Here at F*Bomb, we spend a lot of time digging deep into the steamy pornographic bowels of the Net. From Chinese biting porn to live webcast self-amputations, there’s a lot of shit on the web that you really don’t want to see. But when it comes to things you really really don’t want to see, because you’re scared shitless of the FBI kicking down your door, nothing trumps child porn. Even torrenting the secret Scientology album Metallica did is less risky than Googling “sexy 17 year olds.” Just writing that headline probably landed F*Bomb on some sort of watchlist.
So let’s make a few things clear.
1.) This post contains ZERO child porn. We actually have no idea where to find child porn. Someone told us once that you go to sketchy porn sites and try clicking the black spaces on the border, looking for hidden links, but we’ve never tried that. Fuck trying that. We’ve also heard it shows up from time to time on 4Chan, but since we’re not trying to find child porn or get called a “faggot” by someone in middleschool, we don’t go there either. Fuck going there.
2.) F*Bomb does not condone child porn in any way. If it is a photo or video image, than a child was involved in its manufacture and that is fucked up. If someone offered us child porn, we would say, “No.” Not even, “No thanks,” just straight up, “No.” F*Bomb = NOT down with child porn.
3.) F*Bomb does not think kids should get molested, even if they really deserved it. Sexual abuse and molestation is a huge problem and F*Bomb is firmly against creepers touching on little kids.
So to summarize, we do not have child porn, have not seen child porn, do not support child porn, or any form of child molestation. That clear?
Now, that being said, the way we deal with sex offenders in this country is totally fucked up. Thanks to cable news and lazy politicians, child molestation has gone from something that no one talked about to a culturally sanctioned witch hunt in the last few decades. Despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of sexual abuse cases involve someone the kid knows or is related to, the pundits and politicos have fabricated an archetypal child molesting boogey man who drives around in a windowless van and lures children into his mustachioed clutches with candy. If you Google image search “child molester,” this dude shows up.
Just like how no one ever put poison in Halloween candy (except one time when a kid’s own parents did. What a shitty kid he must have been.), there are very few dudes trolling elementary school playgrounds looking to abduct kids. Besides, most kids are abducted by mercenary groups who sell them to politicians and oil sheiks, not weirdo loners operating solo.
But since no one can be against being against child molesters, politicians have been able to capitalize on parents’ worst fears and put themselves in positions of power on the promise that they will enact insane laws against child predators, laws that actually make the situation worse. Dudes who get busted taking a piss in the great outdoors can end up registered as a sex offender, suffering discrimination and harassment for the rest of their lives. Teens can get registered for sexting pictures of themselves to a significant other. The real chi-mos who get busted end up on the streets when they get out of jail due to these laws, making it even harder for the law to keep track of them or for them to build a stable, non-kid touching life.
So what should be done about this? F*Bomb doesn’t think pederasty should be legal or the law should protect priests who suck pre-teen dicks, but the current system isn’t working at all. This topic is such a taboo that there is no help available for someone trying to fight off their child touching urges before they act out. We need to find a way to punish sex criminals while offering help to those who think they might be sick, but haven’t acted on their urges yet.
As with most societal problems, the solution is deceptively simple. We need to get an island, and put anyone who wants to touch little kids, or ever has, on it. One side of the island will be civilized and decent, that’s where people who self report themselves before ever touching a kid get to go. They can look at all the CGI child porn they want, write stories about fucking fetuses, and molest the shit out of anatomically accurate dolls until the cows come home.
On the other side of the island, we dump all the criminals, the people that actually acted on their pedophilia. This side of the island will be a savage and cruel land, where only the strong survive and millionaires come to hunt human beings for sport. This side of the island will suck so bad, that anyone who even thinks about molesting will sign up for island A long before they masturbate to a Justin Bieber video.
There’s a bunch islands in the South Pacific that are already planning to evacuate once global warming makes the sea levels rise. Maybe the UN could throw down on some of those, and then let all the Tongans and Samoans and what not swap places with the people in a city that is rife with child molester-monsters, like Cleavand or Miami (but be sure to put them in different cities because of the longstanding Samoan/Tongan tension). It would be win-win and solve the problem permanently, because from this island, there will be…. NO ESCAPE!
