on which ever cheek you think is more patriotic!
Here at F*Bomb, we spend a lot of time indoors in a dimly lit office, squinting at a computer screen. We do that for you, our loyal readers, so that we can provide you with a hot steaming slice of the best smut the Internet has to offer. Horrible, filthy, terrible stuff like gay hockey leagues, giantess blowjobs, and double-dicked frat brats. We love what we do, and we do it happily, but everyone on this Earth deserves a vacation now and then, so this week we’re taking one.
And we figured since we love college kids, alcohol poisoning, bare breasts, risky sex, and hot sorority chicks barfing on each other, that there was no better place to spend spring break than at SPRING FUCKING BREAK!!!! WHOOO, YO CHAD THROW ME ANOTHER NATTIE HOLY SHIT DUDE WE’RE IN FUCKING FLOOOOOOOOOOOOORIDAH!
That sort of spring break. According to the advertisements and late night Girls Gone Wild commericals, we were expecting this:
Hot sandy snatch,
a complete lack of tan lines,
and lots of butts on several boats.
But instead, all we’ve seen so far has been:
Douchebags,
being douchey,
and being gay.
We thought since meat heads say the word fag” the way they said “STOP” in old telegrams, that they were all total homophobes. Turns out we were wrong. You get a little liquor in these boys, and they turn into total HOMOS! Seriously, we’ve seen a dozen dudes drink Jager poured off another dude’s hard boner. We saw a wasted bro with coke dick use a Live Strong bracelet as an impromptu cock ring. And we’ve found Mardi Gras beads that were definitely used as anal beads. Eww…
So Spring Break might not have been the debaucherous, drunken, heterosexual free-for-all we’d hoped for, but hell if F*Bomb won’t roll with an out of control gay party any day. Last night, we busted out a pack of poppers in the club and the frat dudes went nuts for them. Since we’d already brought our standard supply of 8 cases of Rush with us, we’re now just selling these things off at $10 a bottle. Easy fucking money.
Anyways, until we get tired of watching bros dose each other with Rohypnol and fall asleep in each other’s arms, we’re going to be riding the Spring Break Express straight through the Spring Break Excess. But don’t worry, we’ll be back in the office in a week, rubbing aloe on our sun burns and trying desperately to find more Internet scum as hot as this video right here.
Without even meaning too, we might have accidentally written our dirtiest F*Bomb in Print ever. But hey, it’s not our fault everyone is so squeamish about butt hole licking. And seriously, if you haven’t tried it, you really ought to. Just take a shower first and it’s no big deal. “Live a little, lick a lot,” is what we always say. Click the picture to read the article.
Click on the girl tossing the salad to find out what kind of dressing she’s using.
