Attention dudes who make those Van Wilder and American Pie straight to DVD sequels:

F*Bomb has got a treat for you! Below you’ll find the “totally copyrighted so don’t try to steal it” treatment for F*Bomb’s proposed college and boobs film franchise, Boner Academy. This is just a sneak peak but if you like it, feel free to shovel some money our way and we’ll send you the whole script. We’ve got a friend whose cousin used to be an intern for the Daily Show and she said Rob Riggle is dying to play Dean Bacon. We can totally make this happen! Read on and we just know you’ll pop a boner (see below) and want to send us a big fatty check for a 13 film deal. We can discuss merchandising rights later.

Love,

F*Bomb

It was 2005 and after the crappiest high school experience anyone could ever have, Hoagie, Chaz, Lasagna, and Donald were ready to finally leave their old nerdy selves behind and ship off for four years of boobs and shenanigans at Bonaire Academy (pronounced bon-air, but don’t worry, we’ll revisit that later.)

After two of their dads dropped them off (Their dads? Haha, these guys suck) the gang was ready to get out and about and show the dorms what they were made of. The four of them hit the halls, high fiving dudes they didn’t know, pointing out things they thought were cool (“Sick Reservoir Dogs poster man! We’ll check you later.”), and figuring out where all the vending machines were on their floor. After half an hour, the dudes were pretty stoked to have learned that their floor had a vending machine with Hot Pockets AND a lot of these kids had X-Boxes and Playstations in their rooms. Sick. But then Hoagie ran into the room (Oh yeah, they all shared a four person suite) with the best news ever.

“DUDES!!!” he yelled, and everyone knew he meant business. He put a finger to his lips, which meant to be quiet. Then he sort of, he did this thing, this like… he crooked his fingered and then flexed it towards himself a bit, and then did it a couple of times, and that meant to follow him. Then he pointed to his wiener, and everyone freaked out and started high fiving and crap because when Hoagie pointed at his junk it meant there was some sexual hijinks on the horizon.

Hoagie lead them down the hall to a closed door, and then did the finger-mouth-be-quiet sign again. He pointed at the door and everyone listened. They all could hear some chick getting totally boned, moaning like a crazy porn star. No way! It was so awesome, the gang couldn’t believe it.

“No way Hoagie!” Chaz yelled, “I don’t believe it.” Everyone was all like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” because Chaz was being an idiot and yelling when they were right outside the door of some naked chick getting it on. They quickly devised a plan: Donald was small and Asian so they sent him to the bathroom to find a vent he could crawl into, Chaz and Lasagna were gonna go get a hand mirror and video camera and see if they could MacGuyver up some shit, and Hoagie was going to guard the door in case anyone tried to stop boning.

While everyone ran off to do their missions, Hoagie stood in the hallway, guarding the door and trying to figure out if he had time to go get a Hot Pocket from the vending machine before anyone else got back. He was pretty sure he could run and get one real quick, but then the sounds from the room got even hotter (if that was possible). Hoagie couldn’t believe it. He had to check this shit out. He got down near the door and tried to look through the key hole. Fuck! There wasn’t a keyhole.

Still determined, Hoagie got down on his side and pushed his head against the crack at the bottom of the door. He couldn’t really see anything, so he tried sticking a couple of his fingers under the door. That worked pretty good. He almost had his whole hand under the door when suddenly he heard a voice.

“Excuse me. Just what do you think you’re doing?”

Hoagie turned around super cool style like he was not doing anything weird. “I uh, lost my gun. Under the door.” Hoagie answered, cool as a motherf*cking cucumber. The second he saw who’d asked the question though, that coolness was outta there. Cause standing right in front of him was a babe with a decent face and slamming body.

“Whoa,” said Hoagie.

“Umm, that’s weird. You shouldn’t be digging under people’s doors for lost gum. I’m Tanya, this floor’s RA and I can’t have you doing creepo stuff like that. C’mon kid, this is the first day of the semester, don’t make me write you up.”

Hoagie was about to get up when suddenly there was a loud scream (a man scream, so weird and not hot) from inside the room.

Turns out Donald, the skinny little Asian kid, had actually found a vent and then Chuck Norrised through it until he found the hot sex room. But it wasn’t a hot sex room at all, it was just some preppy dude (His name was Trevor Bacon fyi) jacking it to porno with the volume all the way up. Donald was like, “Ugh gross!” and the dude heard him and totally man screamed. Then the dude, Trevor Bacon, tried to run but the door wouldn’t open cause some fat kid’s hand was stuck under it and wiggling and that freaked him out even more.

Long story short, Tanya the RA busted Hoagie and Donald and sent them to the dean’s where they ran into Chaz and Lasagna, who got busted trying to pull a mirror off the wall of the bathroom. So all the dudes get called in to see the dean, and Donald spots the little sign thing on his desk that says Dean Bacon. Turns out he is the dad of Trevor, the kid with the room-porno-incident (it just happened, pay attention) and he is SOOO PISSED.

Dean Bacon yells at them and threatens to call their parents and calls them nerds and lame-os and dorks and then says they don’t get to stay in the dorms with the cool kids anymore. He sends them to punishment dorm, which used to be the lamest frat on campus until it got closed down because it was haunted (and threw crappy parties with, like, zero chicks) and so the dudes have to live in the crappy punishment dorm now.

The gang showed up at their new housing and were bummed out. It was a total freak show, all weird nerds with asthma, a super fat black dude who’s actually pretty funny (which pisses off Hoagie cause he’s normally that fat funny one), a robot some Asian computer science kid built, and then some cool kid in a leather jacket who has to live there because he’s dyslexic.

When they got up to their room, Lasagna was like, “Dude, fuck this shit. This college sucks. Instead of Bonaire Academy (bon-air) they should call it Boner Academy (bone-urr) cause that’s what it sucks.”

“Yeah, and that’s what it gives me” said Hoagie, pointing you know where. Then everyone cracked up because they knew what that meant: SEXUAL HIJINKS!

Stay Tuned for Boner Academy II: Handjob Highschool

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