It was a sultry Transylvannian night and Gay Dracula was just getting out of his velour coffin. “Man, I am man-horny,” Gay Dracula thought to himself, “I wonder what Bi-Sexual Frankenstein is doing.” Bi-Frankie (that’s what GD called him) wasn’t doing anything and so the two of them decided to hit the clubs, looking for some man-meat to wet their whistle (or put some volts in their bolts).

Since it was only Thursday, they headed over to Igor’s Lab, this hot new gay bar Gay Dracula had read about in the alt-weekly. Since it wasn’t the weekend he thought there wouldn’t be a line, but he was wrong and the line wrapped all the way around the block.

“Garlic cloves!” Gay Dracula muttered to himself, “This place is packed.” Bi-Frankie suggested they try something a little more low key (he wasn’t really a big fan of crowds) but Gay Dracula was adamant. “You see the fine young specimens they got lined up Frankie? They’re not even the cream of the crop. You just know they only let the most succulent ones inside.” Bi-Frankie wasn’t much of an arguer and so he agreed and said Gay Dracula was probably right.

Gay Dracula quickly came up with a foolproof plan. Bi-Frankie would stand outside by the fire door, and then Gay Dracula would turn into a bat and fly in and let him in. Genius.

Gay Dracula turned in a Gay Bat and flew right over the velvet rope.

“Oh, not so fast little guy,” said the bouncer who was crazy tough, “You on the list?”

The Gay Bat tried to look innocent. “I-uh- don’t have to be. I’m friends with the uh- owner.”

“Is that so? What’s your friend’s name?” the bouncer snarled.

“Ummm… my friend’s name is…..” Gay Bat looked around for help, and then spotted the bright neon sign over the door. “Igor! My friend’s name is Igor. He owns this place.”

“Oh snap!” the bouncer said, “He does know the boss. My condolences sir. You know how it is at these types of places. Everyone always trying to pull a fast one.”

“Yeah, it’s no big deal. Have a good night.” said Gay Bat, flying into the crowded night club.

Gay Bat turned back into Gay Dracula in the bathroom and then let Bi-Frankie in. Gay Dracula was totally right, all the dudes (and the couple of ladies the gay dudes hung out with) were all super guy-hot. It was a good place to be gay.

Pretty soon, the two of them were getting their mash on out on the dance floor. Bi-Frankie was sort of awkward, doing this weird stomp move but everyone could tell his heart was in it so they let him be. Gay Dracula was a pretty good dancer but he kept doing this swish thing with his cape that was overly flashy and no one likes a gaudy dancer, especially not at a gay bar. Bi-Frankie thought about telling Gay Dracula to tone it down a bit, but then erred on the side of avoiding any conflict, as was his nature.

A couple of cocktails later, Gay Dracula had a pretty good buzz going. Now he just needed a bite to eat. Looking around the bar he spotted a couple of collar poppers rocking Live Strong bracelets and drinking Mike’s Hard over by the (gay) porno matching game the bar had. Preppy homos like that were Gay Dracula’s favorite. You had to wash the Axe off their necks, but boy were they easy.

He strolled casually up to the one wearing the lightest pastel polo shirt, who was standing away from his friends and texting. “Hey hot stuff,” Gay Dracula said, ” Wanna do some coke with me in the bathroom?” The gay-bro totally did and so they went to the bathroom.

Crammed into a tiny stall, cause the big handicap one was taken, Gay Dracula busted out his coke bag and special coke spoon amulet necklace. He pulled a big cokey spoonful out of the bag and gave it to the frat dude whose name was Chad (duh!).

“You know Chad, I don’t like to do my coke off of spoons. I like to do my coke off of big hard wieners. You think you could help me out with that?” Gay Dracula asked, throwing up his crazy hypnosis stare.

Chad was super high on coke because Gay Dracula’s coke was good and he had also done a bunch earlier that night. He wasn’t sure he could get stiff but then, whoa, what do you know? Those hands were cold but they knew what they were doing.

Gay Dracula continued talking as he caressed Chad’s wang. He knew it would be all rock and roll hard in a second, because that coke he gave Chad was laced with hella Viagra. Gay Dracula was crafty like fuck.

“What a nice hot boner you have Chad. It’s making me all gay-horny. I totally want to put this in my butt and then do even gayer secret stuff with it that straight people don’t know about. You know what I’m talking about right?” Gay Dracula murmured.

“Oh yeah,” Chad said even though he didn’t, “Totally.” He had no clue but he was really high and his boner was so crazy it sort of hurt.

Gay Dracula kept working it with his hands and stuff and then was like, “You know what my favorite part of a boner is? All the blood that rushes to it!!!” CHOMP!

Gay Dracula bit into the guy’s dick like a fat sweaty kid eats an Otter Pop on a hot summer’s day and then things went all horror show. Chad tried to scream but it hurt so bad he just died. Gay Dracula went to town on his crotch and even ate one of his nuts by accident, which was gross for Gay Dracula because he hates solid food.

After he’d finished his meal, Gay Dracula strolled nonchalantly out to the dance floor to join Bi-Frankie, who was dancing with a hot latino twink.

“GAY DRACULA!” Bi-Frankie yell-whispered, “You have blood all over your tuxedo-cloak ensemble. Did you kill someone?”

Just then a very gay scream came from the bathroom, “Oh no! Murder! This guy’s dick’s been bitten off!” Everyone in the bar started screaming cause a bit-off dick is every homo’s worst nightmare.

Gay Dracula gave Bi-Frankie a look that said, “Oops, did I do that?” like he wasn’t actually sorry at all. Bi-Frankie put his hand over his face and groaned.

“Not again Gay Dracula. Every time I go out with you. Alright, we gotta get out of here. C’mon Pepe.”

“Dios mio!” Pepe exclaimed. He worried that the bloody guy might be bad news but they were both pretty hot and he was sure the sewn together one had a big schlong, so he went with them. The three of them ran out of the bar, and then ended up heading back to Gay Dracula’s place to eat the double-stacked blue dolphins Pepe had and have a threeway which was pretty awesome even though Gay Dracula and Bi-Frankie were a little bit awkward because they’d been friends for so long.