In case you weren’t already aware, porn and sex aren’t the same thing. Just like how real life cops don’t actually catch air while driving at high speeds through San Francisco on a regular basis, real life sex doesn’t support a lot of the crazy positions you find in porn. Sex is about doing what feels good while porn is about showing what looks good.
Now, a lot of people like to blame porn for this problem and say that external ejaculations and high heels and awkward dick bouncing calf killing positions aren’t sexy and porn shouldn’t present them as such. But that’s stupid. That’s like telling CSI: Orlando or whatever that real forensic techniques involve a lot of patience and waiting for computers to analyze data and so they shouldn’t always be swabbing semen and finding matches so quickly. Porn is porn and sex is sex and they should each be judged on their own merits.
In recent years, an entire cottage industry, lead primarily by Cosmo, has sprung up to advise that nation’s fornicators on all the new sex positions they’ve supposedly discovered. And while new fangled positions like “reverse missionary” or “the Crane kick” are all well and good, the pornography industry has been pioneering gravity (and pleasure) defying positions for years with little to no acclaim. Why should Cosmo be getting all the credit when pornography has been the one inventing amazing, difficult positions like the…
“awkward forward facing sofa straddle?”
or the “half somersault downward facing dicking?”
or the classic “seven guy gay sex centipede?” That’s on a boat people. That’s not easy to do.
Sasha Grey has compared porn stars to athletes and she’s absolutely right. No way can you bob on a dick in high heels for a half hour under hot lights without some pedi-cabber style calf muscles (unrelated question: Does this mean pedi-cabbers are good at bouncing on dicks in high heels?). But making good, experimental position porn takes more than just limber teens and awkward angles, you need a director with an eye for detail. So below, we proudly present some of the best choreographed porn we’ve ever seen. Not only are these positions bizarre and useless, these girls have been arranged in the tightest formations we’ve seen since the Beijing opening ceremony. If there were a Porn Olympics (a real one, not just a gang bang disguised as a decathlon), these girls would be the equivalent of the ’92 Dream Team.
