As anyone with a slutty friend who loves to post sex article links on Facebook has already heard, the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior just dropped a steaming hot knowledge bomb on the American people. The largest sex survey since 1994, the NSSHB has a lot of cool stuff to say about secret gay blowjobs, teenage boot-knocking, and old white people being bad about condoms. However, it has also inspired the mainstream media to revive an issue we thought had been put to rest in like, the second season of Sex in the City or something: faking orgasms.

F*Bomb hates to enter a discussion ruled over by the likes of Cosmo, but since everyone else jabbering and blabbering doesn’t get it, we decided it’s time for us to wade into the faking it fray and start dropping steaming hot F*Bombs of truth. So sit back, relax, and act like you’re enjoying the lesson we are about to deliver.

1. You Might Not Cum Tonight

Fun fact: Orgasms are not a God given right that you are owed each and every time you engage in intercourse. In a perfect world, orgasms would be guaranteed but life isn’t fair and it tends to throw a little salt in everyone’s game now and again. Sometimes a partner has no idea what they’re doing, sometimes you’re tired or drunk, and sometimes you realize that cocaine is a shitty drug that will stab you in the back and cockblock you worse than anything. Orgasms are awesome, but sometimes they’re unattainable. Deal with it.

2. Orgasms Evade Us All

The media likes to portray faking orgasms as a female problem, and it’s true that they probably fake more than most, but this situation affects guys too. Being in charge of the game ender is a heavy burden on the male’s back. When she’s saying, “Harder, faster, more, more, more!” he’s wishing she would slow down for a second and let him think about baseball. Then when it comes time to cum, he has to worry about where to spray his seed. Inside or outside? Face, tits, mouth, back, armpit, bedspread, or cup? It’s all very stressful. However, that stress pales in comparison to not being able to unload a hearty load. The male ejaculation is seen as the grand finale fireworks of sexual intercourse, without it, the game’s not over. A decent guy will just let her know that it ain’t gonna happen, he’s happy to get her off, and that they should hit the hay. An embarrassed guy will fake an orgasm, which is actually pretty easy if there’s a condom involved. And unfortunately, a dumbass/drunk guy will stubbornly plug away until he’s pounding a bloody stump into a raw, open sore saying, “It’s gonna happen in a minute. I can feel it. I swear.”

3. It’s Okay Not To Cum

Sex isn’t a mystery novel. You don’t need to read the final page and find out the butler did it to have a good time. If there are extenuating circumstances stopping you from getting yours, that’s okay. Let your partner know, help them finish how they want, and be satisfied with the journey even if you didn’t make it to the final destination.

4. Some Girls Cum Harder Than Others

Ladies, much more so than men, vary wildly in their ability to achieve orgasm. Some girls won the lady parts lottery and they soak the sheets the second someone looks at their pussy funny. Others have never had an orgasm in their life and that totally sucks. However, most exist on a spectrum where sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s none, and other times it’s ten million bajillion. If you’re one of those types, stockpile. When a partner is good and he’s pushing the buttons just right, grab all the orgasms you can and appreciate that fact you came until you were red in the face while all your considerate partner got was his glorified sneeze of a male orgasm.

5. Cut the Shit, Rub your Clit

The only thing dumber than faking an orgasm is refusing to grab the reigns and give yourself one. Any partner who objects to you getting yourself off while they go at it is a fucking moron and should be evicted from your vagina this instant. Grabbing the reigns applies to dudes too. Blowjobs are exhausting and taking a guy to completion hands free can take forever. Guys, if you’re getting close it’s okay to step in for a second, work yourself right to the edge, and then let her come in for the climax. We call it “the alley-oop.”

As much as God hates sex, he hates fucking lying a million times more. Deceiving your partner is not only a shitty thing to do, it creates a cultural climate where the media thinks it’s cool to run stories about faking orgasms and mention Meg Ryan romantic comedies from 20 years ago. So America, before the next big sex survey happens 16 years from now, listen to what Prince Charles has to say and don’t fake the funk.

*Disclaimer* This article is very hetero-normative. That wasn’t an accident. It was written specifically for heterosexuals, and ONLY heterosexuals, because gays don’t fake orgasms. Good job gays.

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