“my darkest heterosexual secrets…”

When you’re a writer, good feedback is often hard to come by. Reading is a private, solitary thing and so even if tons of people are reading your stuff, very few of them are going to say anything to you about it. Even fewer will say something beyond, “Yeah, that was pretty good.” So here at F*Bomb, we sometimes feel like we’re writing in a vacuum. Sure, we get the occasional comment or kudos from a fan, but if we had to gauge how we were doing from our comment section alone, all we could tell you is that we’re extremely popular with incoherent spam bots.

That is until the other day, when our popularity with semi-coherent human beings went through the roof. Over at UWeeklyAustin.com, host of the online edition of our print column, someone was so moved by something we wrote, that they decided to comment. And by comment, we mean write a fucking novel. You can view it on the site here, on read the full transcript below.

“I want to share my edging story with you. I met this girl out at a bar and we immediately hit it off. We went back to her place and had great sex. We would get together daily for great sex. She loved to give me blow jobs. I thought she kept inviting me back because she loved the sex, but it turned out she was playing me a like a fiddle. She started out by allowing me to restrain her and we would have great sex. One day, she said she would like to reverse rolls and I agreed. She tied my arms and legs to the bed posts and started to suck my cock. Then she told me, before we were done, I was going to reveal to her my darkest sexual secrets, but assured me that no harm would come to me. She told me she would do it just with her tongue. I was very doubtful and I told her there was no way I would and she just smiled and said “we’ll see.” She started to suck my cock just to the point of an orgasm and stopped. She revealed to me that all the blow jobs she was giving to me were to get her to understand when I was about have an orgasm. She took ice wrapped in a towel to get me soft again. She said she was first filling my balls with cum. She did this about a half a dozen times. She started sucking my cock and she would bring me to an edge of an orgasm would leave me there and then just lightly tongue and rim the head of my cock keeping me at the edge of the orgasm. It started out as pleasurable but within 20 minutes or so it was intense beyond belief. It was total ecstasy and sheer agony all at the same time. It got to the point where I was begging her to stop. This just seemed to energize her more. When you are on the edge of an orgasm, you brain does not allow reasoning. You can’t think of things to say. All you have is your memory and what is in the front of you memory is what she wants you to tell her. As she is asking the question, the actually answers to her question are the only thing in your mind. You can’t make anything up in your mind, you react to only memory She said, “tell me your dark sexual secrets and if you don’t, I will keep on doing this until you do, and trust me, you will”. She just kept doing this and I was begging her to stop and the more I begged her, the more intense were her actions which gave me an even more intense sensation. The intensity of sensation is beyond description and begging her to stopped, just energized her even more. To get her to stop, I found myself screaming out to her my darkest heterosexual secrets that no man would reveal. She smiled and said, “I want all the details now.” She just kept on going with her tongue and all I could do was to tell her what she wanted, hoping this would end and she would give me my orgasm. That’s not what happened. She said she that my dark sexual secrets were so bad, she was going to punish me. As intense as it was before, the intensity just increased. My legs were tensing up, hand were clutching and my body writhing while I was begging her to stop. Her tongue just kept working my cock. As pleasurable as it might be, it was sheer torture. I was constantly on the edge of an orgasm, but could never go over that edge. Eventually, I became physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. There was nothing I could do but lay there and passively take what they were giving to me. Heavy screams and begging were left to “please stop”. I was exhausted, my muscles were tired. This went on for 2 hours. All of a sudden she just started sucking my cock before long, I was the most intense and pleasurable orgasm of my life. I shot 8, 10, 12 blasts in her mouth and she swallowed it all. She just smiled and released me. She lay next to me rubbing my chest and belly, telling me how she really gets off doing this to guys. She did thank me for revealing my secrets to her and assured me they would remain secret. She told me she looks for confident, cocky, self-center guys. She told me she spends time with guys in bed talking to them and can instinctively determine if he has dark sexual secrets that he has told no one. I asked her how she could tell this and she told me it was just looking at the guy’s eyes. She said when she asked them about their sexual secrets, there is a slight hesitation that she could see in a guy’s eyes. I have been torn between wanting to experience this again and never being put into this situation again. I would like to hear from others about this. Thanks…Dave Michaelson [email protected]”

Wow. Holy fucking… wow. First, what a story. Who is this amazing women he talks about? She lures dudes into blowjob traps, and then sucks their dicks so good they reveal their “darkest heterosexual secrets?” What a hobby! F*Bomb is officially in love with this person and would give anything to interview her. She must know so many dark heterosexual secrets! Also, that blowjob sounds nuts and we wanna try it.

But who is this mysterious Dave Michaelson, other than a lucky son of a bitch? The picture at the top of this post is what we believe he might look like, but that’s entirely speculation. We did do a little Googling on his e-mail address however and turned up this beauty, from the forums.catholic.com, on a thread entitled “My Fiancee is an Ex-Pornstar.“Click the photo to read the large and legible version.

Hahahahah, so good! You wife (sic) is a sinner, and she is totes going to hell unless she gives up all that dirty money, but if she does than Christ will for gives (sic) her. Sounds like your standard moral high horsing but then wh-wh-what? That last line? “Oh by the way, not that I’m trying to look at porn of your fiancee getting reamed or anything, but what was her stage name? I’m just curious.”

So ladies and gentleman, our hat goes off to Dave Michaelson: heterosexual secret haver, Catholic theologian, curious party, receiver of one of the most epic blowjobs of all time, and F*Bomb fan.

And while we’re saluting epic F*Bomb comments, here’s our favorite from a spam bot. We would totally party with this spam bot if it was a real person.

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That was from a spam bot trying to send our reader to this site: http://monex.to/. Go check out the site if you want, but please don’t give them your credit card information.