In an ideal world, people would learn about sex in the same place they learn about everything else: the classroom. Parents would lay down the basics of the birds and the bees and then, since no one wants to have an in-depth conversation about fingering with their dad, teachers would cover the rest in a more comfortable academic setting. Instead of trying to scare kids into abstinence with STD horror stories, sex-ed would teach things that mattered, like how to not feel awkward talking dirty or the fundamentals of cunnilingus.

Unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world and our sex education programs are a joke without a punchline. Eighteen year old males have a better chance of finding Kazakhstan on a map than a clitoris in the dark while their female counterparts are receiving horrible hand job instructions from the pages of Cosmo. Even the lucky few who manage to make it through adolescence without getting a warped, misinformed, religiously repressed view of sexuality don’t have many resources to turn to for help. Except of course, reading.

Below are five books that belong on every sexually active American’s shelf. A treasure trove of insight and information, F*Bomb guarantees that if you read each and everyone of these, you will become a bona fide sex god. Your dick will grow five inches longer, your nipples will lactate champagne, and your pussy will be strong enough to crack walnuts. We promise.

1. The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides

Were you a victim of abstinence only sex-ed? Did you think babies came out of belly buttons until you were 19? Have no fear. The Guide To Getting It On will set you straight. This book is the Bible of sexual competency. For those completely in the dark about what goes on in the dark, The Guide covers the fundamentals of fucking with impressive humor and clarity. Then, once you understand the basic mechanics of oral sex and intercourse, it marches on into excellent introductory chapters on kink, anal, pregnant sex, cybersex, disability sex and more. Without being obnoxiously PC or preachy, it avoids the heteronormativity of other sex manuals and has plenty to offer sexually (or gender) confused young homos. And finally, where would a comprehensive sex guide be without illustrations? The artwork Daerick Gross did for The Guide blows the Joy of Sex’s hirsute sketches out of the water. Does Joy of Sex have a drawing of two dinosaurs fucking? We didn’t think so. This book is amazing and makes a great graduation gift for any high schoolers you might know.

2. Sensuous Magic by Patrick Califia

A pioneering leather dyke, erotica author, and bisexual trans-man, Patrick Califia not only walks the walk, he talks the talk and does so articulately at that. Most books offering an introduction to S&M get bogged down in the author’s own definitions of what S&M is and a lot of vague self congratulating talk about how awesome it is to be kinky. Califia ignores that nonsense and breaks down kink, as an ideology and activity, into easily digestible, information rich packets. BDSM is such a vast catch all term it’s hard to include everything it encompasses in a single book.  Yet, somehow, Califia manages to hit all the majors- bondage, flogging, service etc- while giving each subject meticulously thorough coverage AND illustrating all of the points with well written, panty soaking erotica. Rather than leave with a hazy understanding of kink, readers of Sensuous Magic close the book prepared for a trip to the sex shop and a conversation with their partner.

3. The Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm by Steve and Vera Bodansky

Unlike 99.9% of the other sex books in existence, The Illustrated Guide To Extended Massive Orgasm actually has something new to say. Rather than lay down a couple of blowjob tips and then make up some dumb sex positions too convoluted for anyone to ever use, Extended Massive Orgasm delivers a whole new theory about what orgasms actually are. Forget about oral, forget about penetration, forget about everything you thought you knew about orgasms, it’s all bullshit. The real secret to amazing sex is… hand jobs. The basic gist of extended massive orgasms, or EMOs as the book calls them, is that one lover receives the attention while the other dishes it out. The receiver lies back and gets an awesomely specific hando, while maintaining constant verbal communication, and relaxes into the pleasure, rather than tensing towards orgasm like we’re all programmed to do. The Bodanskys are hippies and the tone of the book makes it obvious that they’re writing for middle aged people who have never seen their spouse’s genitals with the lights on until now, but their ideas are solid and the book is full of amazingly useful tips that will make you the Michael Jordan of slow clit rubbing. Also, Steve Bodansky looks like David Cross so that’s pretty cool too.

4. Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes by Two Knotty Boys

Learning how to do a complex 3 dimensional activity from a book is always going to be difficult. Other bondage books use sparse illustrations and rely on confusing text instructions that say things like, “Take the primary anterior rope and cross it behind the loop in a clockwise perpendicular direction, sliding it over the secondary knot but behind the hanging loop left by its own path. Then tighten.” Then, the illustrations they do have look like they were lifted from a 1950s Boy Scout manual and aren’t any clearer. Disposing of that confusing bullshit, the Two Knotty Boys had the genius idea of using clear, step by step photo instructions. The result is the best introductory bondage book on the market. Perfect for beginners, Showing You The Ropes guides the novice from their initial rope purchase, to tying the basic knots, all the way up to elaborate full body wraps. Their second book Back On The Ropes is more of the same, except in color, and their website http://www.knottyboys.com/ has a ton of video tutorials in case you’re still confused after the photos.

5. The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams

Take this book with a grain of salt and it will change the way you cum. Well, at least if you’re a man it will. A great companion for The Illustrated Guide to EMO, MOM flips the script and goes into far greater detail on how to make a man multi-orgasmic than EMO, which sort of just says jerk him off but don’t make him cum right away. Mantak Chia is really into Tai Chi and he likes to talk about sexual kung fu, which is corny, but you can ignore the stuff about energy and focus on the parts about becoming multi-orgasmic. Basically, ejaculation and orgasm are different phenomenon but they happen so close together most men can’t tell the difference. Mantak lays down real clear instructions on how to get close to the edge without falling off the cliff. With practice, you can get close enough that you orgasm but don’t ejaculate. Once you’ve got the technique down pat you can ride that sweet spot until the wheels fall off your pleasure wagon.

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