If you took too much acid at Burning Man in 2003 or are a diehard fan of homosexual explosion master Roland Emmerich then this probably isn’t news to you, but the world is going to end next year. Yeah, 2012 is more than just Mayan mumbo jumbo, it’s proven fact. Grant Morrison even wrote about it in The Invisibles, which is basically the bible of things that are true (unlike the regular Bible, which is only 60% true). But it’s not going to go down like some dubstep sound tracked version of the Rapture where there’s a bright light and then everything is over. No, shit is just going to get really fucking hairy.
Everybody will bomb everybody else, neo-Nazi militias will take over the rural areas while ethnic gangs fight for the cities, and we’ll all be eating Twinkies and cans of Chef Boyardee until we can’t take it anymore. But then things will settle down and a Road Warrier/Waterworld/Boy and His Dog/6 String Samurai sort of society will develop, but hopefully with less rock-a-billy (6 String Samurai), corpse raping (A Boy and His Dog), and pee filtering (Waterworld). Everything from Road Warrior is cool and will most likely happen.
The only set back will be the lack of breathable air. But since the fallout has dropped fertility rates down to single digits, fucking constantly will be every member of society’s solemn duty. Combine those two factors and what do you get? Gas mask sex. Here’s a breakdown of the different factions you can expect to find in our new freaky filtered civilization.
Post-Apocalyptic Playa Barbies
Most ravers and Burning Man types will be rolling their asses off in the middle of cornfields or deserts when the bombs start falling, so a disproportionately large number of them are gonna survive the apocalypse. When Hostess Zebra Stripes expire (which takes around 12 years), they turn into a potent hallucinogen, which will replace MDMA in these circles. Since Burners already live in trailers in the middle of dust storms, half of these morons will be too zonked out to even realize, or care, that the world ended.
Giant Breasted Amazon Queens
As science fiction films from the 1950s definitively proved, radiation makes things bigger. This will include boobs. Some of the women who survive the blast will emerge with uranium enriched mammaries and rule as queens over the various tribes of Bible thumping Nazis and mutant Crips and Bloods. Why? Because violent idiots love fighting each other over big tits.
Anti-Male Lesbian Separatists
Since the apocalypse will obviously be mankind’s fault, the feministas will be quick to finger patriarchy as the reason everything went wrong. Medical technology is already a hair away from making men obsolete, so these radical womyn of the wasteland will waste no time dealing with the lesser sex. The Dildo Dolls are called that because their masks are equipped with prosthesis that they use to fuck each other and inject female semen, known as femen. The dildos also shoot lazers.
Homo Militias
By the end of 2011, the gays will have successfully repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and taken over the military. When shit hits the fan, the gays will have no reason to help reproduce and maintain straight society. They’ll use their sweet Eagle Scout survival skills to strike out on their own, occasionally raiding urban centers and raver camps in search of unopened boxes of poppers and rape-able straight ass. If this prediction sounds homphobic, it’s not. The gays will be the only segment of society to maintain a working currency system and bury their dead.
Children of the Sands
But think of the children! Don’t worry, the kids will still be alright. Just like in Thunderdome, they’ll form obnoxious little packs of brats and cut down on Mad Max’s cool factor. If you’re worried about your own child surviving the hell-pocalypse, than get out your PayPal and head here for all your nuclear protection needs.
Hetero Gas Mask Babes
Of course, there will still be normal women too. They’ll just be hotter, tougher, and more half-naked than the women of this era. And since everyone has to fuck all the time to reproduce, society as a whole will be much more egalitarian. As a matter of fact, things are actually going to be way cooler after the Big One. So we say fuck it, let’s enjoy unprocessed food and maskless sex while we still can, but look forward to a better tomorrow full of big-breasted hotties breathing filtered and marauding gangs of homos looking for some sweet, unmutated anus.
This video is mostly a boring handjob, but at the 2:40 mark, there is a rad gas mask point of view shot. That is what sex will look like every time you have it two years from now.
