Worst Tattoo Results
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:08:00 GMT. 4 comments. Top.
No, this tattoo didn’t win last night. In fact, it wasn’t even in the contest. We just found it online and felt rotten about leaving it out of the last post so, ummm… here it is. Enjoy. Now on to the awards.
By all the metrics used to rate terrible tattoo competitions, last night was a rousing success. Drunk dudes got ejected from the bar, deadbeat tattoo artists failed to show up even after they registered (we love you Animal!), some hot drunk chick showed everyone the double dildo holding monkey on her back, and for one brief glorious moment, there was a tattooed image of a dick and an actual human dick sharing the stage. Also… juggalos.
But this isn’t the Academy Awards, or their sexier younger sister the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards, and so there’s no point in delaying the glorious announcements we have in hand. Votes were cast, awards were awarded, and mistakes were both made and honored. Below you’ll find the official winners of each category, plus our favorites that somehow didn’t make the cut.
WINNER: WORST TATTOO IN AUSTIN/HEAVILY REGRETTED
Until Study Breaks starts giving out awards for Best Date Rape, the Worst Tattoo in Austin Contest is going to be the only show in town bestowing honor on to things that happened to girls when they were blacked out. Kathleen Boyle and her “Chili Cook Off 09″ first met the morning after, when a confused Kathleen couldn’t figure out why the Sharpie on her arm wouldn’t come off. Stupid, inexplicable, hilarious, and dare we say, poignant, this is officially the Worst Tattoo in Austin. You might say you and your friends have a worse one, but guess what, you didn’t show up, Chili Cook Off 09 did, so suck it haters. Kathleen Boyle is available for bar mitzvahs, interventions, and East 6th bar openings.
WINNER: WEIRDEST TATTOO
This poor soul worked at Austin Pizza. Then, if that wasn’t already bad enough, his coworkers pitched in on this tattoo, guaranteeing him a lifetime of strangers mistakenly paraphrasing Anchorman immediately before ejaculating onto his back. Always classy indeed sir.
WINNER: POORLY DONE
The dude with this shitty “pyrate bort” mess had a much more professionally done tattoo of the Hatchman of Psychopathic Records fame that won him Runner Up in the Heavily Regretted division. The only reason we allowed a lowlife dirtbag like that to compete was A) he swore he would use any prize tattooing he won to cover up the ICP bullshit on his ankle and B) our homie Johnny at Red 7 personally did the finishing touches on this pyrate (a)bort(ion). Can’t wait to see what garbage got drawn over the Hatchetman at next year’s contest.
WINNER: CAREER ENDING/WILLING TO COME ON STAGE
So, big surprise here, none of the shitbirds who entered our “Career Ending” category hung around long enough to compete, even though their round was first. A desperate call to the audience produced this dude, who came up to show off some weird conceptual “anti-straight edge” tattoo. First off, an anti-straight edge tattoo is a goddamn mean looking alien standing in front of a weed leaf, not a bunch of stupid circles on your thumbs. Fortunately, a hot tip from the crowd informed us that this guy was holding out: He had a fucking John Candy portrait tattoo on his ass! Ultimate win. Good job random dude from the crowd. Fuck you other career enders (grrr…. Animal!)
HONORABLE MENTION: RAD/WE ALL SAW YOUR DICK
If the projector had worked well enough to show this thing off like it deserved, its owner would be swimming in prizes right now. Not only is this thing fucking AWESOME, its owner also dropped full trou’ and fulfilled F*Bomb’s dream of seeing live dick and mutant ejaculating dog dick tattoo side by side on stage. Oh wait, correction, the mutant barf dog is ejaculating blood. That was made clear on stage. Side note, this dude and F*Bomb crossed paths two years ago when we were both hella wasted in the ER during SXSW at 3AM. For some reason, the bored doctor let the drunk person with this tattoo put in three of the staples he (the doctor) was using to close the Wolverine style gashes in my shin. SXSW is crazy. This tattoo is crazier.
HONORABLE MENTION: TECHNICALLY WORST
That’s a real tattoo. It looks like Sharpie, but it isn’t. Several people confirmed it. All we can speculate is heart break, alcohol, and a homemade tattoo gun. What’s with those eyes? Seriously awful stuff.
HONORABLE MENTION: JEW-NICORN/I’M TOO DRUNK TO WIN SWEET PRIZES
This dude stumbled to the stage to show off some Borg/Tron looking robot thing for Poorly Done that was actually supposed to be a maze golem. But by the time we got to Weirdest, this guy must have imbibed a smidge too much manischewitz because he was nowhere to be found. It’s a real shame, since this Semetic travesty has got more hilarious Judaism than a Friar’s Club roast. Let’s see, we got a yarmulke on the horn, “Oy Vey” on the belly, a bone Menorah coming out the bottom, some peyot in the hair (Jew curls dummy), a pierced nipple (is that a Jew thing?), and then Stars of David and dollar signs in the filler. What the fuck dude? Why weren’t you there to explain this hot Jewish mess? Oy vey indeed.
[PS Huge thank yous go out to Chris Trew and The New Movement, Lance and A.V. Club Austin, Johnny and Red 7, Austin Tattoo Co., Bijou Studios, Shaman Modification, Sailor's Grave, Triple Crown, Bite Mi, Buffalo Exchange, Iggi's Texatarian, Blue Starlite Urban Drive-In, I Luv Video, Vulcan Video, Bike Problems, The Mole People, The Jungle Rockers, Smoke and Feathers and everyone who was kind enough to show off their tattoos on stage. We'll be back next year with the bigger, badder, better organized Worst Tattoo II: Electric Boogaloo]
Most Excellent Genital Tattoos in Austin Contest
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:08:10 GMT. 1 comment. Top.
What could be kinkier than having a gloved stranger repeatedly penetrate your skin with a needle in order to permanently mark your body? Nothing. That’s why the pioneers of tattoo culture were all hookers, homos, and seaman. And so in order to honor their legacy, F*Bomb is throwing the first annual Worst Tattoo in Austin Contest. You can read all about the who, what, when, wheres on the Facebook event (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=184985431542288) including instructions on how to compete if you’re sporting some truly awful, or wonderfully epic, ink. But right now, on this blog, we’re going to focus on the “why.”
Aside from the obvious erotic element mentioned above, tattoo culture is full of sexy, hilarious, and terrible images dedicated to the only things that get F*Bomb out of bed in the morning: namely, some combination of peni, vaginae, and buttocks. We love those things, and we love anyone who would get a picture of them tattooed on their body. Originally, we approached Red 7 with the idea of doing a Most Excellent Genital Tattoos in Austin Contest, but they said no. They thought that might get too weird. We shopped around until we realized Headhunters was the only venue willing to put it on, said, “Uhhhh no thanks,” and went back to Red 7 with the compromise of doing a Worst Tattoo in Austin Contest. And we’re still hoping that a bunch of people show up with genital ink, which Red 7 said will be okay to show on stage.
The event is Thursday, and everyone who reads this filthy smut-hole should come check it out, whether on not you love genital tattoos because there will also be bands and alcohol. But in the meantime, let’s just go ahead and wet our whistles on some of the best tattoo smut the net has to offer.
Tattoos OF Dicks
Love the pubic hair but a tad too wrinkly.
We once found a Craigslist ad in the adult gigs section where a dude was explaining how he’d had prostate surgery, and one of the effects was that a little blood was getting into his pipes and he was cumming red. He wanted to know if anyone wanted to come watch this happen. Maybe that’s the same thing happening to this sad little fellow.
There’s a debate in the tattoo community about whether swastikas are an ancient Buddhist symbol of peace or irredeemable Nazi bullshit. This guy does not care. He just wanted a cock-stika on his tum-tum.
Tattoos ON Dicks
Oh, an elephant with a dick for a trunk? Yeah, that wouldn’t even take a 2nd grader very long to come up with. Real clever. The only way this could be cool is if you made it do the dance to “Skinnamarink.”
Question: If you were blowing this guy, would you make eye contact with the devil?
All the points this dude gets for this being funny are immediately negated by the fact that he turned his dick into a punchline and has a Disney character tattooed on his skin.
Holy shit, it’s a bifurcated cock slug! This would be the most epic dick tattoo of all time except that he has permanent briefs courtesy of Pacific Sun surrounding it. On the plus side, having your urethra splaid out like that probably rules. Do you think he warns people before he pulls it out or lets them be a surprise?
In high school, a little kid asked a friend why he was smoking. He replied, “Cuz it’s cool and makes me look like a dragon,” and then blew a cloud of cancerous smoke in the little busy body’s face. Anyone tries to question this guy’s most excellent decision, we hope they get a face full of dragon jizz and a similar retort.
Tattoos OF Vaginas
The piercings on the underside of the arm are way grosser and stupid than the cunt tattooed there.
This artist must do a lot of portrait tattoos. Look at the quality of work and attention to detail on that. The shading is immaculate. Whose vagina you think he used as a reference? Probably the dude’s cool aunt, right?
This is what pussy looks like to gay dudes.
This is what anime fans think pussy looks like.
Tattoos ON Vaginas
There’s a lot of “devil face on vagina” tattoos out there, but this one has a dildo in it. It wins.
The only way a tattoo could make you more scared of getting a girl pregnant is if a chick had a fetal baby counting stacks of money, staring at you with a speech balloon that says, “What up daddy?”
This is the most well done GWAR tattoo we’ve ever seen. Sigh, you didn’t get that joke? Click here.
Something something don’t stick your finger in the socket something.
This looks like that dude who gave your mom tennis lessons in the 1970s. Even without the tattoo, this chick would still have an excellent greying bush. How does a man whose face is half vagina look so wise? Fuckin’ epic.
