Worst Tattoo Results

No, this tattoo didn’t win last night. In fact, it wasn’t even in the contest. We just found it online and felt rotten about leaving it out of the last post so, ummm… here it is. Enjoy. Now on to the awards.

By all the metrics used to rate terrible tattoo competitions, last night was a rousing success. Drunk dudes got ejected from the bar, deadbeat tattoo artists failed to show up even after they registered (we love you Animal!), some hot drunk chick showed everyone the double dildo holding monkey on her back, and for one brief glorious moment, there was a tattooed image of a dick and an actual human dick sharing the stage. Also… juggalos.

But this isn’t the Academy Awards, or their sexier younger sister the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards, and so there’s no point in delaying the glorious announcements we have in hand. Votes were cast, awards were awarded, and mistakes were both made and honored. Below you’ll find the official winners of each category, plus our favorites that somehow didn’t make the cut.

WINNER: WORST TATTOO IN AUSTIN/HEAVILY REGRETTED

Until Study Breaks starts giving out awards for Best Date Rape, the Worst Tattoo in Austin Contest is going to be the only show in town bestowing honor on to things that happened to girls when they were blacked out. Kathleen Boyle and her “Chili Cook Off 09″ first met the morning after, when a confused Kathleen couldn’t figure out why the Sharpie on her arm wouldn’t come off. Stupid, inexplicable, hilarious, and dare we say, poignant, this is officially the Worst Tattoo in Austin. You might say you and your friends have a worse one, but guess what, you didn’t show up, Chili Cook Off 09 did, so suck it haters. Kathleen Boyle is available for bar mitzvahs, interventions, and East 6th bar openings.

WINNER: WEIRDEST TATTOO

This poor soul worked at Austin Pizza. Then, if that wasn’t already bad enough, his coworkers pitched in on this tattoo, guaranteeing him a lifetime of strangers mistakenly paraphrasing Anchorman immediately before ejaculating onto his back. Always classy indeed sir.

WINNER: POORLY DONE

The dude with this shitty “pyrate bort” mess had a much more professionally done tattoo of the Hatchman of Psychopathic Records fame that won him Runner Up in the Heavily Regretted division. The only reason we allowed a lowlife dirtbag like that to compete was A) he swore he would use any prize tattooing he won to cover up the ICP bullshit on his ankle and B) our homie Johnny at Red 7 personally did the finishing touches on this pyrate (a)bort(ion). Can’t wait to see what garbage got drawn over the Hatchetman at next year’s contest.

WINNER: CAREER ENDING/WILLING TO COME ON STAGE

So, big surprise here, none of the shitbirds who entered our “Career Ending” category hung around long enough to compete, even though their round was first. A desperate call to the audience produced this dude, who came up to show off some weird conceptual “anti-straight edge” tattoo. First off, an anti-straight edge tattoo is a goddamn mean looking alien standing in front of a weed leaf, not a bunch of stupid circles on your thumbs. Fortunately, a hot tip from the crowd informed us that this guy was holding out: He had a fucking John Candy portrait tattoo on his ass! Ultimate win. Good job random dude from the crowd. Fuck you other career enders (grrr…. Animal!)

HONORABLE MENTION: RAD/WE ALL SAW YOUR DICK

If the projector had worked well enough to show this thing off like it deserved, its owner would be swimming in prizes right now. Not only is this thing fucking AWESOME, its owner also dropped full trou’  and fulfilled F*Bomb’s dream of seeing live dick and mutant ejaculating dog dick tattoo side by side on stage. Oh wait, correction, the mutant barf dog is ejaculating blood. That was made clear on stage. Side note, this dude and F*Bomb crossed paths two years ago when we were both hella wasted in the ER during SXSW at 3AM. For some reason, the bored doctor let the drunk person with this tattoo put in three of the staples he (the doctor) was using to close the Wolverine style gashes in my shin. SXSW is crazy. This tattoo is crazier.

HONORABLE MENTION: TECHNICALLY WORST

That’s a real tattoo. It looks like Sharpie, but it isn’t. Several people confirmed it. All we can speculate is heart break, alcohol, and a homemade tattoo gun. What’s with those eyes? Seriously awful stuff.

HONORABLE MENTION: JEW-NICORN/I’M TOO DRUNK TO WIN SWEET PRIZES

This dude stumbled to the stage to show off some Borg/Tron looking robot thing for Poorly Done that was actually supposed to be a maze golem. But by the time we got to Weirdest, this guy must have imbibed a smidge too much manischewitz because he was nowhere to be found. It’s a real shame, since this Semetic travesty has got more hilarious Judaism than a Friar’s Club roast. Let’s see, we got a yarmulke on the horn, “Oy Vey” on the belly, a bone Menorah coming out the bottom, some peyot in the hair (Jew curls dummy), a pierced nipple (is that a Jew thing?), and then Stars of David and dollar signs in the filler. What the fuck dude? Why weren’t you there to explain this hot Jewish mess? Oy vey indeed.

[PS Huge thank yous go out to Chris Trew and The New Movement, Lance and A.V. Club Austin, Johnny and Red 7, Austin Tattoo Co., Bijou Studios, Shaman Modification, Sailor's Grave, Triple Crown, Bite Mi, Buffalo Exchange, Iggi's Texatarian, Blue Starlite Urban Drive-In, I Luv Video, Vulcan Video, Bike Problems, The Mole People, The Jungle Rockers, Smoke and Feathers and everyone who was kind enough to show off their tattoos on stage. We'll be back next year with the bigger, badder, better organized Worst Tattoo II: Electric Boogaloo]