This Wednesday, F*Bomb will follow up the stomach churning, fast food erotica reading we performed at Bedpost Confessions (download Bedpost Confessions podcast 1 on iTunes if you missed it) with an informative Powerpoint presentation on erotic fan fiction for Nerd Nite. All the details are on the ad (see above) and the Nerd Nite’s Facebook page.

If the mere thought of seeing our grotesquely deformed face in person isn’t enough to get you out of the house, then maybe the promise of a fun and thorough lecture on the ins-and-outs (hey-o!) of writing erotic fan fiction can convince you. Because seriously, without F*Bomb’s knowledge and guidance, you’re never going to get that Sonic/Tails/Knuckles story the high rating it deserves on Literotica.  Maybe you could get a decent response on FurryTower, but everyone knows furryfiction readers are a bunch of barely literate middle schoolers you shouldn’t be wasting your time trying to impress.

Of course, how can F*Bomb lay claim to erotic fan fiction expertise without first demonstrating our mastery of the form? To show off our considerable skills, as well as generate excitement for our upcoming presentation, F*Bomb is now going to attempt the most difficult erotic fan fiction style known to the Net. Basically, it’s the triple lindy of writing sexy junk about characters you didn’t create. Yes, we’re talking about the “Christian Children’s Show Triple Crossover.” Read on if you dare.

Davey put two fingers to his lips and blew hard. Within seconds, he could hear Goliath, his faithful hound, bounding around the corner, racing across the lawn to see what his Master wanted.

“Hiya Davey,” Goliath said.

“Oh hi Goliath,” Davey replied, “How do you feel about Jesus today?”

“Oh, I think He’s the greatest. Him dying for our sins and all that, what a pal!” Goliath said.

Davey nodded, stroking the top of Goliath’s fuzzy head.

“I know Goliath, Jesus is the best. And I just learned this new way to pray that will show Him just how much we love Him,” Davey said.

Goliath’s hard, thick tail started wagging ferociously.

“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,” the dog cried out, “A new way to pray?!? How do we do it? Tell me Davey! Tell me!”

Davey gave the pup a pat on the head and nodded.

“Okay, Goliath, here’s what you do: Get down on your knees like you’re going to pray the normal way, then close your eyes, and open your mouth.”

“Like this?” Goliath asked, assuming the position Davey had just described.

“Perfect,” Davey said, “Jesus is going to love this. Now just keep your eyes closed…”

Inside, Davey’s mother Elaine was drying the last of the dishes. She heard a noise from the backyard, and stopped humming the hymn she was in the middle of. In the backyard, she could hear someone crying out “Oh Jesus, Oh my God, Yes, yes I love it! Yes, Oh my God!” Elaine smiled proudly, that boy of hers, what a good Christian he was. Praying so enthusiastically in the middle of the day like that. She just wished his father had the same enthusiasm when it came to… well.

John’s lack of passion had really been upsetting her lately. He said what she wanted him to do was wicked and un-Christian, but she felt like, as a married couple, whatever they did was alright in the Lord’s eyes. Well, if John wouldn’t give her what she wanted, Elaine had no problem doing it for herself.

Opening up the refrigerator, she looked around for something that might be suitable for her purposes. “Ahh, down in the vegetable crisper, those would work perfectly,” she thought to herself.

Elaine locked her bedroom door and laid down on the bed. She pulled her cotton dress up to her waist, and slid her panties down to the floor. Closing her eyes, she took the tomato in her hand and began rubbing its cold, smooth surface across her skin, grazing her pubic hairs lightly, before slowly settling it between her legs. Up and down she pulled it, pressing it ever so slightly into her warm and open vulva. Her other hand clasped her breasts, and she began to think about the sexiest man she could imagine.

He stood before her, hairy and wild with eyes as soft and kind as a lamb. Wearing nothing but a loincloth, He reached out to her and began caressing her breasts, tugging gently on her nipples. The holes in His hands trickled blood onto her breasts, but she didn’t mind. She reached up to run her fingers through His hair, and pricked herself on a crown of thorns. Pesky things, she always forgot they were there.

As her passion multiplied like loaves of bread and fish, she began grinding the tomato harder into herself. For a second, she thought she heard the tomato cry out, but then it burst so she assumed imagined it. Shaking the pulpy mess from her hand, she reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the cucumber. Again, she heard a sound that almost resembled sobbing and quiet whimpering, but she ignored it. The cucumber felt like it was shaking slightly, as if terrified of what was about to happen, but those light vibrations only increased Elaine’s excitement.

Wetting it between her legs, Elaine worked the cucumber until it was covered in her holy water, and then slid it back towards her rear door. With only the slightest pressure, it slid inside, suctioned in by her hungry, gaping asshole. Her fingers tried to grip the end as it receded inside her, but they were too wet with tomato pulp and love syrup. The cucumber was gone.

“Fiddlesticks,” Elaine thought, “How am I going to get that out of there?”

“Maybe I can help?” a voice cried out from the floor by her bed.

Elaine looked at the floor, her mouth hanging open in utter amazement. Standing barely 6 inches off the ground was a cartoon man. And not just any cartoon man, it was McGee, the strange drawing her oldest boy, Nicholas, had been obsessed with drawing ever since they’d moved to town.

“M’am, you need help retrieving that?” the drawing asked.

“Bu-bu-but, you’re my son’s drawing! You can’t be here. This doesn’t make sense. You’re not real!” Elaine said.

“Wait, let me get this straight,” McGee replied, “You think a carpenter from 2,000 years ago was God’s chosen son, who God killed to save humanity from His own wrath for being sinful because they had disobeyed Him when they lived in a magic garden and got tricked by an evil snake, but you don’t believe I’m real?”

“Good point,” Elaine replied, “Get up here and get in there!”

She plucked the tiny man off the floor and set him gently on the bed between her legs. Taking a deep breath, she spread her legs wide and angled her hips, giving McGee full access to her asshole.

“In we go!” McGee said, wriggling himself into Elaine’s ass in pursuit of the cucumber.

There was a brief moment of pain and discomfort, then Elaine relaxed into it. She felt so full with the cartoon and the cucumber inside of her. She lay back and tried to enjoy it. McGee’s squirming pushed the cucumber in deeper, she had never had anything this far up in her before. It felt incredible. She began thinking about Christ, hung on the cross, just like at church. She imagined herself going up to Him and pulling His loincloth to the side. Maybe He would protest, but what could He do? He was nailed to a cross. Elaine imagined herself taking His Holiness into her mouth as the anal sensation continued to please her in ways she had never imagined.

Suddenly, she felt something hot and wet between her legs. It wasn’t McGee, she could still feel him wrestling that vegetable out of her bowels. She was about to open her eyes and look, when suddenly whatever it was hit her clit. The combination of the hot, wet, rough mystery sensation on her clit, and her son’s cartoon character pulling a cucumber out of her asshole was too much to bear. She imagined herself kneeling before Him, taking Him all the way inside of her, begging for forgiveness. He spoke gently and said, “You are forgiven, my child.”

Elaine came so hard she felt McGee and the cucumber come flying out of her ass. The mystery sensation between her legs stopped, and she heard herself panting to catch her breath. Then she realized that she wasn’t panting. Dreading what she might see, Elaine opened her eyes and looked towards the end of the bed.

“GOLIATH!!!” she yelled!

THE END

(PS Don’t forget to come out on Wednesday night!)