Reading is Sexy
Last modified on 2011-05-13 15:09:23 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
For this week’s F*Bomb in Print, we steered away from the time honored sex column topics of porn and masturbation and instead opted to do the unthinkable: assign our readers homework. Sex columns present an interesting reader/writer dynamic. We’re revealing personal information and providing insights into one of the reader’s most personal activities (sex), and yet we receive so little feedback. Though we’d like to imagine that there are thousands of loyal fans at UT, eagerly awaiting each new copy of UWeekly just so they can see what F*Bomb said this week, we truly have no idea how the students are responding. But we solider on in our duties nonetheless, and hopefully in some cluttered dorm room on campus, young, innocent 20 year olds are have better sex because of our efforts.
Taking that principle as our guiding light for the final spring semester column, we assigned a reading list of books that could keep all the F*Bomb fans and intrepid sexual explorers occupied and educated while they’re back home visiting the family in Dog Shit, TX or wherever for the summer. To check the reading list and read the column, click the photo below.
Click on whoever you think is going to earn a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut to read the column.
F*Bomb’s Guide to Picking Out Porn
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:03:37 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
Well, no, not really. When F*Bomb does do a legit guide to picking out porn, it will be a 500 page tome that comes bound in human foreskin. But for now, we just did a tiny little brief primer for F*Bomb in Print, mainly to shamelessly cross promote our new and exciting XXX screening series, SMUT CITY, as well as wrap up our multi-part series PORN. in the U.S.A. But this does mean that our porn series is officially over, and now we can get back to writing about the stuff that really matters, like…. like… okay, we’re probably still going to mostly write about porn. Anyways, here’s the article. Click the photo to check it out.
Click on whoever you think you’re more likely to run into in an actual porn store.
Chicks on Porn
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:04:52 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
Just like Nicolas Cage in 8MM, F*Bomb in Print continues to plumb the depths of pornography’s depravity, sacrificing our sanity to get to the bottom of this seedy world of ruin. But instead of looking for snuff (which is soooooooo nineties), we’re mainly just talking to professors and pornographers about what they think. This week, we veered away from the pros and talked to a couple of ordinary ladies who just happen to enjoy watching people fuck on film. Big thanks to Juli and Sarah Megan for speaking so eloquently about their pervy passions. Click the photo to read what they had to say.
Click on whoever you think is closer to completing their MFA to read the article.
And while we’re on the subject of women watching porn, we’d like to point out this list of 10 Best Porn Films to Watch With Your Girlfriend and the fact that it’s moronic. If your girlfriend likes being bored, than by all means watch Pirates together, but if you really want to watch porn as a couple you’d probably be better off watching something that doesn’t make Cutthroat Island look like a gripping and realistic tale of high seas adventure.
A much better suggestion would be the classic post-apocalyptic eighties porn Cafe Flesh, which- oh my god what a coincidence- F*Bomb is going to be screening this month for our brand new SMUT CITY series. Details are all up on the Facebook event here and on the poster below.
Porn or Con
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:05:01 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
F*Bomb doesn’t believe in feminism. Men are obviously power hungry cretins who are running civilization into the ground to prove who has the bigger dick, but that doesn’t mean that matriarchy is the obvious answer to patriarchy. If ladies ruled the Earth, we’d probably have a host of new problems just as bad as the old ones. No, we here at F*Bomb are firm believers in rule by a hermaphroditic hegemony. Since gender is a binary, only beings who embody both genders simultaneously are fit to make decisions. We have a tank of simultaneous hermaphroditic banana slugs in the office and we leave all the important decisions up to those double gendered gastropods. It works pretty well.
But out in the real world, there is a supposed “battle of the sexes” that never seems to end. And since Rand Paul is the only politician willing to back our plan to replace the US government with a tank of banana slugs, we seem to be stuck in this icky, sticky, gender battle for the time being. But even within this battle, you’ll find tiny skirmishes and skuffles occurring between supposedly allied forces.
For the two most recent episodes of F*Bomb in Print, we threw gasoline on one of the longest burning feminist fires: the porn debate. While the revolutionary second wave feministas were appalled by pornography and sought to ban Deep Throat and the patriarchal pig rape culture it represented, modern third wave feminists are taking a different approach, applauding women who watch porn as sexually empowered. At the end of the day, we’re with the banana slugs, who are vehemently pro-porn, but we can’t deny that both sides have their points.
First up is Robert Jensen, journalism professor by day, anti-pornography scholar by night. Robert Jensen spoke with F*Bomb for an astounding 45 minutes about what is wrong with modern mediated sexuality, the traditional feminist critique of porn, and how when it’s this broke, you can’t fix it. You can read the whole transcript by clicking the photo below.
Click your favorite anti-porn sign to read the interview with Jensen.
After that, we switched sides and talked to female smut peddler Courtney Trouble. Trouble runs the gender-shattering porn site NoFauxx.com and is a model/actress/director/photographer/webmaster etc. We talked to Trouble about the alt-porn industry, hardcore sex and politics, and her involvement with the notorious queer porn mafia. Click the pic below to read the interview.
Click wherever you think the patriarchy is being smashed to read the interview with Courtney Trouble.
So there you have it, a male pornography critic and a female pornographer, both laying out their sides of the story. So what is the final verdict? Who wins this battle, if not the war? Fuck. We don’t know. They’re probably both right. Let’s see what the banana slugs think.
I Was Porn That Way
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:06:44 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
Sorry for the long delay. Those of us who aren’t still in comas from Spring Break induced alcohol poisoning have been too sun burnt to move, much less type on a keyboard. But now thanks to the miracles of aloe vera and Korean skin grafting, we’re all feeling a lot better!
Anyways, this week’s F*Bomb in Print finally deals with a subject that college students actually care about: PORN! Over the next few weeks, our column will be overflowing with the hottest smut that’s fit to print; namely interviews with academics and alt-pornographers. But this blog will continue to be one of the dirtiest holes on the Internet, and we’ll be doing a parallel series on pornography, with a lot more visual representation. Click the pic below to read the article.
Click on which ever cheek you think is more patriotic!
How Many Licks?
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:07:07 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
Without even meaning too, we might have accidentally written our dirtiest F*Bomb in Print ever. But hey, it’s not our fault everyone is so squeamish about butt hole licking. And seriously, if you haven’t tried it, you really ought to. Just take a shower first and it’s no big deal. “Live a little, lick a lot,” is what we always say. Click the picture to read the article.
Click on the girl tossing the salad to find out what kind of dressing she’s using.
Mediocre Match Maker
Last modified on 2011-03-01 06:08:03 GMT. 1 comment. Top.
For this week’s F*Bomb in Print, we tried to talk to college students about the popular dating site OKCupid. Then we realized that college kids are too busy getting puked on at frat parties or felt up in the dorm while their roommate studies to use a website to find action. So we talked to two rad, later-20s Austinites instead who confirmed that yes, OKCupid is a website that can get you sex.
Then for this post, we were going to throw in a few tips on how to maximize your success on the site. But then we realized that would fuck up the site’s Darwinian ecosystem and the web is better off with the idiots not knowing how to look like non-idiots. So if you’re a dude, keep posting pictures that you took in the bathroom by yourself with your shirt off. Girls, please write more about how you generically like running, the outdoors, music, movies, breathing air, food, and The Beatles. It’s thrilling. As always, click pic, read column.
Click on whoever you think is the bigger fan of “movies” and “going out for food.”
Girly Gushers
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:08:43 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
You better lay down a towel because this week’s F*Bomb in Print is about one slippery subject: squirting. Yup, we explained the basics of gushing girl-gasms for the UT student body and hopefully set the eager beavers off on the path to the great orgasmic ocean. If you notice pools of fluid accumulating underneath dorm doorways, we’ll take credit for that. Click the pic to get wet.
Click whoever you think is getting wetter to read the column.
And, because this is a porn blog and squirting is epic, here are a bunch of videos of sexy French femme Astrée experiencing “la mort peu humide.” Skip ahead to the marked times if you only want to see the water works and don’t care to sit through insanely hot French porn.
3:25
7:02
7:07
Big ups to John B. Root’s Explicite-Art for the super soakin sexy videos.
F*Bomb at Nerd Nite 22:NSFW
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:09:57 GMT. 2 comments. Top.
This Wednesday, F*Bomb will follow up the stomach churning, fast food erotica reading we performed at Bedpost Confessions (download Bedpost Confessions podcast 1 on iTunes if you missed it) with an informative Powerpoint presentation on erotic fan fiction for Nerd Nite. All the details are on the ad (see above) and the Nerd Nite’s Facebook page.
If the mere thought of seeing our grotesquely deformed face in person isn’t enough to get you out of the house, then maybe the promise of a fun and thorough lecture on the ins-and-outs (hey-o!) of writing erotic fan fiction can convince you. Because seriously, without F*Bomb’s knowledge and guidance, you’re never going to get that Sonic/Tails/Knuckles story the high rating it deserves on Literotica. Maybe you could get a decent response on FurryTower, but everyone knows furryfiction readers are a bunch of barely literate middle schoolers you shouldn’t be wasting your time trying to impress.
Of course, how can F*Bomb lay claim to erotic fan fiction expertise without first demonstrating our mastery of the form? To show off our considerable skills, as well as generate excitement for our upcoming presentation, F*Bomb is now going to attempt the most difficult erotic fan fiction style known to the Net. Basically, it’s the triple lindy of writing sexy junk about characters you didn’t create. Yes, we’re talking about the “Christian Children’s Show Triple Crossover.” Read on if you dare.
Davey put two fingers to his lips and blew hard. Within seconds, he could hear Goliath, his faithful hound, bounding around the corner, racing across the lawn to see what his Master wanted.
“Hiya Davey,” Goliath said.
“Oh hi Goliath,” Davey replied, “How do you feel about Jesus today?”
“Oh, I think He’s the greatest. Him dying for our sins and all that, what a pal!” Goliath said.
Davey nodded, stroking the top of Goliath’s fuzzy head.
“I know Goliath, Jesus is the best. And I just learned this new way to pray that will show Him just how much we love Him,” Davey said.
Goliath’s hard, thick tail started wagging ferociously.
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,” the dog cried out, “A new way to pray?!? How do we do it? Tell me Davey! Tell me!”
Davey gave the pup a pat on the head and nodded.
“Okay, Goliath, here’s what you do: Get down on your knees like you’re going to pray the normal way, then close your eyes, and open your mouth.”
“Like this?” Goliath asked, assuming the position Davey had just described.
“Perfect,” Davey said, “Jesus is going to love this. Now just keep your eyes closed…”
Inside, Davey’s mother Elaine was drying the last of the dishes. She heard a noise from the backyard, and stopped humming the hymn she was in the middle of. In the backyard, she could hear someone crying out “Oh Jesus, Oh my God, Yes, yes I love it! Yes, Oh my God!” Elaine smiled proudly, that boy of hers, what a good Christian he was. Praying so enthusiastically in the middle of the day like that. She just wished his father had the same enthusiasm when it came to… well.
John’s lack of passion had really been upsetting her lately. He said what she wanted him to do was wicked and un-Christian, but she felt like, as a married couple, whatever they did was alright in the Lord’s eyes. Well, if John wouldn’t give her what she wanted, Elaine had no problem doing it for herself.
Opening up the refrigerator, she looked around for something that might be suitable for her purposes. “Ahh, down in the vegetable crisper, those would work perfectly,” she thought to herself.
Elaine locked her bedroom door and laid down on the bed. She pulled her cotton dress up to her waist, and slid her panties down to the floor. Closing her eyes, she took the tomato in her hand and began rubbing its cold, smooth surface across her skin, grazing her pubic hairs lightly, before slowly settling it between her legs. Up and down she pulled it, pressing it ever so slightly into her warm and open vulva. Her other hand clasped her breasts, and she began to think about the sexiest man she could imagine.
He stood before her, hairy and wild with eyes as soft and kind as a lamb. Wearing nothing but a loincloth, He reached out to her and began caressing her breasts, tugging gently on her nipples. The holes in His hands trickled blood onto her breasts, but she didn’t mind. She reached up to run her fingers through His hair, and pricked herself on a crown of thorns. Pesky things, she always forgot they were there.
As her passion multiplied like loaves of bread and fish, she began grinding the tomato harder into herself. For a second, she thought she heard the tomato cry out, but then it burst so she assumed imagined it. Shaking the pulpy mess from her hand, she reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the cucumber. Again, she heard a sound that almost resembled sobbing and quiet whimpering, but she ignored it. The cucumber felt like it was shaking slightly, as if terrified of what was about to happen, but those light vibrations only increased Elaine’s excitement.
Wetting it between her legs, Elaine worked the cucumber until it was covered in her holy water, and then slid it back towards her rear door. With only the slightest pressure, it slid inside, suctioned in by her hungry, gaping asshole. Her fingers tried to grip the end as it receded inside her, but they were too wet with tomato pulp and love syrup. The cucumber was gone.
“Fiddlesticks,” Elaine thought, “How am I going to get that out of there?”
“Maybe I can help?” a voice cried out from the floor by her bed.
Elaine looked at the floor, her mouth hanging open in utter amazement. Standing barely 6 inches off the ground was a cartoon man. And not just any cartoon man, it was McGee, the strange drawing her oldest boy, Nicholas, had been obsessed with drawing ever since they’d moved to town.
“M’am, you need help retrieving that?” the drawing asked.
“Bu-bu-but, you’re my son’s drawing! You can’t be here. This doesn’t make sense. You’re not real!” Elaine said.
“Wait, let me get this straight,” McGee replied, “You think a carpenter from 2,000 years ago was God’s chosen son, who God killed to save humanity from His own wrath for being sinful because they had disobeyed Him when they lived in a magic garden and got tricked by an evil snake, but you don’t believe I’m real?”
“Good point,” Elaine replied, “Get up here and get in there!”
She plucked the tiny man off the floor and set him gently on the bed between her legs. Taking a deep breath, she spread her legs wide and angled her hips, giving McGee full access to her asshole.
“In we go!” McGee said, wriggling himself into Elaine’s ass in pursuit of the cucumber.
There was a brief moment of pain and discomfort, then Elaine relaxed into it. She felt so full with the cartoon and the cucumber inside of her. She lay back and tried to enjoy it. McGee’s squirming pushed the cucumber in deeper, she had never had anything this far up in her before. It felt incredible. She began thinking about Christ, hung on the cross, just like at church. She imagined herself going up to Him and pulling His loincloth to the side. Maybe He would protest, but what could He do? He was nailed to a cross. Elaine imagined herself taking His Holiness into her mouth as the anal sensation continued to please her in ways she had never imagined.
Suddenly, she felt something hot and wet between her legs. It wasn’t McGee, she could still feel him wrestling that vegetable out of her bowels. She was about to open her eyes and look, when suddenly whatever it was hit her clit. The combination of the hot, wet, rough mystery sensation on her clit, and her son’s cartoon character pulling a cucumber out of her asshole was too much to bear. She imagined herself kneeling before Him, taking Him all the way inside of her, begging for forgiveness. He spoke gently and said, “You are forgiven, my child.”
Elaine came so hard she felt McGee and the cucumber come flying out of her ass. The mystery sensation between her legs stopped, and she heard herself panting to catch her breath. Then she realized that she wasn’t panting. Dreading what she might see, Elaine opened her eyes and looked towards the end of the bed.
“GOLIATH!!!” she yelled!
THE END
(PS Don’t forget to come out on Wednesday night!)
Trying To Fuck Lady Luck
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:09:41 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
As if Chatroulette didn’t have enough bored dudes in dorm rooms desperately looking for chicks already, this week’s F*Bomb in Print opens the floodgates and strongly encourages UT’s student body to start making better use of their webcams than Skyping with the friends they made while studying abroad. Though the site does have a disproportionate number of male users, the majority of males are pretty clueless so even if you are a dude, if you’re not a moron you can probably find a chick to Charoulette you to completion. And if you’re a chick or a gay guy, then we guarantee you’ll have NO PROBLEM! So stop looking at porno like a lonely chump and get in on the interactive activities of Porn 2.0. Click the pick to read the article.
Coitus Interferus
Last modified on 2011-06-03 00:10:24 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
After a long winter break spent fucking Polish ski bunnies in the Swiss alps, F*Bomb in Print is back! We’ll be dishing out advice, opinions, and information to sexually confused students all semester long in the pages of UWeekly, aka the campus paper that’s more fun than the Daily Texan and less rapey than Study Breaks.
Since the F*Bomb staff spent last week combing through our erotic fan fiction archive (preparing for the upcoming “Introduction to Erotic Fan Fiction For Aspiring Writers” lecture we’ll be giving at Nerd Nite next Wednesday) our brains were too beaten down by “Mork fucks the cast of 3rd Rock From The Sun” fan fiction to post our latest column. So sorry for the delay, and here it is now! Click the pouting couple to read all about what to do when sexual dysfunction happens to you.
Click on whoever you think ruined the fun!
