Most Excellent Genital Tattoos in Austin Contest

What could be kinkier than having a gloved stranger repeatedly penetrate your skin with a needle in order to permanently mark your body? Nothing. That’s why the pioneers of tattoo culture were all hookers, homos, and seaman. And so in order to honor their legacy, F*Bomb is throwing the first annual Worst Tattoo in Austin Contest. You can read all about the who, what, when, wheres on the Facebook event (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=184985431542288) including instructions on how to compete if you’re sporting some truly awful, or wonderfully epic, ink. But right now, on this blog, we’re going to focus on the “why.”

Aside from the obvious erotic element mentioned above, tattoo culture is full of sexy, hilarious, and terrible images dedicated to the only things that get F*Bomb out of bed in the morning: namely, some combination of peni, vaginae, and buttocks. We love those things, and we love anyone who would get a picture of them tattooed on their body. Originally, we approached Red 7 with the idea of doing a Most Excellent Genital Tattoos in Austin Contest, but they said no. They thought that might get too weird. We shopped around until we realized Headhunters was the only venue willing to put it on, said, “Uhhhh no thanks,” and went back to Red 7 with the compromise of doing a Worst Tattoo in Austin Contest. And we’re still hoping that a bunch of people show up with genital ink, which Red 7 said will be okay to show on stage.

The event is Thursday, and everyone who reads this filthy smut-hole should come check it out, whether on not you love genital tattoos because there will also be bands and alcohol. But in the meantime, let’s just go ahead and wet our whistles on some of the best tattoo smut the net has to offer.

Tattoos OF Dicks

Love the pubic hair but a tad too wrinkly.

We once found a Craigslist ad in the adult gigs section where a dude was explaining how he’d had prostate surgery, and one of the effects was that a little blood was getting into his pipes and he was cumming red. He wanted to know if anyone wanted to come watch this happen. Maybe that’s the same thing happening to this sad little fellow.

There’s a debate in the tattoo community about whether swastikas are an ancient Buddhist symbol of peace or irredeemable Nazi bullshit. This guy does not care. He just wanted a cock-stika on his tum-tum.

Tattoos ON Dicks

Oh, an elephant with a dick for a trunk? Yeah, that wouldn’t even take a 2nd grader very long to come up with. Real clever. The only way this could be cool is if you made it do the dance to “Skinnamarink.”

Question: If you were blowing this guy, would you make eye contact with the devil?

All the points this dude gets for this being funny are immediately negated by the fact that he turned his dick into a punchline and has a Disney character tattooed on his skin.

Holy shit, it’s a bifurcated cock slug! This would be the most epic dick tattoo of all time except that he has permanent briefs courtesy of Pacific Sun surrounding it. On the plus side, having your urethra splaid out like that probably rules. Do you think he warns people before he pulls it out or lets them be a surprise?

In high school, a little kid asked a friend why he was smoking. He replied, “Cuz it’s cool and makes me look like a dragon,” and then blew a cloud of cancerous smoke in the little busy body’s face. Anyone tries to question this guy’s most excellent decision, we hope they get a face full of dragon jizz and a similar retort.

Tattoos OF Vaginas

The piercings on the underside of the arm are way grosser and stupid than the cunt tattooed there.

This artist must do a lot of portrait tattoos. Look at the quality of work and attention to detail on that. The shading is immaculate. Whose vagina you think he used as a reference? Probably the dude’s cool aunt, right?

This is what pussy looks like to gay dudes.

This is what anime fans think pussy looks like.

Tattoos ON Vaginas

There’s a lot of “devil face on vagina” tattoos out there, but this one has a dildo in it. It wins.

The only way a tattoo could make you more scared of getting a girl pregnant is if a chick had a fetal baby counting stacks of money, staring at you with a speech balloon that says, “What up daddy?”

This is the most well done GWAR tattoo we’ve ever seen. Sigh, you didn’t get that joke? Click here.

Something something don’t stick your finger in the socket something.

This looks like that dude who gave your mom tennis lessons in the 1970s. Even without the tattoo, this chick would still have an excellent greying bush. How does a man whose face is half vagina look so wise? Fuckin’ epic.