If you pull a Fleshlight out of its plastic tube-shell, it looks a lot like some sort of deep ocean eel. Like, one of those creatures that doesn’t need eyes because it lives in the dark and just swims around digesting plankton and being a creep. The fact that it’s covered in cum and lube and you’re full of post-masturbatory shame probably doesn’t help you view it in a favorable light either.
Anyways, F*Bomb has been slowly working on putting together a short film DVD magazine for a while (if you’re interested in submitting a film, e-mail [email protected]) and one of the ideas we were kicking around was about a mind controlling Fleshlight. It would be a kind of like a more erotic Brain Damage (if you haven’t seen Brain Damage, it’s about an evil parasite that gets this kid high in exchange for him feeding it human brains. Definitely worth watching.)
One of the scenes we’d mapped out was a take on the weird Chinese shop scene from Gremlins, but instead of buying a cool pet you can’t feed at night (or bathe, which kind of sucks) the guy purchases a Fleshlight which turns out to be a perverted, mind controlling, psychedelic space worm that exchanges orgasmic masturbatory bliss for the chance to feed on the brain chemicals females release during orgasm. If you read that last sentence on the back of a box, you would totally rent that movie.
Well, we thought our idea was rad and mildly original until today, when we found this otherwise excellent Fleshlight commercial that’s disguised as a fake movie trailer and it TOTALLY HAS A GREMLINS SCENE! Ugh, what a bummer. If Flesh Lightning was a real movie, we’d probably go see it, even though we stand by mutant worms that attach to your dick being cooler than Jenna Haze getting immaculately knocked up. Oh well, guess we’ll just have to go with our back up plan for a Bang Bus style psychological thriller now.
